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From today's featured article 

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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.

This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.

What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
  • ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
  • ... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
  • ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
  • ... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
  • ... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
  • ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?

In the news 

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On this day 

Thou shalt not eat bacon, unless I change my mind.

March 13: Friday the 13th

Picture of the day

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 40,964 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.