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From today's featured article 

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“This is one small step for a gentleman, rather too much for working class types, I fear.” – Commodore Terrence Lambert-Simnel

With these words Commodore Terrence Lambert-Simnel (RN retired) became the first man to set foot on the moon. Moments later Group Captain Perkin "Tubby" Warbeck planted the Union Jack in the moon-dust and claimed Earth's only natural satellite for England, for King George and for tax-purposes. Flight Lieutenant Gerald "Stinky" Rawlings stood to attention and saluted through tear-stained eyes from the confines of the command module "Heart of Oak", unable to take part in the actual landing due to a grammar school education.

The story of how these two brave men and their batman came to be 400,000 kilometres from the nearest tea-shop is one of the most inspiring and yet little known tales in modern history. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)
  • ... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
  • ... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
  • ... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
  • ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
  • ... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
  • ... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
  • ... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?

In the news 

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Too bad you can't customize this in the original.

Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016 • r/TheDarnold having a field day • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein FilesWinter Olympics

Recent deaths: The MetroCardStranger Thingsthe other Black guy from John Carpenter's The ThingBob WeirScott AdamsKianna UnderwoodBuffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenureDenver Broncos' and Los Angeles Rams' seasons • UncyclopediaCatherine O'HaraLamontBrad Arnold

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!

Upcoming deaths: Donald TrumpNYC's economy • WeedDick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce

On this day 

You can pick your Queen, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your Queen's nose.

February 8: Royals Named Elizabeth Day

Picture of the day

Dog Hazard
By popular demand, the National Pet Association has released a new guide for the best household chemicals to use for exploding your dog. Caveat Canem, indeed.

Image credit: MoneySign
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 41,120 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.