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From today's featured article 

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Edward Christopher "Ed" [insert singular 3rd person subjective pronoun]eran (born 17 February 1991 - died NEVER) is a Canadian-British singer-songwriter, actor, owner of a bar in London, and Rupert Grint lookalike. He is also known as "Teddy" on Instagram. Additionally, he is considered to be the "one true god" of his home country, and even the entire world. Asides from that, he's known to the public as the "Ginger Jesus". Ed is arguably a fad of the year 2017 and also a British nationalist. Even though his career was meant to fade away at the end of the 2010s, he manages to still make music to this day, much to everyone's annoyances. He is known to have a lot of chart hits, especially in the UK, including "The B Team", "Untitled (Take Me Into Your Loving Arms)", "Nothing Happens After Two" and most infamously, "I'm Back & I'm Desperate". However, they are most likely plagiarized, but he still gets away with it. His private life isn't very well known, thanks to having no surveillance cameras in his home and the fact that the address to it is changed every day. Despite having a male given name, Ed somehow manages to have female pronouns as part of his surname, so, logically, he would've instantly became a "she" right away. Oh fuck, how do we go by them again? (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
  • ... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
  • ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
  • ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
  • ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
  • ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
  • ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?

In the news 

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1977-2026

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day

Recent deaths: Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again

On this day 

The British's very own version of Jesus.

February 17: Sheeranist New Year (United Kingdom)

  • 1991 - Famed British musician Ed Sheeran is born. Brits rejoice that their Messiah is finally with them.
  • 1996 - Gary Kasparov loses a game of chess to a computer, like that's never happened to anyone before.
  • 2008 - USA bombs some country after the military finds a few extra bombs hiding in an old pair of pants.
  • 2017 - Denmark is officially recognized as a mistake and erased from history.
  • 2026 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.

Picture of the day

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 The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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