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From today's featured article
Let's get one thing straight, my dear Wats-onium.
(Puffs cigar).
When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you.
(Gestures to empty seat in front of desk)
In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. But I don't stay pristine for long.
(Coughs).
The streets of this world, this city, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat.
(Coughs again).
It adds character, and everyone loves character.
(Throws down cigar and picks up pipe). (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)
- ... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
- ... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
- ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
- ... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
- ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
- ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
- ... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
In the news
- Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured)
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Bills Mafia shitting themselves after losing the division to the Patsies due to a terrible kicker • Nanny state officials breaching people's right to privacy via enforcing social media bans and digital ID on their respective countries under the pretext of "think of the children!"
Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions' and Indianapolis Colts' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • The Pittsburgh Steelers' fucking up once again • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix •
On this day
January 2: Official End of Festive Season Feeling Day
- 366 AD - Barbarians invade the Roman Empire and steal the secrets of the chorizo.
- 1865 - The Uruguayan War starts after Paraguay and Uruguay fights over whose capital gets to be called Montevideo.
- 1945 - Nuremberg, Germany is accidentally bombed during the preliminary hearings of the Nuremberg Trials, court is delayed for months.
- 1963 - Turning point in the Vietnam War when Charlie decides that hiding in the jungle was a pretty good strategy.
- 1967 - Governor of California, Ronald Reagan, sets the thermostat on Los Angeles to perpetually smoggy.
- 1971 - Richard Nixon signs a bill making it illegal to break into your political opponent's offices and steal their shit. Oops!
- 1993 - The Sri Lanka Navy's first aircraft carrier fails after it floats fifteen feet above the water.
Picture of the day
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The Microsoft Word Processor is good for the office and the kitchen! It can be yours for just 3 easy payments of $39.99! Image credit: Tripod2282 |
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- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
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- Community portal – for general community shenanigans
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