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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
...that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?

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In the news [edit]

All taxes, all vape, all Rayner.

Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK (Pictured)
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes
Trump presents new science project to Cabinet
Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures
Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • SNL cast exodus • K-pop: The Movie • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3)

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger in jail • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys' season • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump, either by angry cartel members, "meanie judges", or (finally) releasing the Epstein files

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On this day [edit]

September 9: Day of the ~~Truffles~~ Triffids

⑨ - Cirno is born.
1000 - During the Battle of Svolder, King Olaf I of Norway falls overboard and disappears into the Baltic Sea. He is not seen again until Olaf II: Electric Boogaloo is released on video later that year.
1087 - William the Conqueror dies. About time, too.
1312 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
1313 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
1405 - The world's first soda siphon goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
1828 - Leo Tolstoy is born. How boring is that?
1839 - John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph. Later photographs are of a glass cup, a glass saucer, and a glass eye.
1850 - California is admitted into the USA.
1944 - Bulgaria is ~~occupied~~ liberated by Soviet troops.
1967 - The spork is invented.
1969 - No rioting in Paris. Rioting ensues.
1976 - Mao Zedong passes away; sadly his dream of murdering more of his own people than Stalin is left unrealized.
1988 - In the most intense fighting of the GI Joe-Transformers War, the Autobot-Joe Alliance and Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces see heavy casualties in the Battle of the Backyard.
2009 - Being 9/9/09, an upside down Satan appeared, only to shortly die of spinal injuries.

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