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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

So you want to know how to eat an orange. Maybe you embarrassed yourself at your friend's orange-themed wedding and don't want to repeat that debacle, or maybe you stuck an orange up your ass and realized too late that oranges don't work that way.^{[citation needed]} This might even be your first time eating an orange! No matter what your deal is with oranges, this handy guide will ensure you can eat oranges with grace and style. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
...that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?

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In the news [edit]

Free bus passes and shawarma for everyone! Until the money runs out..

New York City goes full Commie, elects Zohran Mamdani as mayor (Pictured)
Los Angeles Dodgers win World Series with lucky bullshit, become the Kansas City Chiefs of baseball
Dingo eats a woman's baby
Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government continues to shit itself
Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C. • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Republicans and rich people fleeing NYC

Recent deaths: Charlie Kirk • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • A guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career• Coral reefs • Capitalism in NYC • Blue Jays fans' livers and kidneys

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On this day [edit]

November 7: Blowjob Appreciation Day, Canada

1876 - Gay Canadians invent ice hockey to eliminate the possibility of teeth complicating fellatio.
1962 - JFK ends Cuban Missile Crisis by having CIA agents perform blowjobs on everyone.
1977 - Linda Lovelace given Freedom of Canada, but is made to do something unspeakable to the airport security.
1995 - Quebec "no" in referendum largely attributed to English speakers' blowjob skills.
1999 - President Bill Clinton, a native-born Canadian, celebrates his favorite Canadian holiday. Republicans feel left out.

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Picture of the day

The Drunk Olympics is an athletic competition in which all participating athletes compete in several sporting events while intoxicated far beyond the typical human breaking point. It has spawned the creation of several organized competitions, including Thunderdome and Cup Stacking.

Image credit: The Thinker
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