Hyper Bole

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Seating chart for the Hyper Bole, minimized 500,000x.

The Hyper Bole was one of the College Football's many bowl games. To the absolute greatest despair of the entire world, it was cut from tradition after only two years, making its extremely diminutive run probably the shortest ever in the history of the NCAA. Despite its infinitesimally brief existence, it was burned into the memories of the millions who watched it for the rest of their lifetimes.

History[edit | edit source]

Baron Hill played in the first Hyper Bole for the Furman Paladins. He was the greatest wide receiver Furman ever had, until he turned like 100 years old and became the worst congressman ever.

The idea of hosting the Hyper Bole was addressed to the NCAA board of directors in 1956. This was eons upon eons before the NCAA dropped the extremely archaic spelling of Bole to be replaced by Bowl, so absolutely no one minded the spelling difference that would freak out today's populace to no end. The great and powerful genius John Madden, still in his youth years, proposed the idea to the board, after cooking it in his mind for his entire lifetime prior to the particular moment he presented it. Every single member of the board thought it to be a truly exceptional proposition. They made a contract with him to host the Hyper Bole in Tennessee for two years, though after the contract expired they would almost certainly renew it for another century or so. Sadly, this never happened.

The First Hyper Bole[edit | edit source]

Since all the godly teams were already set to play in the other boles, the only teams that were available to play were the Furman Paladins and the Colgate Raiders. These teams were selected because their mediocrity at the time surpassed all other teams a thousandfold on the mediocrity scale, which is more accurate than a marksman pigeon with a stuffed digestive tract flying over a 10 mile wide barrel of infants. That is, it always hits the target and only fails once in a trillion years.

When it aired on CBS, approximately 1/3rd of the entire world's population tuned in to watch it. It was a runaway hit, and was bigger than Elvis. The final score, after a game that went into over four hundred and fifty overtimes and clocking in just over 1000 minutes in length, was 2700 to 2699. Every one of the spectators agreed that it was the closest game they ever saw in their entire lives, and wished for an encore. CBS gained billions upon billions of dollars from the game, and was more than thrilled to host a second Hyper Bole, to which they were contractually obliged to do.

The Second Hyper Bole[edit | edit source]

The second Hyper Bole was predicted unanimously by every single critic to top in the ratings higher than the Super Bowl, The Swedish Orienteering and Firing a Rat From a Cannon Championships, and the Pope's death combined. Needless to say, they were more disappointed than a father who discovered his son was pregnant. The teams this time around were the Thumbleton Community College Voluminous Volkswagens and the San Fransisco Treats, a drop in quality so steep it stretched down to Hell itself. In an unusual coincidence, the stadium for the second Hyper Bole was in Hell, North Dakota.

The immediate response to the second Hyper Bole was something along the lines of the L.A. Riots, though not quite as big as the Holocaust. CBS could do nothing but watch as their entire company lost millions of shares minute by minute. Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone and the NCAA board of directors were so depressed at the aftermath that they all considered mass suicide. John Madden filed for bankruptcy fifty times over the course of two days. Leading scientists around the world theorized a second Great Depression was sure to be imminent. Approximately 1 person watched the second instalment of the Hyper Bole (with a margin of error of 1-2 persons) Luckily, the CBS corporation bounced back the very next week with the release of the new sitcom Lois and Clark, which would garner them over a trillion dollars during the 32 season span in which it aired.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

When the Hyper Bole was first announced to the public, citizens of the world were all equally baffled at how to pronounce the name of the event. The official pronunciation is "HY-per-bowl", though some people believed it to be pronounced "hy-PER-buh-lee." The second pronunciation is vastly incorrect, and those who stood by that pronunciation were denounced publicly. Anyone who uses the latter, incorrect pronunciation would now be criticized for having brains the size of a pin. In light of this controversy, the NCAA changed the spelling of "Bole" to "Bowl", to avoid further confusion. This move is thought to be the greatest move the NCAA had ever done since they signed the contract with John Madden to create the Hyper Bole.

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