Halloween
- This article is about the spooky holiday. For other uses, see Halloween (disambiguation).
Halloween, also known as Hallowe'en, is an annual holiday which takes place on the 31st of October and celebrates "all things Satan", according to Halloween accessory retailer Toys Я Us. Aside from celebrating the evils of the occult, its main purpose is to teach kids black magic and witchcraft. Fucking recidivists...
It is also known that candy is given to children on Halloween. Fucking shamans...
Also, on Halloween, sluts being sluts.
History[edit | edit source]
The holiday of Halloween is one of the oldest celebrations in the world. However, exactly how old the holiday is is often a subject of debate. Some historians believe Halloween could have derived from Medieval England when beggars could have been warded off as a result of dressing up as a hellish creature. Eventually, beggars retaliated by dressing up in similar attire and proceeded to obtain food in return. Historians are skeptical about this origin, since it is highly questionable that beggars wouldn't be able to afford food but somehow be able to afford a costume instead. Fucking necromancers...
Some historians believe Halloween originated in Ireland as a Celtic Christian holiday. In Celtic Christian religion, it is a common practice to go door-to-door and ask for some Lucky Charms. Despite this practice being similar to modern day trick-or-treating, it is denied by various historians because, according to James J James, "nobody goes to door-to-door for something like a fucking whole-wheat cereal".
It wasn't until when Halloween was brought to the Americas by the Pilgrims where upon connections to the modern day Halloween tradition can be can be clearly seen. Pilgrims, right before Thanksgiving, scared the shit out of the local Native American tribes. Fucking douchebags...
When the Roaring Twenties came about, Halloween was seen as a night where mature females and flamboyant males could dress scary... in a skanky way! Fucking spawns...
The latest influence of Halloween came with the release of Halloween, starring Mike Myers as Michael Myers! Fucking inception...
Halloween for Children[edit | edit source]
For those children too young to skank-out, a series of rituals were created to get them out of the house and on the streets so that older couples could enjoy each other's costumes in "private". Some rituals and customs included dancing, "TPing", casual egging, and necrophilia.
It wasn't until the majority of kids succeeded in leaving the house when candy was given out as rewards. This was during the 1800s when candy was aplenty.
Carving out jack o'lanterns is also associated with Halloween, mainly because they look intriguing and they frighten the stupid weak minded fools that stumble upon them.
Still, some children worship their leader on Halloween; Satan. They do this while high on candy, and they chant all their sins, blindfolded, as they chuck their Reese’s pieces into a fire Fucking Satanists...
Costumes[edit | edit source]
When Halloween costumes began to become a thing they tended to be simple. Many chose to dress as the spooky ghost. Later on, people dressed up as mummies, vampires, Frankenstein, and the Harry Potter fandom. These disguises were later replaced after a few decades (when exactly?) by more in depth costumes such as witches, devils, skeletons, and of course black guys.[1]
During the fade of the century, many began to dress as zombies and even serial killers such as Jigsaw, Freddy Krueger, Hannibal Lecter, Jason Voorhees, and even Ghostface. Fucking cultists...
Alas however, no matter how scary, slutty, or cute your costume is; you'll never beat out my Spider-Man costume I wear every year. Fucking awesome...
See also[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ This is not an attempt to bust a black joke. This here is pure truth. Or so it seems...