UnNews:Man actually has a gun in his pocket, three dead
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 April 2007
CANTON, NJ - A middle-aged man in a Subaru dealership was discovered to have a gun in his pocket after being asked by a seductive saleswoman, "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?". The man was said to have answered "The first one", then went on to draw the handgun and shoot her and two bystanders. The woman and the spectators were rushed to the hospital, but were pronounced dead upon arrival.
"This should have never happened," said Washington Irving, the owner of the lot, "I don't know whether to blame her for instigating the incident, or to blame myself for letting the man browse. Even if he did have a massive erection, it just would have scared off other customers. Seriously, what kind of a dealership owner would want to have a man strutting his goods around his lot for everyone to see? It's terrible for business."
When asked if having an erection while browsing or having a handgun was worse, Mr. Irving couldn't decide easily. "I would have to say the handgun, but only if he planned on using it and it wasn't hidden well."
The family of the saleswoman is now pushing for counter-measures to prevent occasions like this from happening again. The mother of the deceased, Nancy Cardigan, has joined with Mr. Irving in pushing a bill through state assembly banning erections on car lots, under penalty of $5000 and a public shaming.
"These idiots fail to acknowledge the fact that it was, in fact, a handgun and not an erection that was the source of this crime," says Vladymir Gerard, the husband of one of the slain spectators, "They argue that it was the subject matter of the joke itself that caused the crime, and not the fact that the murderer was a sexually abused ex-convict with schizophrenia and a known crack habit. Not to mention all the times he was arrested for his child porn ring. But NOOOOO! It was all the fault of the erection, which didn't even exist, mind you!"
Vladymir suggests that Ms. Cardigan and Mr. Irving pushed for anti-gun laws instead, but his complaints fell upon deaf ears.
The murderer is expected to plead guilty. When he was asked to comment on the issue, he responded ironically: "As a matter of fact, I was actually pretty happy to see her."