UnNews:UnNews state-sponsoredly remembers Charlie Kirk
Friday, September 19, 2025
We at UnNews are saddened to learn that Charlie Kirk has passed away. Well, a long time ago, actually, it's been eight days as of the writing of this article, but you know comedic ideas come hard, alright? Charlie "America's Reichstag fire" Kirk, was born on October 14, 1993, in a place where the sun don't shine (Chicago). After an encounter of black people at the age of 7, Charlie Kirk was rightfully disgusted, and founded Turning Point USA 12 years later.
TPUSA was one of Charlie Kirk's greatest achievements, a fight against the anti-freedom, anti-liberty, anti-intellectual, anti-conservative Canada First colleges of America. Charlie Kirk said, "When TPUSA began, about 75% of college students voted Democrat. The organization's goal was to shift that by 10 points. Ultimately, we ended up achieving that by the 2024 presidential election, and these great Trumpjugend young voters have exploded in reach to the country and the whole world." TPUSA also included publication of the Professor Watchlist and the School Board Watchlist. These watchlists point out people that "discriminate against conservative students, push anti-American values, and advance leftist propaganda in the classroom." These lists successfully blacklisted dozens of communist kindergarten teachers and college professors, even if academics have criticized the watchlists for "threatening academic freedom" and "not killing enough".
Turning Point also launched an online academy called "Turning Point School of Great Educational Fun and Intelligence!"
..Nah just kidding. "Turning Point Academy". Really used your brains with that name, huh?
Really, the most important thing Turning Point did was making "Turning Point Action", a political advocacy group designed to elect more conservatives to push that Overton Window just a little bit farther. Infamously, on January 6th, Charlie Kirk wrote on Twitter that he needed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. On January 6th, 2021, however, Kirk wrote that he was sending more than 80 "buses of patriots to D.C. to fight for the presidents.". They sadly only had seven buses sent with 350 students, taking empty buses from random schools like.. "Columbine" and.. "Parkland" which had a lot more bus seats available than children enrolled in their school for some reason.
Charlie Kirk had a lot of polarizing stances. Opposition to abortion, gun control, DEI programs, LGBT rights (even if the man loves to avoid straight answers), and others. However, we may not criticize so staunchly of the dead, unless he's MLK. Charlie loved that. He also promoted the "Great White Replacement" conspiracy, however, let's be completely honest, if white people really WERE replaced by other minorities, who would be exploiting the Global South? I mean, the economy would crash OVERNIGHT! So, I don't really know about that one.
Sadly, on September 10, 2025, Charlie Kirk was "assassinated" by a leftist ANTIFA activist. Charlie Kirk dies due to Vodka and did not surivie like Trump did. This made Republicans very angry and made them go on and cancel everyone, like some sort of cancel culture or some shit like that. It led to a condemnation of political violence, something that Charlie Kirk would have obviously wanted too. Trump announced that Charlie Kirk would be receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom..
Well, Henry Kissinger won that a long time ago guys, don't act like that thing actually matters anymore.
Media companies were quick to call Charlie Kirk a great man and sanewash his life, despite his... well, very horrible racist, sexist, and homophobic takes. It's either that or you get pulled off the air, (tell great alternative edgelord Jimmy Kimmel..) so they made the right choice. Anyways, we at Uncyclopedia, not bounded by anyone's opinions, would rightfully like to say something to good ol' Charlie Brown Kirk.
GO PACKERS!!!!
Goodnight.
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