Adam Gilchrist
“I have seen more ass than a porn star”
Adam Craig Gilchrist, AM (born 14 November 1971), nicknamed "Gilly" or "Churchy", is a Australian former international cricketer and living deity. He can extract 8 octaves from four different species of cricket. He is also a batsman and has named and catalogued (but, interestingly, not discovered) more species of bats than anyone else.
To further add to the confusion Adam Gilchrist also hits small red leather objects of diamond-like hardness about large open grassed areas for a living. His skill at this is regarded as "High" or in DND parlance +8 or as we Ingsoccers like to say doubleplusgood. He is famous as the only man to hit a cricket ball so hard that he struck oil - though 148 women have done so (probably while "multitasking"). His batting technique has been likened to hitting the ball "upstyle."
He is noted in cricket as a "walker". And can be seen performing this complex feat of bi-pedal locomotion when he feels it proper or when prompted by a strange green man made of light who perches atop poles on street corners.
He has great difficulty playing musical instruments he has never seen or that might not exist (see below).
Wicket collection[edit | edit source]
Mr Gilchrist is also a gifted wicket keeper. He receives his gifts mainly on December 25th and on his birthday April the 14th of November. As a wicket keeper he has the largest collection of wickets in the known world - nearly 400, many of which in some way involved Warnie.
Only abstract physics could describe what would happen if Adam Gilchrist and Andrew Symonds drew bats against each other. If there was some kind of deathmatch between Mahendra Dhoni, Andrew Symonds, Adam Gilchrist, Gary Sobers, Shahid Afridi, Chris Cairns and Kevin Pietersen no one has the faintest idea who would win, the only certainly is that a strange force only measurable in Benaud units would be produced. The force would likely rate a 'superb' or perhaps the rarer 'tremendous'. These are just two on the famous Benaud scale which is used to measure levels of 'Play' (the least being 'average' and the greatest being 'marvelous' - marvelous having only been recorded once when The Don returned from the dead and raised his career average to 99.999999999).
Cricket Playing[edit | edit source]
Mr Gilchrist's most common saying is "Bowling Shane-o" which he is heard to utter after any repetitive event takes place. On one occasion he is reported to have muttered the phrase after beat on a Kraftwerk record. It is part of his complex obsessive compulsive make-up which includes a compulsion to hit things when he is standing up and a compulsion to catch them if he is in any other position.
Adam Gilchrist is only a slightly lesser bowler than he is wicket-keeper. He can bowl with both hands, including the rarely seen hand 'Cronje', and bowl in any style (including Tiger-Crane). His fastest ever ball was clocked at 100 miles per hour and his slowest ball actually travels slower than the speed of entropy - thus attaining Stealth Spin (something only he, Murali and Warnie can do - though Murali's methods of coercing the ball to travel at sub-entropic speeds are suspect due to his fangled arm).
Gilchrist has been known to bowl an over of progressively slower Stealth Spin balls before the game and when they finally do re-enter normal space-time later in the match (on contact with the pitch, bat or wicket) he catches them getting the baffled batsman out or Gilchrist claims they are responsible for the "mystery nicks" his amazing hearing alone can detect (Maybe the size of his ears has something to do with this). His and Warnie's mastery of this art form, as keeper and bowler respectively, is the actual reason the Australian Cricket Team is unbeatable whenever they have enough time to prepare.
Because he is so phenomenally great at wicket-keeping (collecting, collating, cataloguing and so on) he has never bowled at competitive levels.
Gilchrist wears gloves to hide a shocking case of "gigantic hand" syndrome. For some less laid back religions a large hand is a sign of abomination. For a man with hands as large as Mr Gilchrist's failure to wear gloves will result in mass religious genocide. Or in the case of English ashes tour regicide.
There was some question as to Adams sexuality, actually the entire Australian cricket teams sexuality. However all doubts that Adam was gay were expelled when Australia won the Ashes. After the match the entire team went to the hotel to have a celebration orgy, except for Shane Warne who was too busy texting.
Eye Colour[edit | edit source]
Much like the majestic Sarus Crane or perhaps the lolling Hippopotamus Adam Gilchrist is a mammal. He is warm blooded and is omnivorous. Omnivores can eat anything they like provided it is edible. Therefore Adam Gilchrist cannot eat plastic or methane. Only one cricket player is universalivorous and that is the famed Inzamam ul-Haq. ul-Haq ate that Cornish Game hen Brick talks about at the end of Anchorman. Anchors are made from steel and Mr Gilcrhist has a steely gaze. This is because his eyes are grey.
Ears[edit | edit source]
Gilchrist's skill in catching bats is aided by his huge ears which resemble a bat's wings - he can flap them about in a manner similar to the mating dance of several species. Impressive though they are, his ears do not aid his ability to levitate, which, fittingly, is non-existent.
His ears are also a source of his awesome-powa when batting (er ... the type that involves a cricket bat, but not the type of cricket bat used in the capture of critters like the cricket and the bat, Wisden might disagree citing several obscure historical references but we are talking about hitting cricket balls (the red leather type (though they can also be white)) with a lump of willow not a ball made of crickets). Through precisely angling his ears Gilchrist can channel the energy of the wind and sun to produce and store Qi for use when playing a stroke. However if the energy build-up is not released in time , a rend in the time/space continuum occurs and he disappears up his own arse!
Fun Facts[edit | edit source]
- Despite his inability to play almost all musical instruments - extant or not - Adam Gilchrist is the lead singer of Adam Ant. So I'spose he can play the 'voice'.
- His nickname is Adam.
- Like all wicketkeepers named Adam Gilchrist he is made of Adamantium.
- Though his batting average is a lowly 79 his strike rate in certain one day games is so extraordinary that it can only be expressed as a power function of an irrational number - Tony Greig and Bill Lawry are baffled by this and revert to a stream of commentary catch-phrases, Richie Benaud understands (he is a gifted statistician, calculating all sorts of cricket stats in his head from his own meticulous memory records) but knows his co-commentators couldn't understand. This last bit probably belongs on the Richie Benaud page.
- Adam Gilchrist pays lip-service to Husseyism but worships Warne.
- Adam Gilchrist's star sign is the Bat and he was born in the Year of the Year (on April the 14th of November).
- Gilchrist was not a contestant on the fourth season of "Dancing with the Stars". When not questioned on this he did not respond, sparking further apathy and confusion.
- Adam Gilchrist is not a Thursday Vampire (i.e. one who becomes a vampire on Thursdays).
- His nickname is also Gilly - and is thus related to Gilly of Gilligan's Island. Unlike that Gilly this Gilly is a yachtsman of some note (likely between G Flat and F Sharp).
- Despite non-existent rumours Adam Gilchrist is not a lady, can count higher than "purple backwards" and does not have a phobia of butter.
- Robert Patrick is rumoured to be starring as Adam Gilchrist in the upcoming film version of The Ashes.
- After many years of practice Gilchrist is now ranked World Number 6 for "Brawwdust Strahyun Akksent". His "Oh bowling, Shane" is especially nasal and saw-toothed.
- Some people think the Biblical connotations in his name i.e. 'Adam', 'Christ', 'Gil' are a missing piece of the Michaelangelo Puzzle (much like the Da Vinci Code but involving a Zeppelin race).
- He has been approached by the Boston Red Sox and asked to play baseball after his cricketing career ends. He expressed interest in the prospect since he will be paid more money even though he has to stand around and do nothing considerably more. He has asked if shortstop is like "wicket-keeper" but has yet to receive an answer because no one can understand both Baseball and Cricket simultaneously.
- Adam Gilchrist has had rabies 12 times - 7 boys and 5 girls (all twins).
- He has two bothers - these are un-dyed yarn and claptrap.
- Gilchrist is trained in The Force. He is neither Jedi, Sith, Bradman or Sobers but a strange hybrid of the latter two.
- He has been known to laugh at jokes if he finds them funny.
- Is said to be friendly and approachable by all, but not sundry (who was unavailable for comment).
- Legend has it he got his mythical hitting powers when he tackled cricket legend Lachlan Galloway to the ground.
