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From today's featured article 

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Rob Gronkowski, also known as "Gronky Kong", is tall guy who once play American football, now is tall funny guy make appearance on TV. Gronk have play as tight end, no make into wide receiver. Gronk have perverted sense of humor, you see. Hahaha, 69!

Gronk have play for team with Tom Brady, namely New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, play so hard against hometown team Buffalo Bills due to Bills dinosaur owner no pick Gronk. Gronk mad.

Gronk is crazy party animal, like party so much he use beer keg for wash bodyyyyyy. Gronk say no eat TIE PODS, but sometimes he no resist, due to TIE PODS is colorful like candyyyyy. TIDE POD yucky though, Gronk just eat to look cool.

Despite Gronk now hated in hometown of Buffalo, New York due to angry GRONK SMASH on Tre White, he still more likeable by light years than dummy ex-teammate Aaron Hernandez, who was angry gangster go kill people. Gronk one of few people who no get CTE from play football, but BORN with CTE, along with Cam Skattebo. Therefore being born with CTE, Gronk always nuts, but awesome. (Full article...)

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In the news 

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"Nyaaah, it's not worthless, mommy, I WANT IT!"

Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing MamdanistanLarry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate • Bills Mafia drinking themselves to death • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016 • r/TheDarnold having a field day

Recent deaths: Brigitte BardotCarl Yastrzmski2025 • The MetroCardStranger ThingsKaliVecnaThe Upside Downthe other Black guy from John Carpenter's The ThingBob WeirScott AdamsKianna UnderwoodBuffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenureDenver Broncos' and Los Angeles Rams' seasons

Not dead: Eleven

Upcoming deaths: Donald TrumpNYC's economy • Weed67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas City "Chiefs" • Aaron Rodgers' career • Bills' Super Bowl window

On this day 

The smell of stale cigarettes on my stubble, the imprints of past lovers wrinkling my floorbed. I take a swig of something brown, and I forget...

January 30: The Next Great American Novel Day

  • 1892 - Richard Lawrence, failed Andrew Jackson assassin, writes novel marketed as tell-all; it instead details his unrequited decades long crush on a Czech farmgirl in Nebraska.
  • 1925 - Erudite socialite and on-and-off poet M. Masters Droob writes, These Days Will Last Forever, a loosely biographical coming of age tome about an erudite socialite and on-and-off poet.
  • 1965 - Virginian author Jeronio P. McDullum writes his magnum opus, That Remains to be Seen: A Novel of Domestic Discontent, about a loveless marriage between an assistant professor and pugnacious spouse, who wouldn't know a novel from a novella.
  • 1971 - Grizzled, white man's man author Smoker Ennis publishes a road trip anthology, I Fucked The Road; in the cover, he poses with the semi-automatic machine gun he will later use to take his own life.
  • 1973 - Brundon Grishmald writes a 1,249 page novel about every single one of his sexual fetishes in excruciating detail, most people give up by page eighty-four.
  • 2015 - Mariska Told writes a semi-autobiographical Roman à clef about the character defining experiences which paint the life of every American woman, like working at your dad's publishing firm or drunk texting your ex who moved to Long Island three years ago.
  • 2017 - Bright young writer and future MacArthur fellow João Staines writes great work of literary import, you can tell from the tasteful misogyny and the nonsense similies.

Picture of the day

Mohammed Cartoon (?)
Islamic extremists are unsure how to react to this sketch of what may or may not be the back of Mohammad's head.

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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