Wal✽Mart
“Spend money, die faster”
“I found what I was looking for, and more.”
“Where my children and I can work for the rest of our lives.”
Wal✽Mart, also known as Wehr✽Macht and Fart💨mart, was the fifth of the Seven Plagues of Egypt. It began in 1312 BC when Moses said to Pharaoh, "Let my People Shop," and Pharaoh said "No," so God created a plague Wal✽Mart in five and a half days as a curse to punish the ancient Egyptians for their great wickedness.
Unfortunately the curse, after lying dormant for many centuries, has been re-awakened in the United States by the first Antichrist of Arkansas. Responses from God have not been forthcoming, since he has been on an intergalactic cruise since the afternoon of the sixth day and cannot be reached for comment. Wal✽Mart has continued to spread its contagion well into present times where its kudzu-like habits have been known to smother entire voting districts.
The world population will be doomed to slavery as long as irresistible $5 DVDs are sold at Wal✽Mart.
Recently Wal✽Mart has become venereal in the form of Wal✽Mart Monster. Be careful! He takes what he wants and sells it for less!
In 2003 Wal✽Mart was labeled as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Mission statement
To capture the pathos & quiet desperation that is Wal✽Mart shopping, and also to conquer the entire free world and force them to live out their short and useless lives building and/or working, shopping, and earning a living slightly higher than food stamp minimum requirements, though slightly below the national poverty levels. We will achieve this with creative definitions of full time, overtime, and double time as well as a consistent lack of benefits. We will also introduce a trickle up economy, beneficial only unto our hunger for money and certain interests known only to Washington DC politicos.
We will passionately maintain a zoo like and olfactory offensive atmosphere through a relaxed, cavalier, and inhospitable approach to service while executing ruthless expertise in a choreographed manner that appears effortless. Every guest shall leave their visit having had an extraordinarily grueling, impersonal, and filth filled experience with the intention of returning grudgingly.
We pride ourselves in paying employees less so you can save more. However, it really doesn't matter because our workers enjoy being paid less for customer convenience. At least that is what we tell ourselves to help us sleep, on our big piles of money.
We believe in using slave labor as a tool to benefit our consumers. By cutting corners by using small Chinese children, unsafe paint, and/or cheap parts, we save customers money so they can spend more money on other hazardous things.
In accordance with the Mission Statement, Wal✽Mart successfully eliminated all small business competition in Rockport, Texas and Indio, California, just two of the million communities who feared our wrath.
Wal✽Mart is overflowing with the fat people on the weekends. What will happen when it closes ... Look Out K-Mart! Here comes the pudge! Grab the guns from the back and fire on my mark ...
Most recently, the president of Wal✽Mart announced it would be using forced slave labor of Africans, Mexicans, Indians and Filipinos to cut down on production cost and to save the consumer money. The Wallstreet journal calls this "remarkably brilliant" while many other department stores such as Target complain about an unfair advantage.
Wal✽Mart is the "equal opportunity employer" of the third world, plus draws a huge crowd of Hispanic shoppers. The good ol' boys in Arkansas aren't racist. After all, there are no signs saying "no dogs, coloreds, Mexicans or orientals". Also absent are "no shoes, no shirt, no service" signs. Most of Wal✽Mart's clientele shop topless and barefoot. (Fuzzy pink slippers when it's cold – Wal✽Mart's 400-ply cardboard shoes are painful.)
Many rednecks that complain about losing jobs over seas are confused as to buy the cheaper products or not because they caused job loses, however will likely continue to buy them anyway because there are no other stores in most of their towns.
History
Anticipation
The history of Wal✽Mart dates back to 1776 in America, with the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson wrote:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that some men are created equal, that they are endowed by with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Low Prices, and a second rate fast lube"
Jefferson's words rang true of the American people. They wanted low prices but it seemed like wanting them was more of a daydream than a reality. The years rolled by and people became more and more obsessed with finding a good sale on bulk toilet paper. Then in 1906 one man by the name of Upton Sinclair came up with an idea; "If people are forced to work in factories for little to no pay, people can get bad products at a cheaper price." This inspired him to write a book about the theory, although little is known of it since all copies were burned in a wild outdoor ecstasy rave. American dreams of a Utopian market began to be put on hold because of the seeping spread of communism and Europe falling into times of war.
STFU
America's sweet sweet fantasies of paying next to nothing for slave labor water-guns came to a screeching halt. After December of 1941 President Franklin Roosevelt proclaimed:
"Seriously you guys, knock it off."
America directly declared war on Japan, Italy, and Germany. America was pissed, and I'm not talking disappointed, no, America was lividly pissed. The dreams for a cheap, all-consuming supermarket were put on the back burner as America took it's rage and frustration out on the rest of the world. In 1945 the war was a victory and America was ready to consume more than it could handle, leading to blatent world domination by Darth Vader - I mean Sam Walton in the ensuing years.
Sam Walton's boner
Sam Walton was a man with a dream. A dream to create a monster that would engulf the souls of Americans and some Mexicans. Sam Walton began to follow his dream during the war but really didn't get rolling till he opened his first store in 1950, which he wittily named "Walton's". (Real original, buddy.)[1][2] He expanded his business by opening another branch and collecting the profits. Sam's values were very apparent from the beginning. He always underpaid his employees and made them give sexual favors for promotions. He was also one hell of a kinky bastard, did I mention that? He hired undocumented workers from Mexico to clean and stock his stores and work in tightly cramped factories to make bad products for under minimum wage so he can undercut his competitors in price. He also had sexual favors from the undocumented workers and their family members he helped smuggle into the USA so their relatives could work as slaves for him as well as perform sexual favors. Sammy also turned to transexuality before going asexual before saying "screw it!" and becoming a bisexual.
Blood Money
By 1962 Sam had eleven store locations, two Cadillacs, five illegitimate children, three houses, and a jeweled pimp cane. As his business grew he began to learn more ways to cut corners, Sam was always looking for the cheapest way to profit and in the 70s he realized the best way to increase sales. With the expansion of his stores into the Midwest and deep South, Sam Walton began to travel around and personally talk to shoppers in his new stores. In one visit to a new store in 1973 to Tennessee, Sam Walton met a small Chinese woman with her four-year-old son. She began to talk to Sam Walton about giving her son a job. Sam Walton hadn't thought of using children until then and this woman opened a new door for him. He then rushed back to Arkansas and made a Collect call to China. By 1989 Sam Walton had infected 26 states and made billions in profits. People had become obsessed with the rollback prices of Wal✽Mart and couldn't get enough.
It gets worse
In 1992 Sam Walton passed away due to an eye infection from faulty packaging on eye drops purchased from Wal✽Mart. His son then succeeded him and claimed:
"I'm Rich Be-yotch!"
At this point Hillary Clinton was a lawyer and legal adviser for Wal✽Mart and her husband Bill Clinton was elected US President. So in 1993, Bill Clinton signed the AESIAN Trade Bill with China that shipped manufacturing jobs overseas to China for like $50 a month for child slave labor. This personally cost the USA about 12 million manufacturing jobs, but Wal✽Mart grew so fast they hired them on as Store Greeters for minimum wage, or in the bakery, or oil lube sections of the stores. For every business Wal✽Mart competed against and forced out of business, Wal✽Mart rehired their out of work employees for minimum wage slave labor jobs with zero to no benefits. As a result the Clintons got $150 million in kickbacks for helping to convince Congress to pass those Chinese trade bills even if Ross Perot said the giant sucking sound they hear are millions and millions of US jobs going over seas. In 1998, Bill Clinton said that giant sucking sound actually came from Monica Lewinski but that he didn't have sexual relations with her. Besides people are better off working at Wal✽Mart where they are forced to smile all day, or else they are fired, which makes them happier employees than they were when they used to be middle-class and are now poor minimum wage earners.
By 1995 every state in the USA had a Wal✽Mart and sales were at 93.6 billion annually. Wal✽Mart also owned all of the souls of it's shoppers for they could not stop shopping there no matter how much they complained. in 2000, Wal✽Mart purchased the television networks Fox and Fox Kids,including their O&O stations, marking their own foray into the broadcasting industry. In 2009, Sam Walton has leaked into almost every country in the world. He thought it would be an ironic joke to start building them in China, at least the factory workers could buy their own things for low price and low value. Wal✽Mart, by 2010 has now up to 456738749132.235 Trillion dollars in sales and Wal✽Mart CEO's have considered about buying heaven and building a giant superstore with a Starbucks inside.
“Well, I guess if there's a starbucks ...”
The downfall of Wal✽Mart
By 2010, World War III resulted with many factories in China who have served Walmart to start produce war materials for the Chinese. When the war ended in 2021, Walmart suffered heavy financial losses (not because of the damage, but the vault filled with over 3/4 of all the profits was raided by Trevada *snicker*. Between 2050 and 2227, the world became communist, which took away private ownership, thus resulting in the death of Walmart. 'Nuff said.
The Conspiracy
Knowing all this, let's venture into the inner workings of Wal✽Mart.
Wal-Marx (or Mall-Wart, as it is officially designated by DNA: the National Association of Dyslexics) is best known for its union-torching activities, its refusal to sell the morning-after pill and its love of censoring clock lyrics from CDs.
Currently, it is thought that Wal✽Mart is attempting to develop an army of illegal aliens for employment in their stores until Wal✽Mart executes its final strategy for world domination and mind control. It is clear from what the stores offer that each Wal✽Mart is capable of acting as a "standalone". In fact, close inspection of the master floor plan indicates that, in a pinch, Wal✽Mart could function exactly as the U.S.S. Nautilus submarine. Like US submarines, Wal✽Mart is basically a self-sufficient little town which not only offers beanie weenies in bulk, but medicine knockoffs, antennae balls wearing cowboy hats, nuclear weapons, fast food restaurants, optometrists, hair stylists, nail care, house ware, dentists, clothing, toys, hunting and fishing items, sports and camping equipment, full-service doctor office clinics within their walls of oppression and pure capitalistic evil.
This program has received two thumbs up from Saudi Arabia, Stalin, and the entire population of Iran, all of which are thriving capitalistic countries. Which is actually a lot more than just two thumbs up but Wal✽Mart is notorious for inventory error.
In 1933, Sivie O'Collen from ASDA presented the idea to Mr. T to build a highly top-secret intelligence agency for surveillance only for the NATO countries.
In 2092 Wal✽Mart ordered an army of clonecat associates from the planet El Camino. They were expected to be far better associates than the droids, illegal aliens, and chimpanzees that previously staffed Wal✽Mart stores.
65% of all disappearances happen at Wal✽Mart, and there is rumoured to be a black hole somewhere in the Customer Service department.
There are rumors about the Heart of Wal✽Mart: specifically that it may be located somewhere in the Electronics department behind the plasma screen TVs. But anybody that attempts to look for this heart is quickly transported to the Tools section and forced to buy screws at low, low, Wal✽Mart prices.
We have just found that if you shop at Wal✽Mart you are now considered a communist by the Department of Homeland Security. Fidel Castro owns Wal✽Mart and ruins America's economy with his bargain basement prices. He shuts out the little American businessmen with their little shops and trinket stores, forcing them to set up kiosks at the mall full of 30 lb. silver bicycle chains and other drug paraphernalia shipped in from the villages of India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and other communistic countries - which makes you a communist every time you shop at Wal✽Mart.
Recent revelations have shown that in the near future, Wal✽Mart will be heavily involved with the trade and distribution of souls. One associate noticed a price tag in the back of a store marked "15% of soul". When questioned, Wal✽Mart's CEO said, "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."
Profits
Wal✽Mart has a vast profits, however, the CEOs prefer to spend every bit of income on oriental rugs, foreign hookers, pictures and phishing tools to get everyone to Wal✽Mart, but all that still leaves 8 billion dollars for each of the children of Wally World's founder, Darth Vader.
Public address system
The natural human voice normally disperses evenly in all directions, whereas the Wal✽Mart PA System sends inane messages throughout the Wal✽Mart complex via a 5000-watt bullhorn directly into the shopper's ear. The sound is concentrated in a given direction towards random shoppers in an effort to cause general confusion which urges them to make regrettable purchases no matter what the price as long as they get the hell out of there ASAP. The trade-off is that if the shopper gets home and reconsiders his purchase, the thought of the Returns department line and the cost of gas to drive back to Wal✽Mart is too cost-prohibitive to seriously consider this option.
The Wal✽Mart bullhorn is electronic and generally amplifies sound to a decibel level which has caused clinical deafness in rats. It consists of a microphone, an amplifier and a Wal✽Mart tape recording distributed by Corporate Headquarters in hell china Russia Wasilla.
Checkout
Wal✽Mart features a large checkout area in the front of the store. Over a half-mile long, customers can choose from 1,245 checkout lanes, 405 of them automated. For the old-fashioned customer, traditional cashiers are also available to assist them as well. Rarely talkative, the cashier's duty is to try overcharging the customer. It is rare for the checkout area to have more than twenty cashiers at any given time, so lines can back up to the other side of the city in which the Wal✽Mart is located.
Automation
Recently a new invention, the automated checkout system was created to give customers an alternative to the traditional cashier service, which can take an extra four hours. Given the inordinate amount of time spent in line, the automated system gives customers an advantage. Before the customer begins to scan his/her items on the register, an automated voice greets the customer and tells the person to scan the first item. In that case, the customer begins to get agitated at the automated voice and says something derogatory at it and attempts to scan the first item, only to find the system not working properly. So in desperation, the customer signals the unsuspecting clerk who's picking his nose and walks up to the self-checkout. He scans the item and returns to his previous spot. The customer then proceeds to scan the next item and has the same problem as before. He calls the clerk again and he steps over to him. This time, the customer explains that the self-checkout is not working, when the clerk explains that the automated voice can get emotional at times and may not scan the items. When the customer hears the news, he says that this system sucks ass, and the automated voice tells him that it knows where he lives and that it will trace him down. The following week, the man was found dead in his home. Cause of death is electrocution from picking up his telephone.
Wal✽Mart locally
Before Wal✽Mart infiltrated the urban infrastructure, crime was virtually non-existent in most communities. Studies show that crime rates have soared to a dramatic level in areas within a 2-mile radius of Wal✽Mart. 78% of crimes are committed in Wal✽Mart parking lots. This is due to the rapid expansion of the company. The USGS estimates that by 2009 50% of all land in the US alone will be Wal✽Mart-owned.
Surveillance
If you look carefully you will notice the conspicuous placement of brown smoked plastic "camera encasing" globes resembling hamster exercise balls hanging from the ceiling at both ends of every aisle. Although most customers believe they are biometrically recording the structure of their irises and recording their every shopping habit, they are actually surveillance decoys, just another way to cut costs and keep you from scratching your ass in public. Go ahead and scratch anyway - it amuses the hamsters. Scratch your ass with caution, as many hamsters have the ability to run the world, as you may know, the Socialist Hamster of Ethiopia (scientific name: Alan Colmesia) is naturally triggered to lead the world into a socialist abortion-loving world once it sees scratching of the ass.
So far, there has been no Wal✽Mart presence reported in Iraq; this is believed to be the result of there being a Target on every corner.
A convenient Wal✽Mart SuperCenter is scheduled to open only 61 miles west of the proposed Moon Colony slated to open in 2078.
If you would look to the left of the screen, you will notice the documentary on fat bitches. The effects of Wal✽Mart's radioactive cameras have turned this poor bastard into a really fat bitch. If you direct your attention to the right of the screen, you will see a Spencerilius boxallius, a.k.a. Spencer Boxall. He loves Wal✽Mart so much he bouces up and down for it in hope of lower prices.
Toy packaging
Wal✽Mart takes great pride in its high standards when it comes to anchoring a toy to its box. These astonishingly intricate arrangements are unprecedented in the toy packaging industry. Wal✽Mart uses a hundred tons of iron ore a year in twisty ties alone and every component of every toy must be attached by a minimum of twenty twisty ties twisted twenty times (say that real fast ten times).
The cardboard box itself must strictly adhere to Wal✽Mart's tight security regulations and require tools to open it which indisputably discourages shoplifting. In some instances the jaws of life may be the only equipment available to open oversized packages, especially around Christmas time when stress levels are at their highest and the tight packaging serves as the last straw. 73% of murders and 20% of holiday heart attacks are caused by Wal✽Mart toy packaging. Wal✽Mart's packaging is the reason they sell so many angle grinders.
Wal✽Mart toys are also the #1 supporter of the Chinese Lead industry.
The China Connection
Although Chinese suppliers deny their connection to loading its products with lead paint and sloppy graphics, Wal✽Mart continues to sell poisonous Christmas lights, toys, candles with lead wicks, and shopping carts contaminated with handles that have been touched by thousands of customers whose babies sucked on strings of xmas tree lights then slobbered on carts which were later touched by consumers who then touched their nose or mouth.
Does this explain the widespread behavioral dysfunction of Americans and their seemingly complete ignorance of common decency or manners? Yes! It explains everything! The apathy, the stupidity, the greed, the rudeness, the ignorance. There was no ADD, bipolar disorder, Prozac, or Ritalin before the evolution of Chinese product importing Walmart. Something there is that doesn't love a mall and its name is Walmart.
Wal✽Mart and the Antichrist
Pretty much ...
Subsidiaries
- Walachia✽Mart
- Jihad✽Mart
- 9-Eleven (a subsidiary of Jihad-Mart)
