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From today's featured article 

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JigSaw (born John Kramer) is a famous player of practical jokes, similar in style to Michael Myers, but far more creative and genius. Rather than running around groups of teenagers and stabbing them and yelling "I stabbed you LOL", he kidnaps them and knocks them unconscious until they finally wake up inside one of his elaborate pranks. JigSaw has often asserted that "most people are so ungrateful towards the art of practical jokes. I intend to change that, one person at a time."

JigSaw's career as a player of jokes began when a most cruel joke was played on his wife. She was just hanging out behind a door when some asshole slammed it open and smashed her on the nose. There was blood all over her face, but in the spirit of being a good sport, she forced a good hearty laugh at the obvious humor of the situation. This joke infuriated JigSaw, so he devised a joke to that was even better than slamming a door in someone's face. He snuck up on the guy and injected him with rat piss, knocking him out cold for several hours, during which JigSaw set up the first of his pranks. He strapped the unconscious victim down to a chair with duct tape and rigged up a bunch of sharp knives in front of his face. When the man came to, he saw the ingenuity of the prank and began laughing hysterically until JigSaw slapped him in the mouth to shut him up. It was explained to the man that if he shoved his face into the knives hard enough, he would be allowed to leave the chair. After only a couple seconds of hesitation, the man shoved his entire face through the knives, far more than the prank required. They both had a good laugh, and then JigSaw unexpectedly slapped him in the mouth so hard that he fell into a pile of barbed wire and was killed. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio?
  • ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
  • ... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
  • ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
  • ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
  • ... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
  • ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
  • ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*

In the news 

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One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C.

Recent deaths: Trump's pet sloth • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • Ace Frehley • Any hopes for a KISS reunion

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career and freedom • Coral reefs

On this day 

WHILST MOST COMPUTER USERS CAN EASILY FIND THIS KEY TO TURN IT ONNNNN, WHEN IT COMES TO TURNING IT OFF, EVERYONE BECOMES LOSTTTTTTT

October 22: Nat-t-tional S-s-stuttering Awareness Day (Canada), nATIONAL cAPS lOCK dAY (United Kingdom)

  • 1889 - AMERICAN TYPEWRITER'S UNION CHANGES NAME TO AMERICAN FEDERATION OF DICTATION TAKERS
  • 1920 NEW YORK TIMES INTRODUCES ITS FAMOUS "NEWS ZIPPER"; WALL STREET JOURNAL CAUGHT WITH ITS PANTS DOWN
  • 1940 - POETRY LAUREATE E E CUMMINGS ATTACKED BY RABID TYPEWRITER; HILARITY ENSUES
  • 1941 - WAR BREAKS OUT BETWEEN ALLIED STANDARD TYPEWRITER KEY BOARD LOVERS AND AXIS OF DVORAK USERS; PUNCTUATION SUFFERERS AROUND THE WORLD CAUGHT IN MIDDLE
  • 1968 - LED ZEP-EP-EP-EPLIN RELEASES ITS CLASSIC ALBUM "LED ZEPPPPLIN IIIII", FEATURING HIS HIT SINGLE "WHOLE LOTTTTA LLLLLOVE"
  • 2005 - W W W W W W W WOR WOR WORLD REC RE REC RECORD STUT ST STUTTER WI W W WIN WINS P P P P P P P P P PRI PRIZE
  • 2006 - CAPS LOCK DAY IS ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL CAPS LOCK GETS STUCK AND EVERYONE IS THOUGHT TO BE YELLING.

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