Delta Goodrem
Delta Goodrum is the unfortunate living proof that in Australia, if they suck up to the media hard enough, any talentless bag of shit can become the media's "Golden Girl". Delta Goodrum started off as another soon-to-be-forgotten actor on a drama-orientated television show that would have been put out of its misery back in the 1980s when someone actually cared what was in syndication. Then she decided that because there were probably 10 to 20 12 year olds at this point that might recognize her from the show she was on, this was a good time to attempt a switch to a music career. Delta released her first album, "Using what little fame I have to try and break into the music biz", not long after. It sold 12 copies. Delta was told to "get fucked" by the record company, saying there is no way this kind of shit could be marketable, unless she one day gained enough media attention that they could market even sounds of Delta's ass squirting diarrhoea into the microphone. She took them at their word, and this is exactly what happened.
How a talentless hack becomes a MEDIA star[edit | edit source]
"GOOD ON YA SON" to whoever threw that turd. You could have put your arm out or strained a muscle doing that! So, THANKS for being a true blue AUSSIE BATTLER and a HERO TO THE NATION; thanks for being a REAL fucking Australian and just doing what is right, no matter the risks that are taken to do so! You're a fucking champion, and fuck whatever Tracy Grimshaw thinks about it.
After Delta's first album went down the toilet and fell into the category of semi-celebrities who think they can get extra money by claiming they can sing, her dreams of being a major "Rock star" fell apart, forcing her to pack away the "Sing Star" equipment back into its box and spend the next little while sitting around pouting that her video-game-induced fantasy was destroyed... a state in which in a fair world, it would have remained.
Delta then had to try and figure out another way to make money without actually doing anything. She came up with an idea to try and create for herself the world s longest nipples. She had attached a penis pump to her tit and was jumping up and down on the pump handle, when her nipples reached maximum length and one of them popped. She rushed down to the hospital and Doctors could not work out what the hell she had done to herself. Even though she was in uncontrollable pain, she was still trying to blurt out, "CALL GUINNESS".
In a convenient twist, a reporter happened to be on the scene. While waiting to interview a man in intensive care who might be able to explain why it was not his alcohol level reading of 4.3 that caused the effect of his car hitting a curb at high speed and bouncing off 12 parked cars, the reporter noticed Delta was in the bed next to that person. Having nothing better to do, she asked the ex-semi-celebrity-no-talent-bimbo why she was interred in the hospital. Delta was too embarrassed to admit the truth that her nipple exploded due to over pumping it with a male penile enhancement device, so she told the reporter instead, "I have breast cancer, wanna see it?"
This was all it took for Delta's story to be rammed down the throat of every fucking Australian watching TV or reading Newspapers at the time. Headlines read things like; "Poor Delta", "Good luck Delta", "Australia is rooting for you, Delta" instead of more logical headlines like, "Who the fuck is Delta?", "What kind of stupid name is Delta?" & "Dumb Bitch Blows Her Tit Off". It wasn't long before the typical sickening words of the Australian media began to use words like "Our Delta" & "Aussie Battler" and sentences ending in "Good On Ya Delta". Once that sort of talk, especially with sentence formation that makes the average Australian wanna puke and punch a puppy, comes along, it is obvious the little cunt has become the media's little princess, and she will be forced in your face, no matter if you like it or not.
Oh, Shit. Here we go with another fucking Nicole[edit | edit source]
Delta was now an official "media princess", part of the club reserved for the media to pay as much attention to as possible, while the real people of the world continue their day to day lives not giving a shit. It was already bad enough that reporters where calling Nicole Kidman the latest "Aussie Battler" for surviving her divorce to Tom Cruise, but now Australia had to put up with hearing about this fucking Delta thing. Even though the truth behind the matter was there was possibly a one in a bafuckingjillion chance she would not pull through the operation to sew her tit back up, it did not stop the media from melodramatically reporting on the story each day, like someone might actually think, "Oh, it's better to care about this bitch I don't know instead of worrying about my actual family who really are dying of incurable diseases, but the media couldn't give a flying fuck about them, because they haven't been seen on TV before."
Once Delta was out of hospital from her minor surgery, she was greeted by the tears of joyful fans; with smiles and tears because they would become the fan of a turd in a cape if it was shown on TV. Delta was now a national hero for doing what millions of other people have done before. She even officially stopped being referred to by her second name, and just referred to as "Delta"... just like "Our Nicole", "Our Kathy" etc, like they are the only fucking person to have ever existed who is known by that name.
Of coarse, this kind of media exposure would guarantee that Delta Goodrum's next album release would go platinum. Real music lovers where already puking when reports wasted their time with headlines saying, "Delta Goodrum's album is #1, even though it hasn't even been recorded yet". The album came out and yes, it did go to #1 and contained such classics hits as... ummm... hmmmm... why can't we name any? If an album goes to #1, shouldn't we be able to name the hit song/s? Hell, why can't we even remember the title of the album?
Hating Delta Goodrum[edit | edit source]
After all this undeserved media attention, it was not long before the unavoidable tragedy would be cast upon Australians; that's right, Delta was given the lead role in a movie. The movie was given a good name, "Hating Delta Goodrum," but did not fulfil the wider audience's desire to see her get killed in the movie. Unfortunately, it just contains a done-to-death plot of a girl who is jealous of the more popular girl, but by the end of the movie they become the best of friends forever. The movie was given 5 of 5 stars by the media, since Delta could just as soon be filmed scratching her arse and sniffing it and a bunch of stupid fucks would want to bottle the smell, clone and release it as a fragrance called "Delta," sold for $289.95 a bottle exclusively to MYER until they realized they produced 6 million bottles nobody wants and end up shipping them off to collect dust at the Reject Shop for $3.99 a bottle.
The rest of Australia deemed the movie "Not worth shitting on".
The real Australian viewers said the movie was like watching a bad episode of "Skippy The Bush Kangraroo" with no god damn Kangaroo in it. The acting was as bad as "Prisoner", the script was written by baboons, and the actors' tits where all too flat to even gain semi-interest from teenage boys who would flock to such a movie had it had boobs. Not being old enough to buy porno magazines, their mommies also installed "net-nanny," and SBS was showing South Park that night, so no world-class cinema screening of "Le Cannot Understand Ze Movie, But Contain Nudity for Le Pervert" was available.
Delta Now[edit | edit source]
Delta: "I caught it from sleeping with Rove McManus
Delta's career as a musician is dead. And good riddance. Her 15 minutes of fame ended, and Australia's media whores have moved onto the next big thing that the average person couldn't give a flying fuck about.
Disaster struck tho in 2014 when Delta was now seen hosting "Get-a-Way," which unfortunately is not a double meaning. Some fuckwit gave her money to go vacation around the world and smile into the camera crapping on about how lovely Hawaii is, and that you should go there. This has the effect of causing most Australians seeing this to roll their eyes and scream, "FUCKIN' DERR", then change the channel. But disgusted viewers even more that this was during an economical crisis and if anyone's to be seen on tv in a 2 peice bikini, they better have tits like Katrina Roundtree and not some has-been that 11 year old boys could fill out the bathers with bigger tits and a more pervacious arse.
Delta Now, Now[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately we spoke too soon regarding what was said in "Delta Now". Channel 9 Australia decided to rip off "American Idol" by changing the conditions to where the judges are the mentor of the victims of future 15 minutes of fame stardom. "The Voice", which is a reference to the #1 most overplayed song on Australian radio, "You're The Voice" by John Farnham is not worthy of the title, as even John Farnham himself refused to be a part of this god-awful shit show that Channel 9 had come up with to ram down peoples throats as some form of spastic entertainment for the retarded.
The show has 4 judges on the panel, one being Seal; that guy who wrote "Pissing In A Rose Garden" a million years ago and looks like a heard of porcupines gang-raped his face. A guy who no one in Australia actually knows the name of, but refer to him as "That guy who married that overrated cunt Nicole Kidman". Some fag from a punk band who thinks he is the shit, unaware that "punk" bands consist of 0.0% talent. And of coarse, without the need of a drum roll, as no surprise will be found here, the dull and boring 4th judge, Delta.
Delta has now realized she is just an Australian media whore who Australia has no musical respect for, and that she is an overrated hack. Australia could not stop laughing for a whole fortnight when each contestant on the beginning of The Voice avoided choosing to be on Delta's team. Such hilarity had not been seen on TV since Danni Minogue was announced to be a judge on "Australia's Got Talent". Just like Danni, no one in Australia can even name a single Delta Goodrem song, so it was hilarious as all fuck to see Delta sitting around pouting on live T.V that even unknown talentless hacks want nothing to do with her.
During the time of the first 3 airings of The Voice, Australian dry cleaning bills reached an all-time high. Chinese laundromats and Koreandry-cleaning services made over 74.9 billion dollars between the 15th of April to the 2nd of May! Never had their been so many pissed pants needing to be cleaned from laughing so hard in Australian history! Guinness World Records stated that the event had 12.8 million more urine related soaked undies then that time when that whore intern said she kept the semen stained dress when she blew her boss in the oral office.
The hilarity came from Delta rejecting a contestant by saying they had no idea what it was like to do the hard knocks in the Australian music industry and be on the road touring hard to make a name for yourself. Audiences just roared in laughter at Delta and reminded her that she doesn't know what hard knocks are either, she got to where she is because her booby went boom in a dumbarse act involving a crack tube and a bicycle pump.
Eventually Delta was kicked off the show because Australians where tired of her delusional lies, and also couldnt stand seeing her look like a fucking retard behind an oversized giant piano every Carols By Candlelight pretending she has what it takes to compete against the likes of The Wiggles and re-runs of Burkes Backyard.
Hopefully the Australian media doesn't become desperate to fill in a spot on television and need a forgotten Australian persona to fill in at the drop of a hat. Delta will now be passed on even openings of a letter in future to take her rightful place in society where she belongs asking customers "Would you like fries with that?"
