HowTo:Come to Australia as an asylum seeker

This article has been provided as a guide by the Uncyclopedia Ministry of Immigration and Natives in association with the Australian Government

Are you feeling that you wanted to go to Australia without a passport to start a new life? Have you been branded a criminal refused in other countries? Want to disguise yourself as refugees when you are the oppressors in your country? Than Australia is a perfect country for you!

Step 1: Take nothing but your family with you

Forget your documents, your passport, your TV, your bed or your clothes, just take your family and go to the coast as soon as possible! Who cares if you have a criminal record or fought in a terrorist group, just fucking take your family with you! Oh, and don't forget clothes. Forget the part where it says "don't bring any clothes". It's just an exaggeration. Take your family and run, including your children, because they can make people's hearts touch.

Step 2: Find a People Smuggler

The people smugglers are happy to send you off into Australia via Indonesia. When you find a smuggler, they will find you a boat. Boats range from small fishing boats to large Japan-bound freighters complete with large boxes. But first, you will have to look poor and helpless. Then you get on the boat and hide somewhere where no one can see you. Oh, and bring some food with you. That way, they won't need you for assistance.

Step 3: Get on the boat

Just get on the fucking boat! Make sure you stop over at Indonesia for your next boat, otherwise you would end up in Japan. Make sure you look helpless and starved, so that people can open their hearts for you. If you have over 1000 others in the same boat (all of them being "refugees"), then this an create front-page headline news back in Australia. That way, everyone can be either good or bad to them. Just remember, that you are not a refugee but you're pretending to be one so that you can get to Australia and start a civil war there.

If you are lining up to become asylum seekers, avoid pitfalls like this.

Step 4: Arrive at Australia, and use the codeword

All ou need to know is one simple word: Asylum. You will arrive at Christmas Island, and you will be fed, clothed and you will have a bed, all courtesy of the Australian taxpayer.

Step 5: Live in Australia

Now that you have successfully been applied citizenship, you can set up a rebel base and start gang wars! And you get paid welfare courtesy of the taxpayer. What a way to go! If you failed, then you will be sent back home, or end up in another location, probably in a place such as India or the USA. Or if you want, you can try driving a Holden or have your first taste of McDonald's.

See Also

• Christmas Island
• Refugee
• The Asylum-Seeker's Guide to Visiting McDonald's

  AustraliaSo where the bloody hell are you?