UnVoyage:Toronto

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Yonge St.

Toronto (pronounced Ta-Ran-A by locals) is the only city in Canada that people outside of Canada have heard of. Known for it's two seasons (winter and slightly less intense winter) and it's hockey team that hasn't won a championship since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Toronto is a truly cutting edge city if you are an Eskimo.

Understand

History

Toronto was forged out of the ice by the great Tim Horton in 1789 so that there could be a location for the first Tim Horton's. Two years later to commemorate the founding of a multinational chain, Tim Horton built a giant 553 metre replica of his penis on top of the first location. This replica went on to be called the "CN Tower". Later the Toronto Maple Leafs where established eventually three years later winning their first (and only) championship. And thus Toronto was born.

Talk

This guy is always fun to talk to.

Theh's notin different aboot da language spoken in Tarana than there is in da USA!

Get in

To get into Toronto you must survive the "Two Trials of Pearson".

Trial #1: This trial shall test your patience by shoving you into a significantly tiny cue line with 500 people in front of you. The objective is to get to the front of the cue line in time (good luck with that).

Trial #2: You must play a game called Catch The Taxi. When you play Catch The Taxi EVERYONE LOSES HAHAHAHA!

Get around

Bus

The Bus is only used by those who have given up on life (otherwise known as Scarbarians), due to this the bus smelled like an odd blend of, vomit, piss, shit, and alcohol. Just don't take the bus.

Car

Taking the car in Toronto is a relaxing experience, you see since the traffic in Toronto is always at a standstill all you need to do is sit back and relax. What's that? You have a meeting in five minutes? well don't worry about it! I'm sure the traffic will clear up eventually.

The Hell Train

Be sure to check out this tourist hotspot.

The Toronto Subway is known for taking the disadvantages of every other international subway and bundling it up into one awful package. It smells like piss and has rats in it and has very sleazy riders. And to top it all off barely goes anywhere. The Toronto Subway is also known for being what Satan based purgatory off of.

Do

Tim Horton's Penis Tower

One of the number one things to do in Toronto is to see the CN Tower (otherwise known as the Whoreton Tower). The CN Tower gives you panoramic views of Toronto's igloo farms.

Scarborough Murder Mystery Extravaganza

Organized by the police and amazing to this day, the Scarborough murder mystery extravaganza is the first murder mystery party where you are looking for a real murderer and real dead bodies. When asked to comment on this amazing event the chief of the Scarborough Police Service stated that it was fun for the whole family provided you don't get shot.

Buy

The accepted currency is double doubles from Tim Horton's.

Mediocre Chains And Horrible Restaurants You Probably Don't Want To Eat At

Tim Hortons

Tim Hortons started in 1789 and has been serving up mediocrity ever since. They serve double doubles (sugar water), half frozen hash browns (weed optional), and day old doh-nuts. And if your feeling adventurous you can go to one of many Tim Horton's/Wendy's combo restaurants to experience the original Beauty And The Beast.

Swiss Chalet

Don't freak out, Toronto's got you covered.

If your over 70 and like getting all the moisture sucked out of your mouth via white chicken this is the place to go to.

A Random Restaurant In Chinatown That Smells Like Meth

Don't go into the bathrooms or the "second kitchen".

Food That Actually Tastes Good

Super Sexy

Arguably Quebec's best export.

Uncle Marv's Soylent Green Emporium

It tastes like chicken.

Drink

Drink like a king who somehow settles for the most generic option possible with Molson Export and in the mornings drink Tim Horton's new octuple octuple coffee (liquid sugar in cup).

Sleep

In a cardboard box.

Stay safe

Don't go to Scarborough and your fine.

Go next

Explore the awful suburbs like Vaughan And Mississauga.

Destroying national landmarks with tacky souvenirs and rubbish.

Canada, eh? Places: Alaska • Aquadia • Atlantis • British California • Cape Breton • Delta • Deadmonton • Florida • Manisnowba • Some Parts of Michigan • Montreal • Nouveau Brunswick • New Scotland • Northworst Territories • Celine Dion • NunavOOt • Ontariariario • Ottawa • Prince Edward Island • Québec and the City • Regina • St. Pierre and Miquelon • Sasquatchewan • Sasquatchatoon • Saudi Oilberta • Surrey • Toronto • Vancouver • The Territory of Yukon Territory Culture: Air Canada • CBC • Canadian Bacon • beer • Cougars • Killer moose • Caribou • Colour • FLQ • Hockey • Silly football • Ice bowling • Poutine • Ram Ranch • Sheep made out of snow • Studebaker Lark • Timmies • My sojourn • People who, like, live in igloos eh? • Canadians: A Retrospective People: Alanis • Avril • Bieber • Bigfoot • Caillou • Deadpool • Drake • Kris Wu • Jack Black • Mickey Mouse • Rodney McKay • Rush • Peter North • Scott Pilgrim • Someone you may have heard of, only for a couple of years • The Weeknd • Van Buren • Vic Toews Politics: A Day in the Life of the Prime Minister • Conservative Party of Canada • Conservative Reform Alliance Party • Liberal Party of Canada • New Democratic Party • Communist Party of Canada • Canadian Elections • Canadian Constitutional Law • Canada-US relations • We stand on guard for thee Prime Ministers: Abbott • Borden • Campbell • Chrétien • Clark • Diefenbaker • Harper • King • Laurier • Martin • Meighen • Mulroney • Pearson • Thompson • P. Trudeau