UnNews:Obama comes out of the closet

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 May 2012

THE WHITE HOUSE WASH CLOSET, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA -- With a firm kick from the heel of his ankle, United States President Barack Obama sent the door of his closely guarded Political Opinions Closet rocketing off its hinges, straight into the face of a doomed Jay Carney. Obama officially declared his political support of gay marriage, taking a stand on the issue for the first time in nearly 51 years.

Gathering many of his closest friends, family, cabinet members, and paparazzi together for an impromptu press conference, Obama boldly revealed his sexual allegiances.

"This may come as a shock to many of you," began Obama, as Chief of Staff Jacob Lew packed his plate full of gouda cheese at the refreshment table, "but I have been a supporter of gay marriage for the last three years. Sure, I was unsure during my first year and willing to experiment with conservatism, but over time I finally figured out the course of action that ultimately feels right."

The news surprised some, who thought Obama just acted like a supporter of gay marriage in order to get discounts at nightclubs and cheaper haircuts, but was predicted by some close associates.

"Totally called it," said Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, while delivering a high five to the similarly clairvoyant Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, "Had him pegged since '08. My gaydar is never wrong."

Obama concluded the meeting by tossing a bouquet of chrysanthemums, over his shoulder, which Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano caught. Shortly thereafter, Secretary Clinton lightly punched Vilsack in the shoulder and triumphantly whispered "I knew it!"

The gay community has reacted to Obama's declaration with great praise, calling it the most monumental outing since Larry Craig haunted the Twin Cities bathroom stalls. "This announcement doesn't come a moment too soon," says Stonewall spokesman Reginald Foppery, "though one could argue it comes several dozen moments too late. Still, better than nothing."

Sources

• Keitel Cereal "Obama Totally Gay For Gays" The Wall Street Homo, May 10, 2012

• Harold Squinderfeld "Romney Comes Out As Straight To Wife, Crickets" Republican Du Jour, May 10, 2012