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From today's featured article
Have you, dear reader, found yourself chained to an aging confectionery monstrosity, its pipes wheezing, its vats bubbling ominously, its accountants sobbing quietly in the walls? Has a government man (always beige! always damp!) slid a letter under your door explaining that thirty percent of your life’s work now belongs to them?
Thirty percent!
That’s not a tax, that’s getting bent over and done up your rear!
*tips hat, snaps cane against the floor*
Fear not. Willy Wonker is here. And I assure you, I have handled this exact situation with the grace of a ballerina and the ethics of a feral raccoon. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (Pictured)
- ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
- ... that Godot isn't coming?
- ... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
- ... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
- ... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
- ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
- ... that the police are at your door?
In the news
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured)
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Ravens fans hiding in a corner after yet another choke
Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs' season • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Dallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025
On this day
December 27: Anniversary Day, Invention of the Artificial Vagina (USSR)
- 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary.
- 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler becomes frustrated when Germany's top scientists fail to invent the artificial vagina.
- 1944 - Winston Churchill invents precursor of the artificial vagina, the fake anus, and is hailed a hero.
- 1945 - Josef Stalin invents artificial vagina, workers can now wank with greater realism than the downtrodden hand-dependents of the Capitalist world.
- 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev condemns Stalin's Soviet artificial vagina as a symptom of bourgeois excess, calls for return to real pussies.
- 2008 - King Kong pounds Eeyore in the honey tree, Donkey Kong is born!
- 2009 - Boxing Day is canceled after reports of severe CTE following holiday festivities.
Picture of the day
 |
Captain Obvious on the Titanic. Image credit: PiOfFive |
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- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
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- Community portal – for general community shenanigans
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