Strong Bad
“I am going to check my email.”
“Stwongbayd!”
Strong Bad (born October 31, 1915) a.k.a. 'The Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Strong Bad is one of the most notable and prolific singer/songwriters, interpretive dancers, video game developers, male stripper, and astrophysicists of the modern age as well as a well-renowned skydiver extraordinaire, email-checker, and boxcar racer. He is well known for his perpetually burnt face, the boxing gloves he never takes off and his flagrant disregard for moral standards with his consistent use of the word "crap" in his work. His music encompasses a wide range of genres - everything from digi-folk to classical thrash.
Though his early work is among some of the most well-known and critically acclaimed work of all time, he has rejected his early career as "total crap". His most popular and critically acclaimed work - an epic 22 minute song about a person named Sibby (aptly named Song About Sibby) - spent 57 weeks at the top of the billboard charts. Song about Sibby famously outsold the second best selling record of 1989, Bible: The Audio Book, by a ratio of 2 to 1 but was knocked off the #1 spot by Vanilla Ice's masterpiece - Ice Ice Baby. He now lives a solitary and secluded life as a cranky old Jewish man in the south of Florida. He spends most of his time sending cruel and demeaning e-mails to his former fans on his brand new computer. He has publicly stated that in his old age he only writes for himself or, occasionally, "the ladies".
Biography[edit | edit source]
The Early Years[edit | edit source]
Strong Samuel Jackson Horatio "Diamond Baby" Vaquez was born in Parts Unknown, USA into a family of traveling circus freak. His mother was a bearded lady and sword swallower while his father was a contortionist and fire eater, making his conception a unique sight to behold. Just after he was born his oldest brother, Strong Mad, stuck his baby brother in a microwave in a fit of steroid induced jealousy and rage. This microwaving incident left Strong Bad's face horribly disfigured and perpetually burnt. It is a little known fact that this event is also the first instance of the use of the word "fhwqgads" - it is reported that Strong Bad screamed the word as he was being blasted with the horrible, horrible microwaves. His brother was incarcerated for five years because of the incident, but the two later reunited and even sung a hip-hop duet together entitled "I Stuck My Brother In a Microwave Leaving Him Horribly Disfigured for the Rest of His Life and Causing Him to Scream Fhwqgads". Somehow this song won a grammy for Best Rock Album.
His mother died suddenly when he was just five years old, (she choked on her own beard during a performance), leading the young Strong Bad to turn to music to soothe his sorrow. Strong Bad also became interested in video games around this time and had to make a tough career choice early in life - whether to become a pro gamer or making a living from his music. The decision was basically made for him, however, when his crappy first generation Playstation 2 broke down suddenly. He also felt that gaming did not help him in his pursuit of "the ladies".
To further his musical aspirations Strong Bad moved away from his circus freak family when he was just 15. He studied under Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch School for Music. He stated in interviews during the early part of his career that he could relate to Jackson and his style because "his face was just as deformed as mine was". He later supported Michael Jackson when Jackson was taken to court on paedophilia charges. He later withdrew his support, however, amidst allegations that he too enjoyed the company of children and was just trying to have the childhood he'd never been able to have. The first song Strong Bad ever wrote - a hardcore metal/bubblegum pop song entitled "Touched Me Twice" - is reputed to be about his experiences with Michael Jackson; the song appeared on his indie label debut album, I'll Give You Candy, which had a limited release of 500 copies and was only released on wax cylinders. The album was a critical success. It has a 100% Fresh Rating on Rotten Potatoes, with one positive review out of one. The album gained Strong Bad an underground following, with the majority of fans being mole people and sewer rats.
Underground Success[edit | edit source]
After the success of his bubble-thrash-gummy-pop record, Strong Bad decided he wanted to go in a completely different direction, just to piss of the fans. While masturbating in his basement one fine Christmas morning (how he masturbates successfully with boxing gloves on is still unknown), Strong Bad discovered a totally new sound. This innovative sound would cum to be known as "the slap slap slap". Going into business for himself and promoting his own records, Strong Bad continued his underground success. His EP entitled The Sound of Me Masturbating sold 20,000 cassettes. However this continuing underground success took a sour turn when Strong Bad's fellow underground musician friends, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, stole his style of music. They went on to become one of the most successful rock groups of all time, while Strong Bad was left hurt, alone and without a style to call his own. Publicly Strong Bad remained philosophical stating in interviews, "I play sweet, sweet music with myself and by myself in my basement, in front of my computer, for my own enjoyment". Privately, however, he became more and more determined to break into the mainstream music business. He began devoting all of his time to learning how to play and write an eclectic mix of musical styles.
During this time Strong Bad also began to receive fan e-mails. As a reply, Strong Bad would send back amazingly witty, sarcastic or humorous single sentence insults or anecdotes such as:
- I had intercourse with your mother.
- You smell horrible.
- I punched Homestar in the guts today.
- Your face looks like a crap.
This was the genesis of what would later become Strong Bad Emails.
Mainstream Success: Piece of Crap, Tr0gdoR!!!11! and Song About Sibby[edit | edit source]
After a 22 and 3/4 years hiatus which lasted about 22 years and 9 months, Strong Bad began working on a follow up to Sound of Me Masturbating. Taking two days to write, record, mix and release the aptly named Piece of Crap became Strong Bad's most successful album and was widely hailed as the greatest album of all time by the majority of retarded teenagers. Critics and other music snobs and douchebags, on the other hand, were less enthusiastic about the record. As one critic from Kerrang put it "Listening to this album is like eating Paul McCartney's poop. It seems alright at the start because you know it was created by a great songwriter and musician. But then you realize... you're eating poop."
Despite the critical panning, the album debuted at #2 on the charts and reached #1 by it's second week. It ended up selling in excess of 22 million copies becoming one of the highest selling albums ever.
The success of PoC (as it was dubbed by the retarded teenagers who bought it) was the start of a meteoric rise for Strong Bad. The first single off the album, the electro-punk/screamabilly ballad Tr0gdoR!!!11!, became an instant hit. Due, in part, to it's amazing 20 minute long music video which cost $50 million to produce, the song reached number one in over 107 countries including Sweden and Bahrain. It was used as the title music for a semi-successful teen oriented dramatic television series in the U.S. which nobody can remember the name of now. As a result of the songs success the word "burninating" also became part of the cultural lexicon, often being used as a replacement for the word fucking, as in the sentence "I was burninating that peasant so hard that it hurt.".
However, Strong Bad's real success was yet to come. The second single off Piece of Crap turned out to be one of the greatest songs of all time. Produced by the highly acclaimed producer Timbaland and containing more uses of the word "eh" than any other song in history, Song About Sibby, an epic 22 minutes of dubstep and drum n' bass laced with pop-rock undertones, became the highest selling single in history. Although some of Strong Bad's greatest enemies, including Strong Sad, use the fact that each single sold contained a free ecstacy tablet to explain the success of the song, some people say that it was just "the right song at the right time". Another excellent music video, this one with Strong Bad shaking his "groove thang" in slow motion for the full 22 minutes, helped SAS (another douchey abbreviation used by douchey teenagers) stay at number one on the charts for 57 weeks before being knocked of by a very worthy competitor to it's crown - Ice Ice Baby.
During this brief period of Strong-Bad-mania, Strong Bad became somewhat of a cultural touchstone. He made cameo appearances on T.V. shows such as South Park (pictured), Married... with Children and The Price is Right. Strong Bad released his own series of educational VHS tapes teaching people how to draw crappy S-shaped dragons using outdated and simplistic methods, with sexy results. He also released a series of "home workout" tapes, which were mainly just videos of him masturbating but were highly popular with the 15-24 year old male demographic. He appeared in advertisements for both Pepsi and Coca-Cola and also became a spokesperson for laxatives, using the famous catchphrase "A Piece of Crap... Just Do IT!". The media became so saturated with his image that Time voted him man of the year for 1992.
Current Life[edit | edit source]
SBemails[edit | edit source]
Strong Bad now lives a solitary and secluded life as a cranky old Jewish man in the small South Florida town of StrongBadia. He spends most of his time sending cruel and demeaning e-mails to his former fans on his severely dated computer. He has answered many SBemails in his time, over 3,000 in fact. He will often fill these email's up with invisible links, pop culture references and over exaggerated stories of his numerous sexual escapades with cranky old Jewish women. All of these e-mails have been leaked on to the interweb and are available for viewing wherever good e-mails are sold.
Back a long time ago when SB still had his Tandy 400, he answered an email known as "Sisters". His Tandy was jacking up, and he accidentally deleted an email which a girl, Ali, had sent him about her and her sister. Another very insulting SBemail popped up. He tried to delete it but the Tandy saved it, forever. He has stated that, contrary to popular belief, this is not the closest he has ever been to a threesome. His threesome virginity was lost in an accident which occurred when he, The Cheat and Homestar Runner were forced to share a bed for an art film Strong Sad was directing.
On December 15, 2008, police investigated a report of sexual abuse. Strong Bad was charged with sodomy, buggery, adultery and colonoscopy. He appealed on the grounds that he is a celebrity and that most of the colonoscopy was consensual. He has spent the last 11 months in Jail, spending most of his time "dropping the soap. This is one reason for a lack of leaked SBemails in the past year.
Current or Future Artistic Efforts[edit | edit source]
He has not released any music since Piece of Crap, although he did write and produce the highly successful rock-opera SBemails, which was based on his own personal experiences of being a cranky old Jewish man writing emails.
He has written a series of text adventure games, which are quite popular with fans of his e-mails. These games are well known for their difficulty and their innovative use of just a single dungeon.
Some demos which are claimed to be works off of an upcoming Strong Bad album have been leaked to the internet. There is no proof, however, that these demos were recorded by Strong Bad or that they even exist. These demos include:
- Your Head Asplode - Probably the most well known of the fabled "SBdemos". A 30 second techno song which consists entirely of "rapper" T-Pain yelling "Your Head Asplode", with heavy use of Auto-Tune.
- Everybody To the Limit - written by Strong Bad, with Strong Bad, for Strong Bad - a controversial move which was revealed in the press, causing Strong Bad to distance himself from himself.
- The System Is Down - a lackluster attempt at covering a well-known song, which can not be mentioned for legal reasons. This song was banned from everywhere, including the internet, due to 9/11 and a court incident with System of a Down. It has a devoted cult following.
- Pop-Up Book Of My Dreams - A song written about Strong Bads uncle, who used to molest him by putting his penis through a hole in a pop up book and making Strong Bad touch it.
- Smells Like Teen Poopsmith - Although this song seems to be written about Strong Bad's neighborhood poopsmith, The Poopsmith, internet nerds often debate over whether this is actually a Strong Bad demo. The consensus is that this is a misattribution and that it is probably a Weird Al Yankovich song.
- Wamp Wamp (What It Do Remix) Clipse featuring Strong Bad - Strong Bad's first rap song was not a huge hit but made it to #47 on the leaked demo charts. Unofficial national anthem in Gayland.
- StrongBadia National Anthem - A ripoff of Stars and Stripes Forever, which literally goes on forever.
There has been no word yet as to whether there will ever be another Strong Bad album. The public has been assured, however, that "if there is another Strong Bad album, it will be a piece of complete and utter crap."
Strong Bad wears adult diapers, but he is still the man. This has nothing to do with music but seems like vital info which needs to go somewhere.
Family Life[edit | edit source]
Strong Bad is currently married with three spouses and five or seven daughters and a dog who will remain anonymous. He is currently in a homosexual relationship with the Cheat, as was rumored in People magazine. Stong Sad is now in the hospital for the rest of his life after being run over by a truck and somehow survived. It is unknown what happened to Strong Mad.
Competition[edit | edit source]
Strong Bad has a huge competition out there. Primarily, a certain ninja likes to answer emails that have anything to do with ninjas, so he pretty much steals Strong Bad's opportunity to be a ninja. Some weirdo named Maybe Bob is attempting to steal his business as well, but there is no hope there, since Strong Bad has mastered the art of typing with boxing gloves and creating DOS programs that check email, two things Maybe Bob will never accomplish.
Neighbors[edit | edit source]
Senor Cardgage[edit | edit source]
Senor Cardgage is allegedly the creepy man who lived down the street from Strong Bad and his brothers when they were little, although Police reports confirm that this was an alias used by Strong Bad at the time. For this crime - specifically branded a hate crime under the "laws against degrading paedos" act (2000), Strong Bad was thrown in jail, where he inbred with himself to produce hideous offspring Adolf Hitler, Adolf Hitler, and George Clooney.
Death[edit | edit source]
After the war, Strong Bad returned to his summer home in south Canada with his wife of three years, Bear Holding a Shark. There, they lived out the rest of their days peacefully. Strong Bad lived a relativity low-profile life until he was crushed by a Lamborghini hot tub filled with hundred-million dollar bills on January 31, 20X6. This is arguably the coolest way to die ever. Stinko Man, the only witness to Strong Bad's tragic death, had this to say;
“I do believe that hot tub was asking for some sort of messed up, Strong-Bad-killing CHALLAAANNNGGGEEE. ”
The intentions of the hot tub remain a mystery. As of October 2011, the hottub has yet to be brought in for questioning by the police and it's whereabout are still unknown. Many have speculated the hottub changed it's name to Oscar Wilde and skipped town with Original Bubs.
Favorite Things to Do[edit | edit source]
Delete your emails. As all cool people do, Strong Bad aims to leave his job, wife and kids and play World of Warcraft until his benefits dry up and he is forced to live like a normal person again. His ability to a splode baddies may come in useful.