Nebraska Nazis

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The Nebraska Nazis are an American Football team in the NFL (National Football League). They are members of the American Football Conference and compete in the AFC North Division.

History[edit | edit source]


The Nazis were founded in 1970 and were originally a member of the United States Football League, an expansion league founded by a constipated group of elite investors who thought they could compete with the established National Football League. In the USFL the team was originally known as the Orlando Flamingos and their colors were pink, black, and white. They won the USFL's championship, the Toilet Bowl against the San Frisco/San Jose/Purple Bay Gays, in 1973, not that anyone gave a damn since the NFL's Super Bowl was the American football championship that Americans really worshiped and was widely considered the real game, the one where you do all the tailgating, barbecuing, and wife beating.

The Flamingos moved around like a bunch of Gypsies they were. In 1974, they became the Orange County Whites but pushed out in 1975 when Black people, Vietnamese people and Mexican people appeared to moved in and "there goes the neighborhood". In 1975, they were the Arizona Wetbacks in the Tostitos Salsa Bowl where the team had a 0-14 season (even worse than the 0-13-1 in Orange County) and in 1976, they were the Kentucky Klansmen with the Confederate flag logo on the helmets except they lost the All-American Bowl to the Oakland Black Panthers in a stunning 72-7 defeat. A race riot broke out in the streets, and there were fist fights in every Black Panther nation bar, NAACP event, and every fried chicken sales stand as a result.

In 1977, the team moved yet again when a group of Omaha ethanol businessmen Abraham Goldman, Isaac Steinberg and Ruben Weiner purchased the hapless Klansmen and made their new home in the Redneck bowl in Lincoln. The team owners wanted an ethnic-themed name to honor the region's German heritage, and their typical need to "shock and awe" instead of being called "The Kansas City, Missouri Kansans of Omaha based in Lincoln with an office at Des Moines in the middle of fucking Iowa" (what a mouthful), they went ahead and became the Kansas Krauts. That year they improved, but lost to the North American conference championship against the "All Green" Boston Micks who defeated the New Ireland Orangemen (Harvard, Conn.) in the WASP bowl.

Those Smart and clever Jews proved they knew how to run a team, and in 1978 the team was 15-0 and won the Disco Ball '78 against the Alabama Afros. The next year they defeated the New Joisey Jews at the Brooklyn Matzo Ball and then won two more championships: The 1980 Stupor Bowl in Tulsa, Oklahoma, defeating the Utah Mormons. In 1981 they won the Crystal Meth Bowl in Los Angeles against the Buffalo Dollar Bills in their fourth straight NFL championship victory, making the snobs in the NFL began to take the USFL VERY seriously.

The Now[edit | edit source]

The team joined the NFL in 1982 when the NFL and USFL merged. Commissioner Rozelle allowed them to join under the condition that they dump their faggot mascot and uniforms and come up with something more macho that was more fitting of the psycho and violent fans of the NFL. Team owner Zeek Aisle Schicklegruber chose to rename the team the Nazis and had the uniforms redesigned to reflect the change. In 1982, the Nazis were this close to beating the San Francisco Boring Whiners in the NFC Championship. In 1983, same thing happened with the Dallas Roping Injuns Boys and soon the Nazis' fans ran out of the stands not to celebrate but to chase the Nazis off the field in typical blue-collar white-trash red-neck fervor.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

Immediately upon their entrance into the league and their name and logo change, the franchise was plagued by controversy. Detractors complained about the team's violent image, branding it racist and unbecoming of the wholesome American values the NFL was sworn to uphold in the likes of teams such as the Kansas City Chiefs and Washington Redskins that brand Native Americans as bloodthirsty savages as you see portrayed in wholesome all American John Wayne movies. Part team owners David Duke and Mark Fuhrman threatened to move the team to L.A. where they would be glad to have a NFL team, but failed to land a deal like usual.

The American Civil Liberties Union represented the Nazis and the baseball team, the Birmingham Niggers, in three separate court cases, claiming their fans have the free speech right to wear Hitler Mustaches and do Nazi salutes. In 2007, the Nazis temporarily went politically correct to adopt a new team nickname The Nebraska Huns but had a huge upset at the conference playoff when they lost to the Milwaukee Polish Slavic Sausages 99 to 0. With the support of ACLU lawyers, they went back to being Nazis for the 2008 season like it "never happened"(see also Holocaust denial and revisionist history).

Championships[edit | edit source]

However, the team pressed on despite criticism and made it to the Super Bowl for the first time in 1987 where they defeated the Nah Orlean' Saints 2 to 0, the lowest scoring Super Bowl in NFL history and the only one decided by a safety in triple overtime. The overall record in the 1980s was 88-14, while in 1989 they were 23-16 and in the World League of Football in the Sprout Bowl in Brussels to defeat the East Berlin Commies in a whopping score of 6 million dead to 46 years. Excited neo-Nazis and skinheads got the rush to "tear down this wall".

The team returned to the Super Bowl in 1994 (strike year) defeating the San Francisco 69ers 87 to 3 in a stunning come-from-behind victory. The 69ers lead the game 3 to 0 through the first three quarters before the Nazis exploded with 87 points in the 4th quarter. The team was plagued by more controversy stemming from Coach Goebels' choice to kick a field goal with only three seconds left in the game when they were already ahead 84 to 3. The 69ers' yellow triangle and six-sided star logos were cursed by fans as bad luck.

In 2001, they could won another one for the "gipper" at Super Bowl XYZ in New York City, New York Island, New York State against the 69ers (who kept renaming themselves as trendy they are: Hippies, Yippies, Yuppies, Gippers, Nips, Chinks, Gooks or the Yellowmen) but the 9/11 attacks by those allah-awful Detroit Ah-rabes (formerly Michigan Moslems) fans occurred and the whole thing was cancelled. This stirred a strong patriotic fervor among Americans fans and in 2002, the team defeated the Fargo Americans (was the Winnipeg Canadians) in the retro All-American bowl 88 to 2. The team's mascot was a lynched Monkey: the Prophet Mohammed.