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These are my articles that I wrote. Some are good. Read them.

Now with handy footnotes to remind you what kinds of jokes each article features. There are lots of jokes! Also they're somewhat organized based on accolades and personal preference now. Somewhat. Read them.

It is wise to equip these before reading any of my articles. Trust me.

Required Reading[edit]

  1. Rapto-velocity [1] (Won the Unfortunately-Titled Happymonkey Competition!) (Top 10 of 2011!)#Filial Piety [2] (Top 10 of 2010! Wooooo)
  2. Milton Babbitt/Talk:Milton Babbitt/Milton Babbitt/rewrite [3](Honorable Mention Top 10 of 2011! Woooo!) (Also featured 3 times. Nah big.)#Sex [4] (Top 3 of Month) (Top 10 of 2012! Hooray.)
  3. Titshugger Penishead McFucknutter [5] (Personal Favorite! Stephen Colbert ripped off the concept once!)
  4. IMSPWOHWFM [6] (Won Best Illustrated In PLS) (Top 10 of 2011! Wooooo.)
  5. Antifreeze [7] (Won the Article Whisperer!) (Top 3 of Month) (Top 10 of 2012 honorable mention!)
  6. Sergei Rachmaninoff [8] (Top 10 of 2007! Wooooo)
  7. Regular K[9] (Very nearly honorable mention for Uncyclopedia:Top 10 Articles of 2010)
  8. Muddy Waters [10] (Won Best Rewrite in PLS)
  9. Skrillex [11] (Top 3 of Month) (Top 10 of 2012! Yaaaaaay.)
  10. The Wire [12] (My "Passion Play," except without Mickey Rourke and Megan Fox and, hopefully, Awfulness)
  11. HowTo:Meet women [13] (Landmark 50th) (PLS Runner-up)
  12. Chicks [14] (Top 3 of Month)
  13. HowTo:Beat Shaq [15]
  14. Freezer [16] (PLS Runner-up)
  15. Rocks [17]
  16. Peter Dinklage [18] (Top 3 of Month)
  17. HowTo:Play Russian Roulette (PLS failure) [19]
  18. Charles Mingus [20]
    My inspiration.
  19. Aran Islands [21]
  20. Uncyclopedia Department of Tourism [22]
  21. Taft Punk [23]
  22. Andy Kaufman (co-authored with the excellent Mark Twain) [24]
  23. Talk Talk [25]
  24. Encyclopedia Dramatica (Encyclopedia) [26] (Top 3 of Month)
  25. Stratego [27]
  26. The Fourth Stooge (Article-in-an-hour contest) [28]
  27. UnBooks:Evelyn, the Modified Dog [29]
  28. Drugs [30]
  29. Boards of Canada [31]
  30. Stevie Wonder [32]
  31. Dave Chappelle [33]
  32. Hipster [34]
  33. Two and a Half Men [35]
  34. UnScripts:Good Dog/Bad Dog [36]
  35. Crescendo [37]
  36. Selective Inbreeding (PLS failure) [38]
  37. Regent University [39]
  38. Complete list of applications of trigonometry in today's society [40]
  39. How much can YOU take!! (PLS failure) [41]
  40. Uh oh (with Under user, Mhaille and Cajek, may his soul rest in peace) [42]
  41. Pillow fighting (With Dr. Skullthumper) [43]
  42. HowTo:Be Deep (with Ljlego and Dr. Skullthumper) [44] (Top 3 of Month)
  43. Air horn [45]
  44. Why?:I'm hot [46]
  45. David Brubeck [47]
  46. Joule [48]
  47. PlayStation 3 [49]
  48. 1989 [50]
  49. Vidja Game [51] (Top 10 of the year on Illogicopedia!)
  50. Mike Gravel [52]
  51. PARTY HARD (Partied harder by Dr. Skullthumper) [53]
  52. Quality (Also Flammable and some IP) [54]

Supplementary Reading and Various Un-jokes[edit]

Gorbachev bear reminds you to focus on building a wall.
  1. wesley willis [55]
  2. Rock and Roll (food) [56]
  3. Esperanto [57]
  4. Cum Dumpster [58]
  5. The Song Remains the Same [59]
  6. Reverse Holocaust [60]
  7. UnScripts:The United States Government Just Doesn't Give a Fuck[61]
  8. That time I nearly maed a yuky doody during my sojourn in Canada [62]
  9. Major urinary proteins (with Socky) [63]
  10. Why?:So Serious? (collab with TheLedBalloon) [64]
  11. UnScripts:The Best Man [65]
  12. The Mementocrats [66] (Quasi-Featured!)
  13. Flute Hero [67]
  14. Yellow Snow [68]
  15. The Bureaucrats (Joke) [69]
  16. UnBooks:See Soulja [70]
  17. Star Wars Kid [71]
  18. Breakfast [72]
  19. Niggas in Paris [73]
  20. Dark Horse (didn't win shit in anything) [74]
  21. Black Moth Super Rainbow [75]
  22. UnPoetia:The poem that goes like this [76]
  23. Codeine is a fat cunt (album) [77]
  24. Chuggo [78]
  25. Cunt cunt cunt cunt crap crap shit (rewrite of an in-joke standard)[79]
  26. Somewhere in Japan [80]
  27. United States Treasury [81]
  28. Category:Pictures with EugeneKay's green dong in them [82]
  29. UnBooks:The Dark and Stormy Night [83]
  30. Wilt Chamberlain (somewhat of a rewrite, big cleanup of ManiacNumbers's original) [84]
  31. Ekrpat [85]
  32. Tiny penis syndrome [86]
  33. HowTo:Save an awful article from deletion [87]
  34. HowTo:Recognize a dubstep song (with Dr. Skullthumper and Zombiebaron)

No Don't Look At These[edit]

  1. Disney Magic (my vewy first article. awwwwww!)
  2. Hyper Bole (second article. kind of... ehhhhhhhh)
  3. HowTo:Eat a Reese's (Abandoned)
  4. Enough for everybody (Abandoned) (Self-deleted during FFW)
  5. Flowers (never finished) (Deleted in a massive article purge)
  6. HowTo:Write a Bad Uncyclopedia Article (Didn't start it, but contributed a lot)
  7. SubZero (rewrote from VFD, did the best I could without making the original author mad)

Will Never Be Finished, Ever Ever[edit]

  1. 18th Century (Decadence jokes)

News and Shit[edit]


  1. UnNews:Scientists Make a Sheep/Human Hybrid, Beastiality Enthusiasts Pleased (Featured! Take that, Rogpyvbc!)
  2. UnNews:French tornadoes devestate US
  3. UnNews:Nelson Mandela dies at age 88 (Featured! Hah! Take that, EugeneKay, sorta!)
  4. UnNews:Word up! Barack Obama elected president!
    My favorite band? Reeducation From Above 1917
  5. UnNews:J.P. Morgan CEO goes hunting, world's most expensive bear gets killed
  6. UnNews:Man sits at home playing Warcraft III, gets all the hot women
  7. UnNews:Man granted immortality speaks out: "Life's a bitch" (PLS failure)
  8. UnNews:Teen suicide baffles neighborhood and internet sites
  9. UnNews:Guy Gets Crazy
  10. UnNews:Slow News Day angers activists
  11. UnNews:Disco never died! (PLS failure)
  12. UnNews:Moss grows on stone
  13. UnNews:Crackpot confirms irrational suspicions after viewing online news piece (Featured! And really quickly, too.)
  14. UnNews:Osama Bin Laden dies
  15. UnNews:Whitey goes to Heaven (Quasi'd! But given its topicality, not likely to go all the way.)
  16. UnNews:The prodigal son returns
  17. UnNews:Famous sheep suffocates on own fleece
  18. UnNews:New York inches closer to legalizing interspecies marriage
  19. UnNews:Lil B dubbed new "Hardest Working Man in Show Business"
  20. UnNews:Obama comes out of the closet
  21. UnNews:CERN scientists discover strong evidence of Amelia Earheart
  22. UnNews:Hal Holbrook is a melting lesbian (first new article on the moved site)


  1. UnNews:Man actually has a gun in his pocket, three dead
  2. UnNews:Fate thrusted upon man
  3. UnNews:Estonian Wiki Suffers Extensive Vandalism, Blames Russians
  4. UnNews:Estonians strike back at Russians, ban toll reaches thousands
  5. UnNews:Pope visits Brazilian drug "clinic"
  6. UnNews:Tragedy Strikes Texas
  7. UnNews:The election is finally over! Ron Paul disposes of other candidates in ironic ways, elects self president of America. Keen work, Ron!
  8. UnNews:Treacherous lies and slander from the Ron Paul base! Fear not, America is not yet dead, for a brave new silver knight will come forth in a flourish of Angels to save us from these desperate times! Hark, of course I refer to the one and only Mike Gravel!
  9. UnNews:Man kills neighbor's dog and takes a shit in its skull, is not raptured

Articles that aren't mine but are still probably worth your time[edit]

The Best Best[edit]

  • Fire Hydrant
    • Fire Hydrant. Just read it. Fire hydrant.
  • Martin Van Buren
    • Highly influential article for me, and also balls-to-the-floor hilarious with every line.
  • Heat death of the universe
    • Cajek found a formula and perfected it with this article. TLB, meanwhile, nails one 3-pointer after another. Best article of 2007
  • Being and Nothingness
    • It's like spanking your own ass and not even for fun.
  • Hot indiscriminate sex
    • That little scientist face scale kills me every time. Genius. Best article of 2008.
  • UnNews:Obama doodles random shit
    • Kingkitty's id runs away with this article. Obama doodles random shit, indeed. Best article of 2010.
  • The fact that you don't want a poodle
    • The only page my girlfriend at the time liked more than my own. Bitch. Best article of 2009.
  • Blind Lemon Kraftwerk
    • White men : The Blues :: Black men : Krautrock. And the best part is that it actually makes sense. The sharpest satire article on the whole site, perhaps.
  • New Hampshire Merchant Cat
    • That cat lying on the grass is probably the best use of a picture on the site. That is a racist cat if I've ever seen one. Plus, the article is hilarious.
  • Battle of Guadalcanal
    • A real blast from the past in 2011. The perfect blend of product placement and thrilling war story.
  • Armenian Genocide
    • I know several Turks in real life. Truth is more terrifying than fiction. This article speaks the terrifying truth in the most hilarious, over-the-top way possible. Best article of 2011.
  • Girl with a Pearl Earring
    • Absolutely pitch-perfect deadpan with juuuuuuuuust the right amount of repetition. A timeless "rake gag" for Uncyclopedia to cherish forever. Best article of 2012.

The Best[edit]

Jokes, For Future Reference[edit]

  1. (Fast, Expensive, Deadly jokes)
  2. (Confucius meets Grandpa rape jokes)
  3. (Ouroboros meta-postmodern modernism Jokes)
  4. (Sex jokes)
  5. (Ridiculously crude name jokes)
  6. (Crummy Visual jokes)
  7. (Internal combustion jokes)
  8. (Russian composer jokes)
  9. (Cereal jokes)
  10. (Blues footjokes)
  12. (Omar Dies jokes)
  13. (Starbucks jokes)
  14. (Sojourner Truth jokes)
  15. (Aaron Carter Jokes)
  16. (The opposite of Antifreeze jokes)
  17. (Rock Jokes MK II)
  18. (Dwarf Jokes, some In Bruges jokes too)
  19. (Probability meets Suicide jokes)
  20. (Angry jazz jokes)
  21. (Rock jokes)
  22. (The Sun jokes, Nauru jokes, and Montana jokes coexist happily)
  23. (French House meets American History jokes)
  24. (Huck Finn jokes)
  25. (Jokes jokes)
  26. (Encyclopédie meets Entourage meets actual ED jokes (just keep reading, they'll show up eventually maybe))
  27. (Jews meet Stratego jokes)
  28. (Iggy Pop jokes)
  29. (Frank Zappa jokes)
  30. (Cool people jokes)
  31. (IDM and Pitchfork jokes)
  32. (He Isn't Actually Blind jokes)
  33. (Rick James jokes)
  34. (Jokes that will be irrelevant in two weeks)
  35. (Farts and Trannies jokes)
  36. (Anthropo(lice)morphism jokes)
  37. (Gradually increasing jokes)
  38. (English royalty meets Genetics jokes)
  39. (Fundamentalist jokes)
  40. (Pseudomath Jokes)
  41. (Japanese Game Show jokes}
  42. (Pauly Shore jokes)
  43. (Pillow jokes)
  44. (Deep jokes)
  46. (MIMS jokes)
  47. (Pam Grier jokes)
  48. (Heat and work jokes)
  49. (Skin graft jokes)
  50. (Historically accurate jokes on jokes)
  51. (Old people jokes)
  52. (Minimalist Rock Jokes)
  53. (Andrew W.K. jokes)
  54. (joeks)
  55. (Rock over London jokes, Rock on Chicago jokes)
  56. (Estonian jokes)
  57. (El jokes-o)
  58. (Sluts and Nickelback jokes)
  59. (Fish-fucking jokes)
  60. (Reverse jokes)
  61. (Mismatched linguistic context jokes)
  62. (Indirectly Featured In-jokes)
  63. (Loser jokes)
  64. (Depressing jokes)
  65. (Kanye West jokes)
  66. (More reverse jokes)
  67. (Jethro Tull meets Harmonix jokes)
  68. (Frank Zappa jokes on jokes)
  69. (Dirty in-jokes)
  70. (Jokes for kids, by kid rappers)
  71. (Shoggoth jokes)
  72. (Alcoholism jokes)
  73. (African American social mobility jokes)
  74. (One-joke pony)
  75. (Sunshine lollipops and rainbows jokes)
  76. (Spamalot jokes)
  77. (Sesame Street jokes)
  78. (Latent homosexuality in rap jokes)
  79. (Cunt, crap, and shit jokes)
  80. (Tsunami jokes)
  81. (Jew Gold jokes)
  82. (No jokes here move along)
  83. (Fan fiction jokes)
  84. (Sex and Basketball jokes)
  85. (Dvorak jokes)
  86. (Slightly-less-ridiculously crude name jokes)
  87. (Ironic In-jokes)