UnNews:Famous sheep suffocates on own fleece
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 June 2011
SHEEPSTOWN, New Zealand -- Local legend Shrek has died after sixteen years of slowly choking on its own wool. The livestock equivalent of Robin Williams, Shrek grew wildly popular to Kiwi townsfolk for its wildly overgrown coat. At its most voluminous, it weighed over 20 kilograms.
Regrettably, Shrek's claim to fame would also be its downfall. As the sheep grew old and frail, the weight of its fleece became unsupportable. Stubborn to the very end about its prized possession, it refused to have its coat shorn when given the option, preferring to live life as an immobile husk of a sheep. In 2010, the coat became more than cumbersome, it became deadly. The wool was so thick around its face that Shrek could no longer graze without help from a feeding tube.
Rodney, the farmer in possession of Shrek, grieved at Shrek's situation but refused to shear its heavenly coat, as per the sheep's own wishes. "I know it puts the little lad in danger it does," he said, "but we still making a profit from the tourists, even with all the hospital equipment we rent. Other sheep come 'round from all over to see 'im." Unfortunately, this venture ran dry when Shrek was discovered dead last evening, having choked on a clump of his own wool.
Prior to his paralysis and ensuing death, Shrek was New Zealand's most celebrated prize fighter, competing as a heavyweight in sheepfighting tournaments both local and global. His thick coat made him impervious to the shoves and nudges of other sheep, but his wily technique was equally unrivaled. He held the title of Heavyweight Champion of the World for six straight years, avoiding all possible contenders by hiding in caves when they came a-knockin'.
Shrek's oldest friend Donkey, one of Rodney's donkeys, was not available to comment.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- William Steig "Shrek! dies" Farrar, Straus and Giroux, June 6, 2011