UnNews:Oscar the Grouch, Bert fired from Sesame Street over vaccine mandate
Friday, November 12, 2021
SESAME STREET, New York -- The air is a little less sweet in Sesame Street. The popular HBO/PBS children's show is severing ties with two favorites over their anti-vax beliefs. Sesame Workshop has fired mainstays Oscar the Grouch and Bert for their refusal to comply with the show's strict COVID-19 vaccine mandate.
"We don't care if you're puppets," the Workshop said in a statement, "you have a moral obligation to get this extremely important vaccine so that the next thing we have to worry about is the climate crisis, ending world hunger, billionaires in space, and Kanye."
"I don't know what these assholes' problem is," opined Big Bird, who recently got his vaccine. "I know Oscar watches a lot of Fox News and Newsmax, but Jesus Christ! The vaccines are perfectly safe." Then he took a big puff of his cigar.
Even Ernie is washing his hands of his former friend. "Fuck him," the orange Muppet says. "He and I were supposed to officially come out, but now we have to scrap that storyline. Thanks for nothing, bastard! I think we're changing it so that he and I break up and I start dating Snuffleupagus."
Grover speculates that Bert may already have had covid. "He got really sick in February of 2020 before the pandemic. Perhaps he thinks he doesn't need it, or he's afraid. I got it five months ago, and the worst thing that happened to me were a sore arm and a fever. But they disappeared within 24-48 hours. I'm so strong now, I can finally open jars with my bare hands."
He then demonstrated for us. "Damn. Well, I did yesterday."
When reached for comment, Oscar said, "Fuck you, liberal scumbags! You stole the election from Lord Trump! I refuse to let Bill Gates track me with his microchips!" Then he said something about Tom Hanks, Oprah, pizza and Jewish space lasers.
Meanwhile, Bert faxed us a photograph of his buttocks.
This UnNews article is brought to you by the letter Q.
- William Hughes. "Big Bird has now gotten the COVID-19 vaccine" AV Club, November 5, 2021
- Lisa Respers France. "Emilio Estevez denies vaccine mandate cause of 'Mighty Ducks' departure" CNN, November 9, 2021