UnVoyage:Toronto
Toronto (pronounced Ta-Ran-A by locals) is the only city in Canada that people outside of Canada have heard of. Known for it's two seasons (winter and slightly less intense winter) and it's hockey team that hasn't won a championship since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Toronto is a truly cutting edge city if you are an Eskimo.
Understand[edit | edit source]
History[edit | edit source]
Toronto was forged out of the ice by the great Tim Horton in 1789 so that there could be a location for the first Tim Horton's. Two years later to commemorate the founding of a multinational chain, Tim Horton built a giant 553 metre replica of his penis on top of the first location. This replica went on to be called the "CN Tower". Later the Toronto Maple Leafs where established eventually three years later winning their first (and only) championship. And thus Toronto was born.
Talk[edit | edit source]
Theh's notin different aboot da language spoken in Tarana than there is in da USA!
Get in[edit | edit source]
To get into Toronto you must survive the "Two Trials of Pearson".
Trial #1: This trial shall test your patience by shoving you into a significantly tiny cue line with 500 people in front of you. The objective is to get to the front of the cue line in time (good luck with that).
Trial #2: You must play a game called Catch The Taxi. When you play Catch The Taxi EVERYONE LOSES HAHAHAHA!
Get around[edit | edit source]
Bus[edit | edit source]
The Bus is only used by those who have given up on life (otherwise known as Scarbarians), due to this the bus smelled like an odd blend of, vomit, piss, shit, and alcohol. Just don't take the bus.
Car[edit | edit source]
Taking the car in Toronto is a relaxing experience, you see since the traffic in Toronto is always at a standstill all you need to do is sit back and relax. What's that? You have a meeting in five minutes? well don't worry about it! I'm sure the traffic will clear up eventually.
The Hell Train[edit | edit source]
The Toronto Subway is known for taking the disadvantages of every other international subway and bundling it up into one awful package. It smells like piss and has rats in it and has very sleazy riders. And to top it all off barely goes anywhere. The Toronto Subway is also known for being what Satan based purgatory off of.
Do[edit | edit source]
Tim Horton's Penis Tower[edit | edit source]
One of the number one things to do in Toronto is to see the CN Tower (otherwise known as the Whoreton Tower). The CN Tower gives you panoramic views of Toronto's igloo farms.
Scarborough Murder Mystery Extravaganza[edit | edit source]
Organized by the police and amazing to this day, the Scarborough murder mystery extravaganza is the first murder mystery party where you are looking for a real murderer and real dead bodies. When asked to comment on this amazing event the chief of the Scarborough Police Service stated that it was fun for the whole family provided you don't get shot.
Buy[edit | edit source]
The accepted currency is double doubles from Tim Horton's.
Mediocre Chains And Horrible Restaurants You Probably Don't Want To Eat At[edit | edit source]
Tim Hortons[edit | edit source]
Tim Hortons started in 1789 and has been serving up mediocrity ever since. They serve double doubles (sugar water), half frozen hash browns (weed optional), and day old doh-nuts. And if your feeling adventurous you can go to one of many Tim Horton's/Wendy's combo restaurants to experience the original Beauty And The Beast.
Swiss Chalet[edit | edit source]
If your over 70 and like getting all the moisture sucked out of your mouth via white chicken this is the place to go to.
A Random Restaurant In Chinatown That Smells Like Meth[edit | edit source]
Don't go into the bathrooms or the "second kitchen".
Food That Actually Tastes Good[edit | edit source]
Super Sexy[edit | edit source]
Arguably Quebec's best export.
Uncle Marv's Soylent Green Emporium[edit | edit source]
It tastes like chicken.
Drink[edit | edit source]
Drink like a king who somehow settles for the most generic option possible with Molson Export and in the mornings drink Tim Horton's new octuple octuple coffee (liquid sugar in cup).
Sleep[edit | edit source]
In a cardboard box.
Stay safe[edit | edit source]
Don't go to Scarborough and your fine.
Go next[edit | edit source]
Explore the awful suburbs like Vaughan And Mississauga.
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Off the Beaten Path three wrong turns ago. |