HowTo:Eat a Reese's
~ Captain Obvious on eating a Reese's
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are some of the most interesting pieces of candy on the market to date. They all have the exact same structure, a shallow chocolate shell with rigid edges extending outward encompassing a soft peanut butter center, and the only variation is the color on the outside shell. Despite the consistencies on structure throughout every Reese's model, anyone on the planet would know that there is more than one way to eat a Reese's. This article will describe the myriad ways in which to eat said Reese's.
Popular Methods Throughout History[edit | edit source]
The Classical (popular 1849 - 1862)[edit | edit source]
The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup was first conceived in 1849 by Reese Helmingtonsburg VII on his southern Ohio farm. Reese brewed a batch for his neighbors, who were sceptical as to how to eat it. One man attempted to eat it like one eats a carrot, but had to be rushed to the local hospital for a spontaneous case of Ewing's Tumor (conspiracy theorists to this day still argue if this case was purely coincidence). Reese demonstrated to them, via interpretive dance, what would later be known as the Classical Method. This method had the ingestor bite the cup in half, observe the rich peanut buttery center methodically for a few seconds, and then insert the other half into their mouth. Few people criticized it at the time, for they had no other real ways to eat it.
The GranTwist (1863 - 1914)[edit | edit source]
Reese's cup caught on, and he expanded it into a franchise. In a few years, people across the United States were eating Reese's Cups his way. His way was the only way until 1863, for people at the time were either too stupid or too infected with Ewing's Tumor to come up with a new way. This period of Limbo was shattered when Civil War broke out in 1961. Reese was on it, and lent over 50,000 of his cups to the war effort. They didn't go over well with the soldiers, most were easily shot while they stared at the golden peanut butter center mid-chew, but were a smash hit with the officers. In 1963, General Ulysses S. Grant got hold of a cup, and disapproved on the current method of ingestion. Ipso facto, the GranTwist was invented.
This method had the gobbler grab the cup by its major axis, twist it legthways, and insert it into their mouth like one inserts an airplane of food into a baby's. Most of his fellow officers found it childish, but ate theirs that way since he was the president and they were not. As an act of retaliation, General Robert E. Lee of the Confederate army came up with his own method, but all accounts were lost after his army was mercilessly crushed and the method was dissolved. Legend has it that the third battle of Bull Run was fought entirely using Reese's, and had over 4000 casualties from violent choking and indigestion.
The Boomerang (1915-1968)[edit | edit source]
Following the end of the Civil War, the Reese's Cup was branded as a military product only, and was yet to be discovered by the general public outside of Cleveland. However, there was no more war around, and the market for Reese's peanut butter cups fell drastically. In order to boost sales, Reese's grandson collaborated with Serbian fanatics to assassinate the Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand in exchange for a quarter ton of Cups for the war that would surely follow. The fanatics agreed, and the rest is History. Sales of the Peanut Butter Cups sky rocketed, and as the war expanded around the world more capital was brought in as the consumer market expanded. It wasn't until the battle of Gallipoli, however, until the Reese's would find its way into the common household. Brave Australian warriors, equipped with only a small pellet gun and a Reese's, would come to invent the Boomerang method, in which a large chunk of Reese's was bitten off, leaving a shape resemblant of a waning crescent moon.
The method would be found a lot more accessible than all of its predecessors, and would become adopted by populaces around the world, and this method would be heralded as the true way to eat a Reese's for decades to come
The Warhol Years (1969-1972)[edit | edit source]
The Reese's peanut butter cup was discovered by Andy Warhol. While many in Studio 51 tried to grind up the Reese's peanut butter cups to snort through their noses, also known as the Reese's Warhuff Warhol saw possibilities in the round shape displayed by the cups. However, his piece with six Reese's in different colors failed to sell. He eventually repainted it using the more middle-class friendly Campbell's soup cans. After abandoning his Reese's project, his fans turned to cocaine instead of Warhuffing, and sales dropped catastrophically. The Reese's Foundation needed a miracle to save themselves from going bankrupt, and it came in the form of none other than Disco.
The Disco Revolution (1972-1989)[edit | edit source]
The next revolution in methods to eating the multifaceted and complex candy came with the advent of disco music. Popular musical groups such as the Bee Gees and Gloria Gaynor ushered in a phase of music full of simple synthesizer rhythms, obscured or blurring sexuality, and flamboyant hip-moving. With the shift in artistic tastes came a radical new way of consuming Reese's peanut butter cups. The method consisted of swinging ones hips out in one direction, lifting a careless arm in the other, pointing ones fingers, and then consuming the candy. The method was found not only to be radically new and exciting, but also very condusive to the digestive system. The flamboyant hip-swinging, though, could not last forever, and as some young revolutionaries threw out their backs and others wore the joints in their hips down to nothing, the phase gradually died away. It was time for another innovation in Reese-eating.
The Horror, the horror (1990-1999)[edit | edit source]
Beginning in 1990 music lovers around the world became aware of a looming catastrophe: Upon the stroke of midnight in 2000 all ababacuses (ababaci?) would no longer work, plunging all humanity into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted slide rules.
Heeding the artist formerly known as Prince Charles to "Party Like its 1999", yet anxious to leave the drug-fuelled excesses behind, newly genteel coke-whores began using tiny sterling silver utensils to gently nibble their chocolate/peanut buttery treats. This gave birth to the phrase "Reese With a Spoon." America had a new sweetheart, one that only ocassionally stuck in your teeth.
The Millenium Crisis[edit | edit source]
At 10:00 pm, December 31, 1999, believing the world was about to end, radical nutritians abandoned their standard diet of processed animal parts and vegetables and bought, simultaneously, 10,000 Reese's cups.
These nutricians (who work today at Smoothie Kings around the globe) blended the cup with grape juice, watermelon, and flax seed.
The End Of the World[edit | edit source]
This apparently delicious mixture that violated all previous boundaries of smoothie edicate caused a black hole to form in the center of the earth. Unfortunately, the theory that black holes are breaks in time turned out to be true, and we are continuing to live from 1997-1999 to this day.
How NOT To Eat A Reese's[edit | edit source]
Another method of understanding the many ways in which a small chocolate candy can be consumed, is to be fully aware of the many ways in which the same candy should not be consumed and therefore, by process of elimination, understanding that every single way except the plethora of wrong ways is right... I think.
Therefore; below is a list of how NOT to eat a Reese's. Any attempt to eat Reese's in these ways (to be funny or for some other malevolent purpose) will not only be frowned upon, but will result in instant death.
The Pizza Pie[edit | edit source]
Placing Reese's Peanut Butter cups on a pizza or any other edible circular surface will result in circliosis, a disease which slowly but surely decays the mind, ultimately resulting in loss of control of bodily functions leading to death. This method of Reese eating was popularized in the 1970s where pizzas covered in Reese cups were considered the grooviest of psychedelic food experiences - and we all know how those guys turned out.