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From today's featured article 

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I just can't stand it. When I see her I can only grit my teeth and clench my fists as hard as I can from jumping out and screaming "I love you!" at the top of my lungs. I literally have to bite down on my tongue, sometimes until it bleeds or else I'll lose control and caress her with kisses until the end of the world. She's just so beautiful. Not in that supermodel Barbie doll way. She's legitimately beautiful. The supermodels put on make up and dress up and get air brushed so they can look like her. She doesn't need that shit, she's wonderful on her own.

"Mr. Wales, you have a visitor." It's my secretary. I tell her to let her in, I already know who it is. I asked her to come to my office so we could talk. Not about work or anything, just... talk. I know it's against office policy but I just want to see her again. That gorgeous, naïve smile, those huge, innocent eyes that seemed to take in the world so carefully. Her body was small, delicate, as if the slightest breeze would shatter her like a glass rose. I could never stop thinking about her. Never. She was always on my mind. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)
  • ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
  • ... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
  • ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
  • ... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
  • ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
  • ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
  • ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.

In the news 

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1977-2026

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day

Recent deaths: Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured)

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek)

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again

On this day 

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February 14: Singles Drink Free Today Only

  • 269 AD - St. Valentine is castrated, horsewhipped and disemboweled, and a holiday is named after him because that's what happens when you fall in love anyway.
  • 1779 - James Cook is killed in Hawaii, not in the Sandwhich Islands like some believe, because even getting killed on Valentine's day can be a big disappointment.
  • 1852 - The first hospital in England opens. During its opening ceremony, sick patients were given typical Valentine's gifts, like typhoid.
  • 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell first patents the telephone, insuring that every heartless bastard can look at their phones ringing and ignore it like the selfish mess they are. Just answer me.
  • 2000 - The NEAR Shoemaker satellite enters orbit around an asteroid, but it's not the first thing adrift in space to ceaselessly spiral around a cold, dead, emotionally unavailable rock.
  • 2005 - Youtube is launched, yet another place for soul-crushing narcissists to share private, personal information to a whole audience of idiots who don't know the whole story, goddammit, you and your vlogs.
  • 2011 - As part of the Arab Spring, Bahrain protests government injustice or whatever since rioting feels a whole lot better than getting stood up on Valentine's Day, you ruined my life.

Picture of the day

Jesus on Raptor
 Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account. From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE)

Image credit: Tshell
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