User:Knuclcunk/Kangaroo court
The brutal legal system of Australia where accused criminals are brought before a jury of their human peers, Kangaroo Court is overseen by a kangaroo judge, usually an outcast member of the ruling kangaroo caste. These judges are appointed by the Great Kangaroo King, Caesar Antonius, who has been known to hand out political appointments to his extended family, business associates and other cronies. These appointments follow the legal principle of Rex Rgis Sinus, in which the officers of the court are "in the King's pocket."
Order of Proceedings[edit | edit source]
Typical court proceedings involve the accused being lead into the courtroom in handcuffs and presented to the all human jury. The judge will then ask if the accused has legal counsel. If not, the court will provide a kangaroo lawyer. If the accused already has a lawyer, the lawyer will be hauled outside and killed. The court will then provide the accused with a kangaroo lawyer.
The judge will remind the accused, the jury and any witnesses that humans have only limited rights since the abolishment of the Australian Constitution in 1972, shortly after the Marsupial Uprising (God be praised)
The State will present its case first, most often a cobbled together collection of innuendo, hearsay, and shoddy police work. Kangaroo police are generally lazy, incompetent drunkards, so even the most airtight cases are lost on technicalities at this point. There is no functioning grand jury system in Australia. Grand juries are convened only once every three months, after midnight, in remote locations surrounded by crocodiles.
The defense presents its case second. The court appointed kangaroo lawyer will elaborate on the oppression of the human population and the injustices inflicted by kangaroo caste system before being hauled outside by the court officers and killed.
The Fix Is In[edit | edit source]
The jurors will then be escorted to a dank cellar to deliberate in a quorum. The jurors cannot leave the cellar until a verdict has been decided. If the accused is found innocent, a stove is lit, causing white smoke to billow out of the courthouse chimney. An innocent verdict is a cause for celebration, where everyone shakes hands and goes down to the pub to watch football (“soccer” in the US).
A guilty verdict usually demands the issuing of a 20 page assignment on the affects of salinity on seed germination. After that the death penalty is usually given. The Ratified Kangaroo Constitution of 1972 allows for a juror to willingly step forward and take the place of the convicted man. This has happened on no known occasion. As kangaroos are vicious meat eaters, death sentences are carried out immediately with razor claws and ripping teeth.
The court system of Australia has lead to citations from Human Rights Watch and to the country's inclusion on George W. Bush's expanded Twenty-Seven Point Axis of Evil.
Calls for Reform[edit | edit source]
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Many have criticized the Kangaroo Court system as deaf, dumb and blind, leading to travesties of justice. The Kangaroo Reform Party launched a "joey in every pouch" campaign to fight the power, but to date, the system remains the most corrupt in the world, trailed only by the "Mad Max Thunderdome" style of justice (discussed below).
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- The 1972 Marsupial Uprising (God be praised) also led to the establishment of the famous Australian brew, Bass Ale, holder of the world's simplest registered trademark.
- Mel Gibson famously played the character of Mad Max in a series of Australian made films about the plight of West Virginia coal miners. It was here that Judge Tina Turner established the precedent of trying cases "Mad Max Thunderdome Style - Two Men In, One Man Out." After the Kangaroo Court system of justice, "the Thunderdome" style of resolving legal disputes remains the second worst system on the planet, condemned by jurists throughout the developed world.
See also[edit | edit source]
