Oz Car Wild

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“The undrivable in pursuit of the unwantable.”

~ Oz Car Wilde on a race between Australia's only two cars

“To define is to limit. The limitations of this magazine are indefinite.”

~ Oz Car Wilde on Oz Car Wilde
The [insert generic Australian sounding car name here] in performance mode.

Oz Car Wild is the name of an Australian automotive magazine. Published in Northern Australia the magazine has an average weekly readership of three. Now into its 329th issue, Oz Car Wild holds the distinction of only ever having covered the release of three cars, one of these being from a Hot Wheels set. Irregardless of this, Oz Car Wild is still the most popular magazine amongst illiterate Australian males, a demographic which represents a significant amount of the overall population.

Features[edit | edit source]

Despite the apparent lack of car related stories in Australia Oz Car Wild has innovated numerous ways to fill pages. The coverage of the Austalian made car land speed record attempt took up six weeks by itself, had the driver not got out and pushed it could have been seven. This coverage also saw Oz Car Wild get its highest readership ever, as the driver bought a copy to read during the attempt. The magazine also features weekly columns from well known Australian motoring enthusiasts Jimmy Clarkson, Dick Hammond and the other one. Due to the lack of car related subjects the three normally discuss their contempt for one another, with lots of ego-stroking thrown in for good measure. All of this is done in the eloquent witty style that Oz Car Wild has become famous for,

Down-Under Dave's Drunk Driving Dilemmas[edit | edit source]

A typical Australian road sign.

By far the most popular recurring feature, Dave, a stereotypical Australian describes a car accident from Australian police files, and invites the reader to write in to guess if the driver was drunk or not. It is notable that the answer has always been yes, although that's Australian police officers for you. The feature has proved so popular it is being extended to include accidents caused by the general public.

The (Koala) Bear Necessities[edit | edit source]

“I can resist everything except temptation.”

~ Oz Car Wild on driving without alcohol.

This feature details some of the many extras required for safe and enjoyable Australian driving. Over the years items covered include the portable barbecue, the portable shotgun and the portable liquor store, with several months being dedicated to road testing the latter. The feature also covers useful tips for foreign drivers wishing to better enjoy driving in Australia, including a guide to common Australian road parlance and warning signs.

Steve Irwin the Convertible Hunter[edit | edit source]

A convertible in its natural habitat. Note the distinctive orange and black warning markings.

Oz Car Wild's resident convertible hunter goes off in search of vehicles in their natural habitat, before molesting them bringing them to the people. This section ran for numerous issues until tragedy struck and Irwin was killed whilst swimming with Stingray. Whilst originally attracting criticism for the alleged mistreatment of cars, the article was also praised for helping raise awareness about the hardships faced by these vehicles. In tribute to Irwin, Oz Car Wild continues to bring exotic cars to the Australian public.

Power Laps[edit | edit source]

Every week a celebrity is invited to do a lap of the Australian outback on a kangaroo. So far only one celebrity has made it back, leading to Oz Car Wild being nominated for a humanitarian award by the United Nations. It is unknown where exactly all these celebrities have disappeared to, yet no efforts have been made to relocate any of them. The current leader, and only person to successfully complete the course, is Dane Cook, who was able to bore any predator to death with his stand-up routine.

Challenges[edit | edit source]

Due to the lack of new cars to write about, the bulk of the magazine is made up through articles about challenges set by the readers. The writers will be given a specific task, and asked to complete it by the next week's issue. Past challenges have included going a week without driving drunk, in which one writer would go insane and kill several innocent people, before committing suicide.