UnBooks:A Million Little Reese's Pieces
This is the completely factual and compelling auto-biographical account of one man's inspiring struggle with addiction in the Ohio State-Funded Rehabilatation Center. It is not a fabrication.
Day 1[edit | edit source]
My name is James Krey. I am 23 years old, and I am addicted to Reese's Pieces. This is my completely truthful and accurate account of my stay at the Ohio State-Funded Rehabilitation Center.
Well, I'm standing outside the "rehabilitation center" now, as my therapist called it. Don't see what the big deal is, it's just a tiny little red brick building in the middle of nowhere. People are starting to look at me funny. Might be because of my constant shoving of Reese's Pieces up my mouth. But most likely it's cause I'm taking too long looking at the building. Yeah, that must be why; I mean, there's nothing wrong with me, right? Right?...
The plane I had to get on just an hour before wasn't too comfortable, I must say. I flew on Southwest. Wasn't my first choice, but it turned out good in the end. This one guy--looked foreign--took out a bomb and everyone ended up killing him with dental floss and phanny-packs. That's what I like about Southwest Airlines, it's real secure. As for this place I'm at now, can't be so sure.
Today I met my new therapist, name is Dr.Nursenbommensch. I think he's German. Not so much by his name, just by the swastika he has tattoed on his head. Looks nice, I have a tattoo as well. It's a little dragon with butterfly wings, on the small of my back. That's a funny word, small. Man, I really have to stop eating Reese's Pieces...
Day 2[edit | edit source]
I did something today I'm not too proud of. I totally flipped out when Dr.Nursenbommensch told me my rehabilitation was gonna start cold turkey. I told him I didn't like turkey. I don't usually eat much at Thanksgiving...But I asked if I could just have some ham. Cheese woulda been nice, too. Oh, and some pickles. Yeah, I like pickles. Almost as much as Reese's Pieces. But Dr.Nursenbommensch told me it just meant I had to stop eating Reese's Pieces right away. I thought, yeah, sure, that's what I came here for, but boy, was I wrong...
Day 3[edit | edit source]
I met another doctor today, a psychologist, Dr.Lebowitz. I don't think Dr.Nursenbommensch likes him very much. Not because he's a former Nazi and Lebowitz is a Jew, I think something happened between them a long time ago and they've got repressed feelings. Stuff like that usually happens a lot. I learned that on TLC. Or was it Laguna Beach? Well, one of those...
Dr.Lebowitz is funny. He knows a lot of stories about people who come in. There was this one guy who was addicted to rat feces. I ask, how could anyone be addicted to rat feces? He said he's treated much weirder cases. I doubt it. Dr.Lebowitz is a nice guy, but Dr.Nursenbommensch says his kind are liars. I don't know what he has against psychologists...maybe some bad childhood experience.
Day 4[edit | edit source]
Dr.Lebowitz gave me some tests today. Held up a bunch of cards with ugly ink stains on them. Told me what came to mind when I saw each one. I told him the first card could use a new paintjob. The second one was better, but it needed a nice top to match its highlights. Dr.Lebowitz said I was a regular Woody Allen. I don't know why, I wasn't trying to be funny, and I meant what I said. These are basic tips, people. Pay attention!
Giving up reese's pieces isn't easy, I tell ya. There's not one moment that goes by I don't think about diving into that rich, chocolatey goodness. Oh wait, Reese's pieces are peanut butter........not a fabrication!
Day 5[edit | edit source]
Today I had my physical. Dr.Nursenbommensch said I was healthy enough, but I was soon to develop diabetes if I didn't stop eating so much sugary goodness. that's what me mum always said. Dr.Nursenbommensch pronounces it "DIA-BEH-TES", not "DIA-BEE-TEES". People who do that are weird, maybe that's how you say it in German though. The nurse who examined me was a nice-looking gal. Dr.Nursenbommensch said he'd "hit that". I thought Dr.Nursenbommensch knew better than to hit women, but maybe it's alright in Germany. I didn't tell him, though, thought it might be kinda rude...
I began learning German today. I found a nice book online, at Amazon.com, didn't cost me ten dollars, I tell ya. Great value, Amazon.com has tons of stuff. It's got everything, I think. Like an eBay for books. They've got other stuff, too, right? i never bothered to check out their other products, I don't exactly know my way around a computer yet, but I'm learning...I'm learning.
Day 6[edit | edit source]
The Wikipedia article on Amazon says it's got CDs, DVDs, and games, too. I like Wikipedia. It's the only place I know where untruths can become facts with enough readers. That sounded really smart, I should become a writer...I made an article on myself today. Probably gonna get deleted real soon, the administrators are picky 'bout that sort of thing. Don't know why, I'm a pretty good guy...nicer than Hitler I've been told, and he still has an article. Go figure...
My test results from the physical came back. Turns out I got a cavity on one of my teeths, real bad too. I don't remember seeing a dentist...Gonna' have to got that tooth pulled, though. Probably all the Reese's Pieces that did it.
The rest of the day I spent with Dr.Lebowitz. He did some more of them ink blot tests, I don't know what they're supposed to do, really. All they make me think about is how fugly them things are. But Dr.Lebowitx says I'm supposed to see people or candy, or something. I don't know. But now I understand why Dr.Nursenbommensch says the his kind started every war in history. I could see why psychologists can drive a guy crazy, but that's a bit of an exaggeration...Dr.Lebowitz is nice.
Day 7[edit | edit source]
I made some new friends today. There's this one guy, Tom, he addicted to cigarettes. Cigarettes are nasty. It's like you're breathing in smoke, that just grosses me out. Not like Reese's Pieces, them are tasty...but my friends back in California said I needed help, and I trust my friends...Anyways, I also met Tyrone. He's pretty nice as long as you don't get between him and his crack. Says he's making progress though, but I don't think I'm the one he's trying to convince...
I'm getting my tooth pulled today. I'm not scared, I've had teeth pulled before. Only thing is, they used a bit of anaesthesia those times. Now they're gonna go all-out on me. I gotta get a root canal, too. This is gonna hurt, but I'm strong. My momma always said I was a little fighter. that's what she called me, her "Little Warrior". I don't like war, though. Dr.Nursenbommensch says war helps cleanse the earth of inferior breeds. I don't know what that means, but I think he has post-traumatic stress syndrome or something. My gran-daddy had that. Always wigging out in front of me and my brother. Embarrased me sometimes, but I got over it; he's my grandpapa and I love him, you know...
I'm lying down on the dentist's chair (is that what they call them things?). I've got a different doctor working on me this time. His name's Dr.Cho. I think he's from Japan. We've got such a little multi-cultural family here. Did I mention I'm one-sixteenth Cherokee? yeah, my great-great-grandpapa was a heavy drinker, too. I don't like alcoholic beverages. Makes me crazy, you know...especially that tequila, yeah, I can't take that.
Oh, Dr.Cho's drilling into my mouth now. Is he really drilling, sounds more like he's scraping? But I can't see well, I think I'm dizzy from all the pain. Oh, it was terrible. Everytime he drilled (or scraped) into my soft pink gums, he said "Reese's Pieces". Supposed to be some kind of association treatment. I learn to associate Reese's pieces with pain. But you know what, they're still really good. I like em, but it's too bad I don't get to have any.
Day 8[edit | edit source]
It's been over a week since I haven't had a single reese's Pieces. I gotta do something. Tyrone says if you want something in here, you just gotta ask the Dealer. The Dealer runs things here, he says. I think he was lying...Mr. Johnson runs things here, he's the director of the treatment center; but tyrone insists, and I trust my friends.
So I went to see the dealer today. He was a nice guy, kept asking me if I was wearing a wire. Didn't know what that meant, but I just said no. Told me if I can do him a favor, he'll get me my Reese's Pieces. Told me to kill Dr.Monroe, one of the facility's psychologists. I didn't bother to find out why, thought it might be rude, but i didn't wanna kill anyone, not for one bag of Reese's pieces. But the Dealer said he had two full 5-pound bags. I couldn't resist. Dr.Monroe must die, ooh I'm so baaad.
Day 10[edit | edit source]
Skip to day 10. This is the big day, I'm about to kill Dr.Monroe. He works in the left wing, and I'm in the right, so I'll have to get permission from Dr.Nursenbommensch to go there. He said I could. I took my new knife with me, I got it on eBay. It's real nice, hand-carved by Sioux craftmen, 7" stainless-steel blade. Got's a carving of a wolf on one side. Real nice, hate to see it get dirty, but it is stainless, and besides, the only other knives in the center are the plastic ones from the cafeteria, and those can't do anything...
Well, I killed him. I won't go into the details, cause they make me sick just thinking about them. But I killed Dr.Monroe and the Dealer gave me my Reese's Pieces, all ten pounds of it. It was good, I totally pigged out and ate half of one bag in less than half an hour, about the time it takes to watch one episode of Trading Spouses. I like that show, it's fun to see how them different couples act with each other and all. It's wacky, some of them people, I tell ya...
Day 14[edit | edit source]
Jump to day 14. Wow, two weeks here already and i've been making lots of progress. I finished my Reese's Pieces yesterday. But Dr.Nursenbommensch found the empty bags. He got real mad. Started shouting at me in German. Only words I got from my lessons were: "fuck you, you stupid worthless"--something else I couldn't catch--"your mother hates you", I think, and "Rats on fishmongering habaneros with jeans", that last one didn't make much sense, but I probably misinterpreted it. Happens....
Dr.Nursenbommensch started me on a new exercise routine. My trainer is Ms.Haley. She's nice, but I always feel so uncomfortable around her, especially in my Spandex...what am I saying, I look hot in Spandex! No, really, she makes me work real hard. Today, I was real sweaty and tired. Didn't even shower, I just plopped right into bed.
Day 15[edit | edit source]
I'm getting me a new roommate today. It's gonna be so much fuuuun....We gonna stay up all night and tell spoooky ghost stories, just like on our hunting trips with pa. I remember the story of Jimmy the Mad Carpenter, this really scary guy who supposedly killed all these people using only a portable jigsaw. I tell ya, they can make anything portable these days.
My new roommate is here. His name is Frank, and he's a really heavy drinker. Got a liver two years ago, but atill can't seem to quit. I don't think I like the idea of someone else's organ inside you. That's just sick, but at least it saved Frank's life. And that's what counts in the end, people helping each other. Wow, I sure can see a lot better without Reese's Pieces clouding up my mind. Tomorrow I think I'll go to church again.
Day 17[edit | edit source]
Couldn't go to church yesterday on account of the rain. I'm sure the Lord will understand if I miss one day. I mean, I already missed 14 years. it was a long time since I last went to church. The minister touched me. No, not like epiphany-divine-spirit-touched; he actually touched me. I guess that's why I was reluctant to go. I'm a grown man and I should be flattered if someone wants to touch me. Yeah, anyways, the rain cleared up and we're going today, me and Paul. Paul is this really religious guy from the center. He's nice...
The church was real nice. Had a nice little spire, some stained-glass windows, painted a peachy-white, a cream, a peachy-cream color. More like a white though...Like a whitish creamy-peach, or a creamy peachy-white, or peachy creamy-white--yeah, that's it, a peachy creamy-white...The people inside were nice, all of them. The minister was too, he didn't touch any of the little boys. Gave a nice sermon. By the way, I did not know Jesus was a Jew...Dr.Nursenbommensch is alright with it for some reason, I think he's in denial. Germans deny lots of stuff, like World War II...I gotta get back to learning German some more. Guten Tag...that's "hello"...don't know the German word for goodbye yet, gotta look it up on Wiktionary...
I don't think God did it for me, I think I'll Buddhism. I like fat people, anyways. My cousin Kyle is pretty heavy-set. Heavy-set....just another fancy term for "fatty". Big-boned, pudgy, on the heavy side, large, robust, all meanthe same: "fatty". Rather be fat than addicted to Reese's Pieces.I'm working away from it though...
Day 20[edit | edit source]
I tried Buddhism today. I didn't get it, that whole thing about the incarnations and karma (or is that Hindu?), not for me...I killed an innocent doctor the other day and nothing bad has happened to me. Well, I did get caught eating Reese's pieces by Dr.Nursenbommensch. I think there's something to this Buddha stuff...
By the way, "good-bye" in German is Auf Wiedersehen...yeah...
Day 22[edit | edit source]
I just found out I'm gonna be released soon. That shock therapy really paid off. Everyone says I made a huge recovery, especially Dr.Lebowitz. Dr.Nursenbommensch didn't want to say so, cause he felt dirty agreeing with a psychologist. I asked him where he got his swastika tattoo today. I still want that dragon tattoo, you know, the one with the butterfly wings, but I don't know a good place. Tyrone told me jimy's tattoo parlor was a nice place, and we're going there later today.
Well, I'm at the tattoo parlor. Tyrone was right, it is nice. I got a guy named Raúl to do my dragon. Got it on the small of my back. He said something when he was done: Muy lindo, maricón. I don't know what that meant, I don't speak Spanish. Maybe it was Portuguese. I dunno, it all sounds the same to me...I kinda got the tattoo so I'll always remember my stay here, and all the friends I made...yeah, real nice.
Day 26[edit | edit source]
Well, the big day is here. I'm finally gonna be released. Dr.Nursenbommensch and everyone says I reovered quickly, and that made me smile. Now I don't feel any need to eat them Reese's Pieces no more. I am off that junk. Only healthy eating from now on (well, maybe a Twix from time to time, but you know how good them things are...).
I said goodbye to everyone, even Dr.Lebowitz, and I think I've learned to trust his kind a little more. I hope Dr.Nursenbommensch has, too; I don't want him to distrust psychologists forever. Everyone's been real nice to me, I gave them all a present. Just something real special. I think they liked it, it was a picture for the lobby-- you know, just one big present for everyone. I think they liked it, it was a picture of a cat...
Okay, well, I'm off...I sure struggled a lot while I was here, made lots of friends, but I really must be going...And as I stood outside the building eating my Twix, looking longingly at its red bricks of the treatment center, I couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't the last time I would see it...Maybe it had to do with the fact that I'd been eating Twix since last afternoon and had ten pounds of it in my bag, but something just told me I'd be back...
