~ John Kerry on His law school experience
Law school is one of the breeding grounds for the common lawyer, the single most hated parasite in human history.
- 1 Overview
- 2 HowTo: Get into Law School
- 3 Life as a Lawyer
Law School, the magical castle it is
Law School is a magical kingdom in the sky. Many view it as a reward for going to an elite liberal arts college, and getting a 'degree'. However this fails to account for the immense import of the fabled Legal Stupidity Aptitude Test (LSAT).
This magical sky kingdom is renowned for its randomly graded tests, and the Socratic Method which is both a sex position, and a gift to over achievers (it is also the reason why Socrates drank the Hemlock). As a law student you will need a top of the line laptop, complete with designer bag and Italian notebook sock.
What to expect in general
Colours will suddenly be dull. Laughter muted. Sounds somehow grating. Food, sex, and wine will all be repulsive. Except maybe the wine. The wine (and his buddies' hard liquor and beer) will become your best friends.
Unless you actually wanted to be a lawyer, and not just to please daddy. In that case you'll have a swell time. That said, the work load ranges from 190 pages per hour, to 190 pages per minute, alongside with three 6000 word essays on 1 individual sentences from a dusty law textbook printed only on recycled toilet paper in Korea.
You will learn to survive, or you will not. In any case, your local McDonalds needs fresh meat! Remember, evidence proving Soylent Green to be people is inadmissible. Tools you may employ to survive include caffeine, drugs, alcohol, and the most dangerous of all - religion. But even more dangero--Nope, religion tops the list.
However, even though this was the first question ever asked at law school orientation, it is still unknown whether anyone was ever worked to death by law school. Like every other question asked by anyone in law school, conclusive answers are usually frowned upon. The result of this is binge drinking between classes. However, this is the desired result. The alternative would be more binge drinking and the cessation of all questions via the nuclear option, per Stalin's interpretation of the nuclear option through the interpretation of Rick Santorum's treatise on the legally allowed consistency of Santorum when smeared.
HowTo: Get into Law School
The practice of law is very prestigious and honorable, AND YOU CAN MAKE LOTS OF MONEY. Actually, the odds of landing a high paying partnership are rare. But hey, I'm sure you're lucky enough to get one.
Because of semi-mythological creatures like Denny Crane, gaining admission to a law school is a very competitive process. Each year over 40 people are stabbed while for fighting for who gets to get through the doorway at the entrance of the law school. With this guide, you will be able to navigate the dangerous process.
It is important to know that the LSAT is used globally, and besides, because America uses this system it must be the best. Go USA! USA! USA!
Before the LSAT
Of course, before you can apply to law school, you gatta take and pass the LSAT. Before then, NOTHING MATTERS. So NOTHING YOU DO UNTIL THE DAY YOU TAKE THE LSAT COUNTS TO ANY ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE. So, Relax! Go party during your freshman and sophomore years. Go ahead! Get drunk and laid!....just remember that, in order to get into a top law school, you usually need at least a 3.8, and a 3.5 to get into a good law school or a 3.0 to get into a REAL law school. So, I guess you can sorta ration out partying and studying....I guess.
Studying for the LSAT
Your 'valuable' arts degree will help as much as a republican in a save-the-nation conference. You say as an internet user you are as likely to share my liberal-bias and thus smirk with me. Suffice it to say, you will need to resort to prostitution to afford the curiously expensive study materials, and late night tutoring sessions. Rest assured, the bell curve is there for a reason. Hurrah for being average!
Wow! It's your big day! Remember across the world people are going to take this test. Most of them are not only smarter then you, but more prepared. You will most likely fail, and have to take it several times over. Perhaps this time is just a test-run?
Remember to consider the fact that today will be the day you decide the rest of your life and it may have a reasonable sized effect on your artificial life as well. Want to have a good life? Then, obviously, you must get perfect marks.
Anyways, there are
five (really four) sections that count and a fake and easy section they put in just to fuck with ya. They call it the "experimental" section, but this is only because it is a human expirement on how much fun other human beings can have in making other humans miserable. Anyways, there are two argument sections, one "games" section and one reading section.
In this section, you will be required to use a tooth pick, a rubber band and 10 seemingly unrelated rules to sift out a 10 day schedule for six office slaves who are all too lazy to work or that their company "can't afford" to pay them all at once because of labor law deregulation, the trip itinerary for some hippie to visit like 30 cities in 31 days and to find out which weasel is the red one and which one is the "not red" one out of 7 weasels. However, everyone knows that weasels are brown. You will be given 35 minutes to do all of this with one set of facts. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? That's why they call it a GAME!!!
In the argument section, you will try to find what two idiots named "Moon Unit" and "Arnac" are arguing about and which tactics and arguments they are trying to make. They will be arguing from everything from abortion to where weasels should sleep to whose penis is larger. You will have be able to know the difference between exploiting resources and "exploiting resources". Also, you will actually need to "learn to know how to learn" what arguments are really about. This is so difficult, that many students' heads asplode. This will be 5-28 and you will be given 35 minutes to complete it. There will be 2 sections like this, unless there is 3.
In this section, you will be asked to read a short passage, probably something about one's friends or one's coming-out-of-the-closet story and then you will be asked to recall or analyze a nuanced part of the reading passage. Some of these questions range from what would happen if the writer was white to what the meaning of life is. Once, there was a question about what "is" really meant on like 54, but this is disputed by the LSAT experts who administer the test. Of course, this is another 35 minute section of the test with 4 passages which total to 5 to 28 questions. Try to have fun, but having fun on this is pretty impossible, unless you are Oscar Wilde's Emo kitten huffing Grue. This Grue not only had "fun" (whatever that is) but also got the respectable score of 172. However, when he went to talk about this on the internet he was called "TTT". He subsequently slit his wrist, listened to emo, cried and ate chocolate ice cream.
Scoring the LSAT
It will take three agonizing long weeks to get your score back. During this time, you will expirence the conditions of incontinence, alcholism and perhaps colic. When you finally get the test back, you may or may not understand what the test results mean. The LSAT is graded on a 120 to 180 scale. Here is a basic table on what those numbers really mean.
- 120-130 Congratulations! You are likely dead!
- 131-146 Law school isn't for you. However, if you have massive breasts, please apply directly to the law firm.
- 147-151 You can go to law school, it is the cheap brand Cola of the law world. You, and the other losers that go there will be strangely proud about it. However, due to your low score you are not actually allowed to graduate.
- 152-157 You can go to law school, so long as you take only the law jobs that no one else wants. These schools are called "TTT" for "Tall Tough Titties". Hey, filing can be fun!
- 158-164 Even though you did better than 90% of all admissions candidates, you are decidedly average to the people who are just better then you. You likely got here because you tried hard, despite the fact that most people in this band were just lazy yet talented.
- 165-173 This will get you into almost any school you want. Congratulations, you "passed". Still, you are expected to suffer from nagging doubt and self-sabotage at every chance. Gemütskrankheit!
- 174-180 Can I have some money, yo? You obviously have the money to either go to a really expensive school or hired your own personal tutor since you were 12 so that one day you would take the LSAT. You go online to make fun of people at such diploma mills such as New York University, Harvard, and Yale. We all know that Cornell is really SUNY-Ithaca. SUNY-Buffalo is where your retarded cousin graduated from law school. When you toilet, you have to wipe sunshine off your silk underwear.
Ranking of the schools
Because you're on the internet, wasting time, we will assume you just passed. Good work, pathetically average human-unit.
Now you must begin the ACTUAL application process, but you have forgot about one thing. You have not chosen a school to apply to! In order to figure this out, you must buy the U.S. News Ranking Catalog, which is the ONLY honest-to-God ranking system available. Many professors and law school deans dispute this, but they are just bitter that their school was given a low ranking. The Ministry of Love will correct their acts of sabotage against the party. Despite these disagreements, 99% of all potential employers use this rule. They U.S. World and Report ranks schools in this fashion:
- T14, also known as YHSNCCPBMDVNCG- You generally need a 175, or to score higher than 99% of everybody else to be considered for admission here. These schools are generally for nerds, rich kids, degenerate subversives and degenerate subversives. At these schools, the classes are the most brutal, but the grading curve is the easiest. The activities of students at these schools range from sipping tea and discussing your new $140,000 S-Class Benz to drinking Buzz Aldrans (Jim Bean and Tang) and watching documentaries about sitcoms. Generally, most students from these schools become Supreme Court clerks and associates at coglomo-firms, making about $200,000 a year. You will never know what it is like here. You can't even dream.
- Tier One, Also known as the "best" schools or T16-50- You generally need a 165, or a 90%tile to go to school at these fine institutions. These schools are just for the kids that sat in front of you in class and turned in all their homework in time or had a little extra money to study for the LSAT. Generally, you can get education here if you can afford to be 200Gs in the hole afterward. These schools still attract some rich kids and your rich uncle probably went to one of these schools. They are generally in every REAL city and usually have two or three schools to take the rebound from them. Schools like these include Case Western in Cleveland, Colorado-Boulder in Denver and Boalt Hall, California-Berkley in Los Angeles. Generally, the munchies is the most common recreation in these schools. Most graduates go on to work for Corporations or go to the firms that pay more than 90,000 a year, but less than 120,000. You know the ones. Don't make me explain. As above, you won't get in. Still, you might one day meet someone who did. Ask to touch him. Oh, don't act offended, it won't be a her.
- Tier Two, Also known as "regional schools" or "good schools"- You need about a 160 or be in the top fifth of LSAT takers to get into one of these schools, despite the fact that they only represent schools that are than half of the other schools, but US News in its infinite wisdom knows better. Typically, these schools attract their share of nerds by bribing them to go but most students are being picked up from the rebound after being tossed by a school at the tier above. Think hand-me-downs. These schools are generally the best school in red states, unless they are not. Prime examples include
Vanderbilt, Brigham Young, Emory, and the University of Oklahoma. The main recreation at these schools is unknown, but many think it's basking in a middle child crisis as most students at this school rejected a lower school and were rejected themselves by a higher school from the same region. A prime example of this situation is how the University of Denver feeds off of the University of Boulder as the rejects of the University of Denver go to the University of Wyoming. Generally, graduates from these schools get hired by firms that pay more than 70,000 a year, but less than 90,000. You know the ones. Don't make me explain. This is starting to look like you, but still a way off. Maybe you should have touched the dean of a higher ranked school?
- TTT, also known as Third Tier Tiolets or At least we are not Cooley- Even though these schools are considered to be in the weaker half of all legal programs, one generally needs to be in the top third of all LSAT takers (a 155 or more). Generally, these schools are for those who got rejected from their other choices or "really liked the area and price", or both. The typical student at these schools complain constantly about the rampant corruption in the legal world as those from higher ranked schools generally take jobs from them and at the mean time threatening those who wished to change this system to be "hung from the tree of liberty...the tree of liberty we chopped down to make that dumb liberal cry"....which I guess makes logic if you use back to front claims, because the world yllaer skrow sdrawkcab. Anyone who takes an economics class knows that. The graduates of these schools generally work for law firms that are desperate and of course, the public defender's office.
- FTT, also known as at least we are accredited- If you are considering this school, you still probably got in the top half of all LSAT takers. You are probably one of those people who subscribe to a different ranking and you will be punished by US News because of it. Sure, it was easy to get into this school, but the professors at these schools tend to be very weird and evil as they tend to flunk you out by the end of the first year. Don't be surprised. You got a 490 credit score? You can have a credit card, just be prepared to pay 20% APR. You got a 4 inch penis...erect? You can have a girlfriend, you just gotta settle for an "A" cup. Same thing with law school....if you got a 149 on the LSAT, accept the fact that you will be going to a school with a 40% attrition rate. Deal with it. The typical activities for students at these schools are whining and having mundane, weird and circular conversations. Some of them are allowed to graduate, so long as they swear on the Bible to not take the bar. WELCOME TO YOUR LAW SCHOOL.
- "Provisionally Accredited" also known as you wanna go to law school or not?- What? These aren't really law schools. The common post-grad job and during-school recreation is synchronized drool. Happy?! No? Go fuck yourself.
The application process
OK! You got everything together and know what schools you want to apply to. You are now actually ready to apply!
Life as a Lawyer
What you hope
You wake up in your modest yet stylish city apartment. You dress in an expensive navy blazer, custom button-up shirt, and department store silk striped tie. After putting on some sensible but slightly fashion forward shoes, you leave for the coffee cart that's outside the stylish building of your firm, the prestigious Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. While drinking your coffee, your iPad or laptop mocks slightly poorer people. When arriving at the office, your assistant smiles at you, and massages your ego, and in some cases your prostate. Your day is spent in a montage of legal-activity, with your excellence clear for all. You dine with a senior partner, and then head home with your hot fiance, with whom you have very dirty sex. You fall asleep laughing at those losers who said you would never succeed, and sleep like a baby. Life is perfect.
What it's actually like
You are a meaningless wheel at a law firm where you work with 400 identical lawyers. You have no hope for promotion, of anything from the above. At lunch children laugh at you, and people suspect your penis is drawn on with a sharpie. While sobbing yourself to sleep you are mugged by a crack addict and, after being sodomized, killed.
Also, you contract dysentery.