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From today's featured article
Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)
- ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
- ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
- ... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
- ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
- ... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
- ... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
- ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
In the news
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed
Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons
On this day
March 13: Friday the 13th
- 1260 BC - God decrees the Ten Commandments (Pictured), but due to complicated legal machinations all the rules apply to only one guy named Thou.
- 1639 - Harvard College is opened, offers Bachelor's degrees in stone stacking and bloodletting.
- 1781 - After years of deep and intense probing, William Herschel discovers Uranus, a dark and dimly lit gas planet.
- 1947 - The first murmurings of Holocaust denial denial surface when the existence of a Holocaust denial group in Geneva, Switzerland is questioned.
- 1991 - The Maury Povich Show first airs, entertaining people who think they're too good for Jerry Springer, but are at least self-aware enough not to like Dr. Phil.
- 2013 - Pope Francis is elected as the newest Pope of the Catholic Church after promising the bishops one Sunday off a month.
Picture of the day
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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault |
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