User:Orangutang94/Ryan Fitzpatrick
 The man, the myth, the legend himself, Fitzmagic. | |
| No. 14 | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Sex machine, conman |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
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| Height: | 6' 2" |
| Weight: | 220 pounds of awesomeness |
| Career information | |
| College: | Hah-vaad |
| NFL Draft: | 2005 / Round: 7 / Pick: A mystery |
| Career history | |
| |
| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
| |
| Career NFL statistics | |
| TD-INT rate: | Yes |
| Starting QBs sent to the unemployment line: | All of them |
| Hearts won: | All of them |
| Hearts broken: | All of them |
| Playoff appearances: | 😢 |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
Ryan Joseph Fitzpatrick, also known by his alter egos "Fitzmagic", "Fitztragic", "Fitzception", "Amish Magic" or "That Harvard Guy", is a sexy, conniving, magical conman who swindled half of the teams in the National Football League of their money by pretending to be a decent quarterback. Also, did you know he went to Harvard?
Yeah me neither.
Origins[edit | edit source]
NFL conman career[edit | edit source]
St. Louis Rams[edit | edit source]
Cincinnati Bengals[edit | edit source]
Buffalo Bills[edit | edit source]
Tennessee Titans[edit | edit source]
Houston Texans[edit | edit source]
New York Jets[edit | edit source]
Tampa Bay Buccaneers[edit | edit source]
Miami Dolphins[edit | edit source]
Washington Shitskins[edit | edit source]
This was the only team in which Fitzmagic's spell was ineffective. FedEx Field is so damn cursed that not even the sexiness of Fitzpatrick could avoid the gruesome fate suffered by Joe Theismann or Alex Smith. Just when Fitzpatrick was about to score for the first time for Washington, the evil spirits of George Preston Marshall and Daniel Snyder cockblocked Fitzpatrick so hard that his dick and hip exploded. Fortunately, due to Fitzmagic's overly masculine aura, his dick grew back, but he would never play football again.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Post conman career[edit | edit source]
Since being forced to retire from his life of crime, Fitzpatrick went back to raising his massive family and teaching his kids how to use their God-given math abilities to become swindlers themselves. He also joined the biggest swindler of all, Amazon Prime Video, to swindle NFL fans out of all their money just to stream another prime time game. Can't do that without his awesome, masculine aura though.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Except the New England Patriots. Screw 'em!
