User:Orangutang94/Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ryan Fitzpatrick

The man, the myth, the legend himself, Fitzmagic.
No. 14
Position:	Sex machine, conman
Personal information
Born:	(1982-11-24) November 24, 1982 The Arizona wilderness
Height:	6' 2"
Weight:	220 pounds of awesomeness
Career information
College:	Hah-vaad
NFL Draft:	2005 / Round: 7 / Pick: A mystery
Career history
Every damn team in the league (2005 – 2021)
Career highlights and awards
NFL records Most teams swindled out of money Best beard
Career NFL statistics
TD-INT rate:	Yes
Starting QBs sent to the unemployment line:	All of them
Hearts won:	All of them
Hearts broken:	All of them
Playoff appearances:	😢
Player stats at NFL.com

Ryan Joseph Fitzpatrick, also known by his alter egos "Fitzmagic", "Fitztragic", "Fitzception", "Amish Magic" or "That Harvard Guy", is a sexy, conniving, magical conman who swindled half of the teams in the National Football League of their money by pretending to be a decent quarterback. Also, did you know he went to Harvard?

Yeah me neither.

Origins

Arising from the wilderness of Arizona, a place as mystical as he, Ryan Fitzpatrick was blessed by the coyote spirits with otherworldly math skills, the ability to smooth-talk and charm, and a good enough throwing arm to get the job done on the gridiron. In fact, he was swapped at birth with a baby coyote. Therefore, Fitzpatrick learned the coyote ways, and the coyote baby learned human ways and grew up to become Wile E. Coyote.

Fitzpatrick always had a chip on his shoulder, and he used his coyote ways to become a good swindler. He fought for everything and had to use his brains, charms, and above-average athleticism to gain respect. In fact, he was smart enough to swindle Harvard into giving him a full athletic scholarship, and Harvard doesn't give those out in the first place. He went on to swindle his professors into giving him all A's while balling out for the Harvard Crimson football team.

NFL conman career

St. Louis Rams

After graduating Magna Cum Laude from Harvard with a degree in card counting, Fitzy was all set to become a professional swindler.. ahem, I mean stockbroker. However, the St. Louis Rams, who just 10 years prior had been swindled into moving from America's second largest city to the middle of fucking nowhere, were magically given a random 7th round draft pick and drafted Fitzpatrick, despite draft pundits losing their minds over an Ivy League nerd being drafted into the NFL in the first place.

Expected to be a training camp body and practice squad player, Fitzpatrick swindled his head coach into letting him make the roster as the backup to Marc Bulger. By some magical strike of luck, Bulger got a bulged disc after taking a hard sack, and Fitzpatrick's number was called. Fitzy finished that game with 369 passing yards, 5 touchdowns, and 69 rushing yards, leading the Rams to improbable victory. Fitzpatrick was named the starting quarterback for the rest of the season, activating a $500,000 bonus in his contract, and proceeded to fizzle out and throw 5 interceptions per game until he got benched. But hey, still got the money, and he still became one of the first rookie QBs in history to toss for over 300 yards in their debut!

Cincinnati Bengals

With Bulger back in commission the following year and only the third-string QB position open, Fitzpatrick swindled the Rams into trading him to the Cincinnati Bengals, where he would back up Carson Palmer. By some magical strike of luck, Palmer sucked that year, as did the Bengals. Before long, Palmer's elbow became sore and almost fell off, and Fitzpatrick's number was called to prevent Palmer from completely losing his arm.

Buffalo Bills

With Palmer supposedly back in commission, Fitzy was a free agent and opted not to go back to being a backup there. He then swindled the Buffalo Bills, then run by a senile dinosaur named Ralph Wilson, into signing him and giving him his first 7-figure contract. By some magical strike of luck, Bills QB Trent Edwards, who still had PTSD from a nasty concussion the prior year, sucked ass and only threw to imaginary RBs, resulting in numerous sacks and interceptions. After Edwards got his head bonked again and after Bills WR Terrell Owens complained too much about "Captain Checkdown", Fitzpatrick's number was called. Despite head coach Dick Jauron's bland, vanilla offense causing his stats to suck even harder ass than Edwards' stats, Fitzy led Buffalo to several improbable victories and got on T.O.'s good side. Not enough to make the playoffs though.

Edwards learned a few things from Fitzpatrick and swindled new head coach Chan Gailey into giving him his starting job back the following season. However, due to missing a few crucial tips, "Checkwards" screwed himself over: firstly, he didn't get a new contract. Secondly, his "try-hard" swindling caused T.O. to leave after the season. Thirdly, due to his inferior swindling skills, he sucked so much ass that he was fired from the team after just two awful games into the 2010 season, and Fitzpatrick got the starting gig back. And kicked ass too! With fellow swindlers Stevie Johnson and Fred Jackson, two other "nobodies" who had to resort to magic and con artistry to make it to the NFL.

New York Jets

Unhappy in Houston with Bill O'Buttchin as his head coach, despite finally getting a winning season for the first time, Fitzpatrick swindled the Texans into trading him.. to the New Jersey Buttfumble, also known as the New York Jets. By some magical strike of luck, "starting QB" Geno Smith, who was already on the hotseat, decided to be a douche and tried to be a mafia boss to a fellow teammate, resulting in getting his jaw shattered by his attempted victim. The Jets saw this as an excuse to bench Smith, and Fitzpatrick's number was called.

Washington Shitskins

This was the only team in which Fitzmagic's spell was ineffective. FedEx Field is so damn cursed that not even the sexiness of Fitzpatrick could avoid the gruesome fate suffered by Joe Theismann or Alex Smith. Truly desperate, the Redski- uhh, I mean, Washington signed Fitzy to be their starting quarterback despite knowing of his flaws. Our experts at Uncyclopedia, who just so happened to also go to the Ivy League schools themselves, can verify that no magic was used in getting Fitzpatrick to sign with Washington.

Due to the curse there, Fitzy's tenure with the team was unfortunately cut short on opening day. Just when he was about to score for the first time for Washington, the evil spirits of George Preston Marshall and Daniel Snyder cockblocked Fitzpatrick so hard that his dick and hip exploded. Fortunately, due to Fitzmagic's overly masculine aura, his dick grew back, but he would never play football again.

Conclusion

Following Fitzpatrick's final downfall, criminologists finally pieced together his crime strategy:

It is said that NFL teams knew of this even before signing him (aside from geriatric Ralph Wilson and his geriatric general manager in Buffalo), but were charmed by his swindling ways anyways.

Post conman career

Since being forced to retire from his life of crime, Fitzpatrick went back to raising his massive family and teaching his kids how to use their God-given math abilities to become swindlers themselves. He also joined the biggest swindler of all, Amazon Prime Video, to swindle NFL fans out of all their money just to stream another prime time game. Can't do that without his awesome, masculine aura though.

See also

• Beard