UnNews:Lil B dubbed new "Hardest Working Man in Show Business"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 April 2012

Based God: Gay, Happy, Hard Working.

DETROIT, Alabama -- James Brown, the funk chameleon whose legendary music was only preceded by his outsized persona, left the throne of Hardest Working Man in Show Business vacant since his soulful spirit took a literal left turn. Six years later, that mantle has finally been occupied.

In a move that some detractors call "hasty," "ill-conceived," and "kinda just plain retarded," the International Board of Musicianship (IBM) has recognized California rapper/actor/part-time-messiah-impersonator Little "Lil" B as the official pretender to the throne of Hardest Working Man in Show Business. Since their announcement early Saturday, though, the naysayers have been drowned out in a rising sea of "swag!"s and "whoop!"s.

"Not since Mr. Dynamite himself has the world seen a man so dedicated to his work, regimented in his style, and prolific in his output," read the IBM press release, penned by chairman Washington Irving. It went on to note the statistics that made such pronouncements deserving: Lil B released sixteen mixtapes and over two hundred songs in the first quarter of 2012 alone, in addition to playing over four concerts a day, shooting eighteen videos for his official Youtube channel a week, and an additional four videos a week for his unoffocial Youtube channel (for his secondary hobby of stamp collecting). His music itself reeks of restraint and discipline; Lil B keeps his beats and rhymes so tight that they often barely exist in the first place. He has been recognized by several media outlets for his sublime musical workmanship before, but the IBM's passing of James Brown's crown is groundbreaking for the young arist.

"This is the basest news I've heard in a while," said Lil B himself while a manservent adorned the arist with a shimmering green cape.

Lil B is escorted from stage by his assistant after a particularly exhausting rendition of "Bitch I'm Bill Clinton."

"I put my heart and soul into all my music. Gotta thank my DJs, producers, and Kenny. Yo Kenny, I fucked your bitch. But it's okay. I still respect her, for real." B then confessed that he wished to continue the interview, but he was cooking something "base" and had to "base" with his "basudes and basettes" at the "basedome" in "ten base minutes." With a flash of the cape, he was gone, presumably risen to Base Heaven to take his seat at the head of the Holy Base Trinity alongside Soulja Boy and Wesley Willis.

Brown earned his title in 1972 due to his careful balancing of a rigorous performance schedule with a vigorous domestic abuse routine, but ceded it in 2006 when he died. Lil B made the shortlist for replacements when he successfully fooled the IBM into thinking he was Miley Cyrus, a stunt that briefly passed off some twisted spin-off of Hannah Montana as reality.

Ellen Degeneres has not been available to comment.

Sources

• Ryan Schneebly "Lil B to cap recent honor with NYU lecture about "deconstructionism, and shit."" Pitchfork Media, April 14, 2012