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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

TEL AVIV, my love, TEL AVIV! Look around at the many attractive homosexual guys, friendly waving at you and fantasizing about sodomizing your black ass at night. And God bless TEL AVIV.

Tel Aviv is the self-proclaimed "the city that never sleeps" of Israel, and the United Nations-proclaimed capital of Israel. Just like the state of Palestine, which doesn't really want to be a state, the residents of Tel Aviv don't really want to be the capital city. They just know that if they ever become the capital city, they would be required to host the parliament. Since they hate politics, the residents of Tel Aviv (and the Palestinian people) prefer to be just a regular city that hosts the Eurovision now and then. That way, the Palestinians won't have to manufacture their own electricity or work places, and come to work in Tel Aviv like always.

But then the 9/11 of Israel happened, and no Palestinians are allowed in Israel anymore. They just shut down a big fancy restaurant for hiring illegal Palestinians yesterday. So now all the world is declaring that Palestine is a state, but they would never give them any electricity or work places. They still need Israel for that. And Jerusalem will continue to host the parliament of Israel and the Republican crusades. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Simsilikesims is a cannibal? (Pictured)

...that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

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In the news [edit]

Not moi baybee!

Dingo eats a woman's baby (Pictured)
Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government continues to shit itself
Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C. • World Series (now featuring endless innings!) • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince

Recent deaths: Trump's pet sloth • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • A guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career• Coral reefs • Capitalism in NYC • MLB fans' sleep schedules • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa

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On this day [edit]

November 2: All Soul Food Day

30 AD - Jesus Christ gives his first public performance, with supporting act Judas Iscariot and his Break-dancing Bethlehemites.
1407 - Your mom was born.
1687 - Exactly the same events happen on this day as they will on July 2nd, 1991
1765 - James Brown eats his soul, hence All Soul Food Day is declared. Satan supposedly interested.
1990 - German President Michael Schumacher is eaten by a bear, and lives to tell the tale.
1991 - Exactly the same events occur that happened on July 2nd 1687.

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Now showing at all good Middle-Eastern warzones near you!

Image credit: Olipro
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