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WASHINGTON DC - Over a week after the historic health care bill was passed, President Barack Obama gave his seven hundredth speech on health care reform today in front of the United States Congress. Addressing the nation in the most serious expression and tone, the President said:
"My fellow Americans: April Fools!"
This left a cold silence in the house, broken only by the President's own hysterical laughter. After calming down and catching his breath, President Obama explained the joke to the confused masses:
You're probably wondering what's so funny. I'll tell you what's funny: The health care bill! The entire thing. It's one big, fat joke!
Think about it: Forcing everyone to buy insurance in order to lower premium costs? That's preposterous! It completely defies the law of supply and demand! Just saying it out loud reveals it's absurdity! And let's not forget the new regulations on insurance companies and added taxation. You'd think I was actually trying to keep prices up! Rest assured, though, if by chance you won't be able to afford health insurance after these policies take effect, you'll still receive quality, free health care once you're thrown into prison!
Many out there are not worried about the economic details, but more concerned about the coverage they already have. You remember I said, "If you're satisfied with your insurance, you can keep it." Well, I want to make it completely clear once again: The government will do absolutely nothing to interfere with your current insurance policy. However, your cheapskate Scrooge of a boss has every right to dump your sorry behind on the government plan if he wants to save a few dollars! Of course, seniors want to know my solution to the upcoming Medicare deficit. In a nutshell, we're basically going to expand it to everyone!
Seriously, people, Fascism wasn't this back-asswards! Oh my God, if only you could see your faces America! (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)
- ... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
- ... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
- ... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
- ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
- ... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
In the news
- Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
- World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four
Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • UConn ladies' basketball season + Jordan's Furniture customers • Jesus
Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP
On this day
April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland)
- 1614 - Pocahontas sells life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads
- 1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?"
- 1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at TATU gig.
- 1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance.
- 1979 - Robin dies of Bat-AIDs, a grieving Batman later patents the first Bat-Condoms.
- 1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C.
- 2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.
Picture of the day
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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault |
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