Possum
 | It is a violation of federal, state, and/or international law to view this article. Thus, YOU MAY NOT VIEW THIS ARTICLE. Violators will be punished with instant decapitation and a $20,000 fine. |
"Opossum" and "O-possum" redirect here. For the album also known as Oh Possum!, see Opossum Mask Replica. For the Dataeorum Possorum single, see Carmen Possum.
Possums are small, furry, tree-dwelling mammals distantly related to the savage mountain cats of North America. They have wreaked terror upon mankind since their inadvertent discovery in Australia in 74,013 B.C. by nomadic Aborigines migrating from S.E. Asia. Unfortunately, the Easter bunny cut off the Aborigines' escape route back into Asia, and a tenuous relationship has existed between man and possum ever since.
During the 19th Century, children's stories depicting possums as shy, docile creatures were authored, primarily to prevent children having nightmares about these bloodthirsty killers. This perception of possums became popular, with misinformation further perpetuated by modern Australian Tourism organisations for prevent travel to Australia becoming reduced or non-existent in the face of this natural terror.
Possums are generally solitary animals, preferring to hunt alone rather than share their kills. However, a number of possums may stalk a potential victim for many miles in the dark, using their acute night vision and keen sense of smell. Though acting alone, this gives the appearance of a group of possums working in a pack, for a good example check here.
When their intended target displays a moment's weakness, possums may immediately strike from the treetops with devastating speed. The scent of blood drawn from the initial wounds sometimes causes a group of possums to frenzy. In extreme cases, they may even turn on each other, slashing with their long claws and biting, blinded with blood and fur.
Designed for night, speed, stealth, and death, the possum is truly a beast of which to be most afraid.
If you have a possum DO NOT LET IT EAT PIE!!
Their violent nature is due to their history of involvement with the devil. Since the Great Possum Badger War they have been recorded as using Satan as a weapons dealer of sorts, supplying them with all the required armaments and resources. Although there was no clear winner of the war, it is believed that the possums defeated the badgers in a final bloody battle after King Saulament Rockxus sold his soul to the devil to achieve more power. The result was dubbed 'El Possumo Diablo Grande' by the spaniards who uncovered the slabs of stone that told the tale. He stood approximately 23 feet tall and was very muscular in this form. His horns were dis crabbed as 'glowing red steel' by the only known veteran, a rat by the name of Chubs McCalister. Little more is known, but it is believed that many possums are conspiring to revive the demon leader.
The Preying Methods of The Possum
- Method 1: the possum will wait for the target (usually a unsuspecting human between the ages of 50-70) to walk directly under the tree where the possum is hanging from. then the possum will use its tail to start swinging and then release and fly at the target at incredible speed of up to 100 mph. this knocks the target down and, in many cases, even knocks them unconscious. then the possum will use its razor sharp talons to slit the throat of the target, killing it, then they will eat what they want and return to the tree. here they will wait for vultures to come and eat the rest, and then they will attack and eat the vultures the same way.
NOTE: Method 1 is only used during the day, and if the possum is very hungry
- Method 2: the possum will wait for the human target to pass by its tree then it will quietly climb down and stalk the prey in the darkness. they will wait for the target to sit down, or even better: to sleep. then they will lunge at the target and suck out their blood, killing them
NOTE: Method 2 is only used at night or may be used in the day if the possum is very thirsty
- Most Possums prefer Method 2 over 1, because 1 attracts too much attention. because of this, many possums using method 2 will wind up stalking the same target for hours, giving the appearance of them working in packs. but they do not. they are very possessive of their kills and will kill anyone who gets in their way, whether another possum or another human. or even a penguin
- The Newly Discovered Method 3: recent research shows that possums running out in front of your car to make you swerve to miss them and then crash is actually a diabolical plot of the possum, and is not in any way due to the incompetence of these animals. they are much smarter than people give them credit for, even smarter than some humans. if you see a "cuddly" possum crossing the road, run them over, because their plan is to get you to crash, they aren't crossing the road right in front of you for no reason! Also, the possums do not care if they die, so you will not scare them, to die in such a act is honorable (similar to the death of a kamikaze).
- The Other Newly Discovered Method 4: this is used only for larger prey which one possum cannot handle alone: several possums (usually 5-10) will come together in a circle and begin chanting in possum language. they will then begin to glow a snot green color and then they open their mouths (all facing the center of the circle) and then barf green beams of light shoot into the center, where they form into a camo green ball of energy that then directs a giant beam of lime green light straight up in the sky. this then acts as a beacon for Santa Claus to send his reindeer powered uber doomsday robot to aid the possums. it will then use a drill on its arm to turn the enemy into a bloody mess. possums who perform this ritual are later granted the right to wear the prey's flesh as clothing. demons also can be summoned, and it is rumored the wassum can be summoned if this ritual is performed near water
- Method 5: method 5 is very similar to method 4, but it is only used when the possum armies have failed to capture a planet from another galactic rival. they then perform a "final solution" in which the entire possum armada of that planet gather on a nearby moon and they all chant in demon language. they begin to glow a piss yellow and they then shoot radioactive yellow beams out of their eyes which shoot at a uberpossum levitating in the center of the circle. the uberpossum then opens his mouth after receiving the energy, and a cheese yellow beam of energy is shot at the planet and then the uberpossum and the planet both blow up simultaneously. a possum who has performed such a ritual can be identified by the purple blood stains of the uberpossum upon his fur
- Method 6: possums can kill you by squirting floods of yogurt at you from their ears
Possums and Nazis
in July of 1944, Nazi Germany was getting desperate to win their world war, so they took a new approach: genetics. Nazi scientists decided to fuse Possum DNA with the vampyric creature from outer space, the Walrus in order to make a Rabid and Stealthy creature (Possum) but also have it overweight so it could crush its enemies (Walrus) they also knew that the Walrus' long vampyric tusks could
greatly compliment the possums already great thirst for blood, thus making it, quite literally, a bloodthirsty killer. The result was a dreadful creature known as the Wassum. The Wassum, unlike the species it was fused from, was totally aquatic for an unknown reason (some believe a Nazi scientist may have put a little shark or piranha DNA into the mixture) Its aquatic nature meant the Wassum was only good at Naval warfare, and the Nazis needed something that could stop the advancing allies on land. so the Nazis decided they would get rid of the "useless" creature by dropping it on New York. When the intelligent Wassum found out their plans, it grew very angry and escaped its aquatic tank and ate its handlers. it then waddled its way into the nearby Rhine river and swam to the ocean. Today, it is said that the Wassum can be found at the bottom of the ocean where no light exists, but also likes to dwell in sunken German navy ships, as it enjoys eating any flesh that might remain on the dead sailors of the race that shunned it. More than one Wassum has been sighted in recent years, how the Wassum reproduced scientists have not found out yet, some believe it may be able to reproduce by budding. Fortunately, the Wassum usually only bothers Nazis or anyone supporting their ideas, as simple revenge for the emotional scars the real Nazis did to it. it is also responsible for all sea monster sightings, specifically the Loch Ness Monster.
Possums and Vultures
it does not take long at all for any human to notice the great rivalry between the possum and the vulture. no details were known of this war for centuries, but a human astronaut recently found a derelict possum-made UFO (from the possum-ruled hangar 66 of Area 51) and went inside. they viewed the ship's communication log and used a possum to english translator on it. the transmission is as follows:
To the great and honorable Ultimate Supreme Executive Overlord of the Possums: All is well here on earth, the foolish humans tried experiments on our kind, not realizing our superior minds could not be controlled by such insignificant life. We were mutated into even more powerful physical forms than ever before. We have preyed on the humans as what they call "aliens" in "UFOs" we constructed from their own materials when we raided and took over an entire hangar at the very base they mutated us. I only wish my other possum brethren here on earth, as well as you all back home, could experience these glorious new bodies, but it is comforting to know we all share the same superior intellect. I do have terrible news, though, my lord, the vulture menace has followed us to this pathetic rock as well. It would seem our ancient enemy is also attempting to expand their empire. rest assured, we are doing all we can to stop them, but they are very powerful and are aided by some terrible elite vultures they call "condors". thus, it is very fortunate that the humans have mutated us, giving us our own elite units as well. I assure you that this world will be ours, we have been building some great machines within hangar 66. human and vulture alike will all burn once we begin using them. Time does not permit me to tell you of the most powerful one of us i have ever seen though. and that is called the wassum, also a human experiment. all though he does not seem to care for our little world domination plans now, i am sure he can later be persuaded. perhaps we can speak more on this subject when you arrive at earth
as one can see, possums and vultures are both intergalactic aliens bent on expanding their empires, and both now have earth as the next planet on their list. their homeworlds are unknown to us however, but it is believed that vultures are responsible for all alien sightings on mars, and possums are responsible for solar flares. it has also been proven that black holes are a result of a collective force of energy that is produced by all the weapons aboard ships during possum and vulture fleet battles. these are two great forces that should never be taken lightly, and we are now caught in the middle of one of their greatest wars yet. whoever the victor, one thing is certain: humanity is doomed
Possums in New Zealand
Possums are found throughout New Zealand, however, unlike many countries in which they are found, there are only two species of possum in New Zealand.
- Possumus Nonalivus, found throughout New Zealand, especially on rural roads near possum food stores, such as native bush. They are quite tame, and won't run away from you when you approach.
- Possumus alivus is a very endangered species of possum in New Zealand. They are rarely seen, and part of this fact is that quite often when they are seen, the instantly turn into Possumus Nonalivus. No one yet knows why they undergo this quick, irreversible transformation, but they do.
Many Kiwi's (the natives of New Zealand) dislike the Possumus alivus species because they continuously eat their children and their gardens are continuously destroyed. This may have a slight affect on the ever increasing percentage of Possumus Nonalivus.
See also
