HowTo:Recognize a dubstep song

DJ Beathoven was one of the early pioneers of dubstep. He is known for the unique wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub sound of his music.

Welcome to the world of dubstep. Let's begin.

Step 1

First, buy a better stereo system. You need an enormous subwoofer to be able to differentiate certain nuances in most dubstep hits. For example, how could you tell the subtle "Wubwubwubuwubwub" of BTSTU by Jai Paul from the graceful "Wubwubwubuwubwubu" of James Blake's Limit to Your Love without a Peavey QW218 Professional BassGod. The answer is "you can't," not just because your current subwoofer sucks, but because those aren't dubstep songs. They are post-dubstep, much like how your hopelessly addicted older brother has been post-shelter since his mom discovered his stash.

You will need to turn the treble down as low as it possibly goes, and then turn the bass up as high as possible. This is confusing to most people because usually the treble is high noises and the bass is low noises, but for dubstep things are the other way around.

Step 2

Find some popular dubstep music. This shouldn't be very hard, as most of them are highly rated on youtube. Here are some tried-and-true tools for finding the perfect dubstep song:

• Search for key terms associated with dubstep, such as "Remix," "Epilepsy," and "Ibuprofen,"
• Do a "taste test" on each video you find. If it takes more than 8 seconds for the bass to drop, you've come to the wrong place.

Step 3

An example of what it might look like when you enter the dubstep "zone".

Get into the dubstep "zone". This can be accomplished by acquiring a Q-Tip and rubbing it in and out of your ear canal very quickly. If done properly, this will shape your brainwave patterns into a form more acceptable for dubstep-listening. If not done properly, you may go deaf, which, all things considered, is not necessarily the worst thing that could happen to you by following these directions.

Being dubstep certainly isn't necessary for recognizing a dubstep song, but it can be vital for gaining access to the hallowed chambers of dubsteppers, and will help you blend in once you are there. It can be difficult to recognise a dubstep song while standing outside of a dubstep club all by yourself while everyone else is inside having a seizure, so why not go the whole hog? The only two kinds of people who like dubstep are teenagers and hipsters, so take some leaves out of their books. Being a teenager is real easy; simply be between the ages of 13 and 19. Ok now relax. Being a hipster is much harder because you have to be hip, and since you don't yet know how to recognize a dubstep song I would recommend learning to walk before you try to run.

Once you are either a teenager or a hipster, you are adequately equipped for getting into the dubstep "zone". Next, go to a bar that plays dubstep, down five White Russians and hit the dancefloor. There are only two dance moves you need to know. The first is called the "fold your arms and look cool", which is what you do while you're waiting for the drop. Once the drop comes then it's time to do the only other move, which has been known by many names over the years, but is generally known as "having an epileptic fit" by the both the dubstep and medical communities. Once you have done this you will be firmly in the dubstep "zone" and can proceed to the next step, if you can still see.

Step 4

After at least several minutes of intense research, pick one dubstep song. That dubstep song is now your favorite song. Play it non-stop for the next month, preferably in front of the elderly and/or your least favorite relatives. At the end of the month, you should be able to recognize it if by chance somebody else plays it. Congratulations, you just recognized your first dubstep song!

Appendix A: Sample Lyrics

WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB

WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB

CALL 911 NOW

WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB

Appendix B: The Drop Severity Scale

1. Featherfall
2. Light rain
3. Bird shit
4. Schoolkid tripping over his own jumprope and falling to the ground like a tool
5. Andy Samberg tossing something to the ground
6. Kong shot down from the Empire State Building
7. 9/11
8. Hiroshima
9. Goodbye, dinosaurs
10. My penis into your mom's cavernous vagina

Appendix C: Also

• Skrillex