Devil
“Oh yeah. I always used to pound on that little dipshit in college with Buddha.”
“Father of lies? Who is it? Never heard of him! I’m a pink fluffy bunny! With big fluffy angel wings! I created the Sun AND I’M NOT REAL! Better to rule and burn in Hell than to serve in Heaven, after all.”
The Devil is a general purpose evil-doer, and all round dickweed with a killer mustache and three rabbits. The Devil was initially an angel or Walmart employee, (yeah that's right satanists, you actually worship a redneck) until the Devil decided to fuck the rules and worship his incredible good looks and badass attitude instead of God. This didn't go over well with God considering he is motherfucking God so he banished him and of his fan club which now compromised a third of the angels. The Devil decided to launch some holy war, "for control". God finally decided that this whole "War" thing was getting out of hand so he decided to stop watching Soap operas for ten minutes, dropped his Big Mac and locked up the Devil in his closet. Aka hell. Satan did the next logical to make him self feel like a total bad-ass again decided to fuck with all the humans instead (lowest thing on the packing order). Which God decided not to intervene with because our screams are rather amusing after a busy day at the office.
Early Exploits[edit | edit source]
After World War II, moral values had been rising fast. This fact was helped by the death of Hitler and continued despite the fact that Europe was allowed to remain free. Heaven, Inc's (HEVN) stock shot up without any intention of going down, while consequently Hell Co. (HELL) suffered just the opposite. Hell's stockholders were getting angry, and CEO of Hell Satan needed to do something fast.
Indeed, the devil was in a bind and way behind. He announced that he would be taking a vacation to your basement. While he did go there, his true intention was not relaxation but to steal souls - a lot of souls. Given the state of his company he was willing to make a deal, a lot of deals. He walked along the country roads and found a possible client, who, due to lack of proper records (Charlie Daniels has the most complete account thus far, and there were very few witnesses) is only known as "Johnny." Some theorize the titular Johnny was, in fact, Johnny Cash, while others maintain it was Johnny Appleseed, author of the Book of John. What we are told is that Johnny, possibly in a fit of frustration at his fiddle, had been "sawin' on" it and "playin' it hot." The latter is understood to be old slang for "setting something ablaze." The devil, eager to engage the dashing young stranger in conversation, stopped the wanton destruction and instead offered a more constructive alternative.
He suggested that Johnny join him in a friendly fiddle playing competition. It was not well known at the time that the devil played the fiddle, but in truth he was an avid fan of stringed instruments. To coax the reluctant Johnny, he offered a fiddle made of gold. However, being the business like demon he was, he strung the whole deal into a bet in which if he (the devil) won, he would get Johnny's soul. Johnny, being a man of danger, heartily agreed.
The contest took place in Georgia. Scholars argue that the contest actually took place in Japan, because Charlie Daniel's account clearly mentions that "The devil's in the house of the rising sun." Japan is the land of the rising sun. But either way, Johnny won the fiddle made of gold. The devil left and retreated to your basement after having his mother cruelly insulted.
Many suggest that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist. Which, due to the fact that people do believe in him, is bollocks. His greatest trick is his ability at counter strike, where he pwns n00bs.
The devil, refers to a ruthless creature, or demon; relatively. Before and after Christ, many believers sought out the secrets of this powerful soul and creature. Modern themes include Satan, or a hoofed creature with two wicked sharp horns and a trident, used for prodding passerby, or sending his enemies to the depths.
For example, on Diablo 1 and 2 (maybe 3) it shows demons, and lords such as Baal, Diablo, and Morpheus. They really have their own ways. Diablo was just the first boss and demonic figure to die, from the 1st game. As you see, he's strong on magic and strength, so there comes Baal, seeking the world stone. "I will corrupt your soulstone and take what is wrongfully mine!" With his overall sickening appearance, he just commonly poke or use his red lightning.
The Devil's Music[edit | edit source]
The contest with Johnny proved to be a valuable experience. The Devil returned to Hell in the 1950s and launched a huge marketing campaign called "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll." The original idea was to have the campaign called "Sex, Drugs, and Sex", emphasizing fornication among the other sins. However, propaganda mechanic Adolf Hitler advised otherwise. And with his experience of using infectious jazz rhythms to gain power in United States and almost take over Europe, who could argue? Thus, the term "Rock and Roll" was coined, inspired by the two drugs that led most often to fornication, crack cocaine and ecstasy.
The basic idea was to invent a new form of music using guitars, drums, keyboards, and suggestive hip motions. Johnny invented the guitar, but everyone at the time (the 1950's), knew that Asian people could only make PSP, a stereotype that wasn't yet ready to be destroyed. So the devil(Johnny Darce) went in search of a poster boy for his fornication machine. A cross country tour proved fruitless except for Albus Dumbledore's brother Elvis, who was in Tennessee at the time. Extensive makeover surgery, hair grease, and guitar training, however, made him well equipped to battle all that was moral. The Devil favorite prayer. "Its a man's obligation to stick his boneration into a woman separation this sort of penetration will increase the population of a future generation".
Opposition to the new music[edit | edit source]
Christian groups at the time denounced rock as "The Devil's music", which wasn't altogether inaccurate. The Devil was not known for subtle advertising. It has actually been proven that the music of blues is the devils music, since he loves to whine and be emo.
He has also taken a particular like for lady/man gaga's poker face and Jay Z.
Birth, Death... and Rebirth[edit | edit source]
Although it has not been definitively proven, it is believed that when Dick Cheney (who it has been proven has blood of pure evil running through his veins) had his first heart attack (In God's attempts to wipe out all evil in the world) some blood was taken for checking, and a drop of blood was put into a petri dish.
This petri dish is believed to have been left unattended for six days, six hours and six minutes, and the cells in Cheney's blood began to reproduce and create a new source of evil, that eventually was so evil that no one could come within six hundred and sixty-six feet without lighting up like a funeral pyre. So the blood and this new spawn of evil was left to grow and grow, until eventually the devil was born.
So although the Devil is not in fact the greatest source of evil in the world, he was born from the greatest source of evil in the world, Dick Cheney.
It is also believed that from the blood of Satan (that stained the ground when he, as Lucifer, fell from the heavens) came such evil beings such as Paula Abdul, John McCain, and Debbie Dalton.
The Devil was occasionally rabid in his pursuit of souls - a lot of souls, and this eventually led to his first downfall. In 1999, he pursued a Time Traveler, fleeing what he thought was the Y2K bug, and managed to get into his Time Machine just before it left. In the struggle with the frightened occupant, a Mr. T. Smith, the time machine crashed in ancient India (known then as Hindustan) in 1492, killing both occupants.
However, The Goddess of renewal decided to reincarnate the Devil in the hopes of his becoming a good person. However, it was not to ever be, and Devil soon became as a deranged cat torturing infant, and eventually a giant, psychotic man, who was now called Devil Rebirth.
Devil Rebirth murdered over 200 people, and finally got caught and locked up in a special, dark cell in Japan. For a few decades, he remained until freed by a con man who claimed that he was his older brother. The duo escaped, where they encountered a man with seven scars on his chest, forming a big dipper pattern.
The man, called Kenshiro, faced off against Devil Rebirth, killing him again.
After a while he was resurrected by Satan and once again, with his old life and memories resumed his work.
Education[edit | edit source]
After completing evil high school, the devil went on to the Underworld Institute of Science and Technology (and Evil). He took several courses including human psychology, geology, biology, chemistry, and arts & crafts. He earned top marks in all his classes except the latter. His art instructor commented that his work was always uninspired and vulgar. "For example, his self portrait featured him sticking out his tongue and picking his nose. Despicable..." Although his short stint as an artist was a failure, he excelled in the other fields, which he later used to his advantage to annoy the hell (pun intended, however bad it may be) out of God. He used his skills in geology and biology, for instance, to fabricate those atrocious lies known as "fossils." He made them appear to be millions of years old to make believers lose their path. I mean come on, dinosaurs? The world is obviously 6,000 years old, because the bible says it's true, and the bible says the bible is true, so done deal.
Contact Information[edit | edit source]
Satan can be contacted by phoning 666-666 (recently moved) in the UK, or 1800-666-666 (ext. 6⅔) in the USA for sales calls and business proposals. His personal phone number is 666. It is suggested that when calling you have a freshly slain black goat and your credit information on hand. To meet him personally just attend any band camp anywhere or go to Mexico.