2024 Presidential Debate, June 2024
CNN MODERATOR: I'm CNN Moderator Jake Tapper, anchor of CNN's "The Lead" and co-anchor of "State of the Union." We're live here from ...
CANDIDATE TRUMP, CUTTING IN FROM BACKSTAGE: Who the fuck names their kid CNN Moderator Jake Tapper?
CANDIDATE BIDEN, REMOVING HIS OXYGEN MASK BACKSTAGE TO BUTT IN: You uh, it's uh, the name, it's the erm uh, the position. S-shut up man!
sound of a gun cocking
CAMERAMAN: Kill yourself after the debate, come on man!
MODERATOR JAKE TAPPER, PUTTING THE GUN AWAY: [mumbles] Okay, at least my name isn't Jake Butt. We're live here from Georgia, a key state in the battle for the presidency this year. I'm here with my associate Dana Bash, why don't you introduce yourself, Dana?
MODERATOR DANA BASH: Thank you Jake, I'm Dana Bash, anchor of CNN's "Inside Politics" and co-anchor of "State of the Union." I'd like to welcome all of you to our studio in Atlanta. Today is a pivotal moment for both Donald Trump and Joe Biden, in their rematch for the nation's most esteemed office. Each candidate will make their case today for why they should get your vote.
TAPPER: Me and Dana will be co-moderating the debate this evening, our job is to facilitate an orderly discussion between the two candidates.
TRUMP, FROM BACKSTAGE: Good luck with that, morons!
TAPPER & BASH: Shut up!
TAPPER, REGAINING HIS COMPOSURE: Before we start tonight, I'd like to share the rules. There is no live studio audience with us tonight, and each candidate will have two minutes to answer questions, and an extra minute for rebuttals and responses. An extra minute for follow-ups and clarifications will be granted at the moderator's discretion.
BASH: That's right Jake, furthermore the candidates will not have any notes with them. As for the positions, tonight Mr. Trump will be on the left, and Mr. Biden will be on the right. Their positions were decided by a coin toss.
BIDEN: W-why are they saying this? C-can't uh, um, the audience has eyes, don't they?
BASH: I'm just reading the script, you clueless geezer.
BIDEN: A-alright man, there's no need to get all uh, defensive I mean it's just.
Biden trails off.
BASH: Can we get someone backstage to poke him awake? God, let's just start this thing already. The sooner we start, the sooner I can get home and down a few bottles of Hennessy.
TAPPER: That's the most agreeable thing that will be said all night. Please welcome Mr. Trump, 45th president of the United States.
Trump walks out, taking his spot at the podium and burping unpleasantly.
TRUMP: What's good, America! I just banged Stormy Daniels again backstage and am still riding the high! She'll sue me again, but it's whatever!
sound of a cap unscrewing
BASH, TAKING A GULP OF HENNESSY: And please welcome Mr. Biden, our 46th and current president of the United States.
Biden hobbles out, slumping over the podium and wheezing. A CNN assistant tries to cover the camera to avoid the embarrassment but it's too late, X and TikTok influencers have already captured and posted the moment.
BIDEN, TURNING HEAD SLOWLY: I was promised warm milk and cookies. [muted laughter from audience] No, I'm not kidding! I want my milk and cookies and I want them now! Then it's ice cream time and then [trails off]
TAPPER: Thank you for being here, gentlemen. Let's begin the debate with the matter voters find most concerning, the economy.
TRUMP: I agree with the voters! When I was in office, we had the best economy. But now the left have ruined it and it can't be salvaged. The economy is a matter of great concern, and needs to be abolished entirely. When I get into office, I promise the American people that I will destroy the economy and the woke left that clings to it so dearly.
BIDEN, COMING TO LIFE AS HIS AMBIEN KICKS IN: You fat moron! The economy isn't a tangible object! It's a concept to describe the monetary state of the country! Did you even graduate fifth grade?
TRUMP: Fake News Jake, can you make the zombie on the right side of the room shut up and stop spreading misinformation?
TAPPER: My name isn't Fake News Jake, it's just Jake Tapper ...
BASH, NUDGING TAPPER AND ALREADY TIPSY: Just go with it.
TAPPPER: Fine, call me what you want, your highness.
TRUMP: Yaay!
BASH: But Mr. Trump, not only is Mr. Biden correct about the economy, but we were actually going to begin with him, so I'll have to ask you to be quiet.
TRUMP: Sleepy Joe is going first? Not only is that stupid, but I wasn't even told about this.
BASH: There was a sheet backstage, its sole purpose was outlining the debate! Did you even read it?
TRUMP: In my defense, I was busy banging Stormy Daniels and hitting my Rick and Morty bong. You expect me to read while I'm hitting my Rick and Morty bong?
sound of a cap unscrewing
BASH, DRINKING HER SECOND BOTTLE OF HENNESSY: A-alright, just shut up and let Biden talk, yeah?
BIDEN: Thank you everyone, it's great to be here. I uh, the economy is very important to me. I'm from Pennsylvania, I come from a household where the kitchen table – if things weren’t able to be met during the month was a problem. Price of eggs, the price of gas, the price of housing, the price of a whole range of things.
That's why I'm working hard to deal with those problems, I mean, we can't let the price of eggs get too high. Y'know, my dad made some mean scrambled eggs. There's nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning and getting a whiff of Dad's scrambled eggs. It's a shame that some Americans can't afford Dad's eggs because they're, they're a real treat. They're superb, honestly.
TAPPER: Let's take a step back here, Mr. Biden.
Biden takes a step back and almost falls.
TRUMP: Hah! Stupid-ass sleepy Joe.
TAPPER: Mr. Biden, not that kind of step back. O-okay, you don't have to step that front either! You're pushing your podium off stage! Just, just let's get back to where you were standing, and- okay, good. Let's get back to the matter of the economy.
BIDEN: Right, the economy. It's uh, it's a neat little thing we've got going here. We've got a lot of cool job opportunities, but I understand not everyone can get a job. Now I've talked to Kamala about this, and we've got some real neat ideas. I've noticed everyone in California is poor and homeless, and talking to Kamala, I've realized California is quite close to the Pacific Ocean.
So y'know, I thought to myself "The Pacific Ocean doesn't have much down there." And I think the best course of action is to build a few cities, and uh, uh invest in some infrastructure. It'd be great, I'd, uh- y'know I think we'd all like it.
BASH: That's a neat idea, Prez. But what about the [hiccup] the, the problems that might arise with Cthulhu, lord of the deep?
BIDEN: That's uh, that's a good question, lady whose name I can't remember. So I went to my CIA director, William Burns.
TRUMP: You hired a massive nerd as your CIA director? Classic liberal!
BIDEN: Aw, shut up fatty! My dad could beat up your dad! He could rip your pop's dick off, disembowel him, beat his ass, let him bleed out, and buttrape his corpse! Amirite?
various gasps
TAPPER: Mr. Biden, please keep yourself under control.
BIDEN: Anyways, as I was saying, I went to my buddy Mr. Burns. He uh, he helped me get into my PJs and read me the Call of Cthulhu. And one thing really stuck out to me, there was this one line. It went uh, "In his house in R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu lays sleeping." And I think as long as we're quiet about our efforts, we won't wake him up and won't cause any problems.
BASH: O-okay! Mr, Mr. Trump, now let's hear your take on, um, fuck I'm so waaaastedd right now. [giggles] What's going on with your criminal accusations, dude?
TRUMP: Well, I had a talk with my good friend Ben Shapiro.
BEN SHAPIRO: Shalom.
TAPPER AND BASH: How the hell did you get in here?
BEN SHAPIRO: My wife, she's a doctor, and your cameraman seems to have shot himself. She's actually trying to save his life right now. My wife that is, who is a doctor. I'm gonna go help her now.
Everyone looks towards the back of the room.
BIDEN, BASH, TAPPER, & TRUMP: That's nasty.
BIDEN, WHOSE AMBIEN HAS WORN OFF: What's a doctor again? I uh, I can get a uh, I know what a. You guys remember January sixth?
TRUMP: JANUARY SIXTH DID NOT HAPPEN! IT WAS A BUNCH OF WONDERFUL PEOPLE STANDING UP FOR FREEDOM THAT I HAD NO INVOLVEMENT WITH! NONE WHATSOEVER!
TAPPER: Mr. Trump, you're contradicting yourself here. You just said January sixth never happened, then stated that it did happen but you had no involvement in it. Which is it, jackass?
TRUMP, NOW WITH HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY FREEDOM, LA LA LA LA LA LA.
BASH, NURSING HER THIRD BOTTLE OF HENNESSY: TRUMP! Baby! Tell me about all that dirty court action you've been getting into, all the dirty details!
TRUMP: Okay, but only because I want to have sex with you! So like I said, I was worried about it for a bit. But I had a chat with my good buddy Ben. Shapiro, and he handed me an album, uh, it's called Toxicity.
TAPPER: Shit, System of a Down?
TRUMP: Yeah, that's right Fake News Jake. So I was listening to uh, Prison Song. It's the first track on the album. And I thought to myself, if we convict everyone who's done a crime, we're gonna have to build more prisons. And if we build more prisons, that's gonna piss Serj off, and if we piss off Serj he might not make any more music. And I think for the good of the world, I'm completely innocent.
TAPPER: Dana.
BASH, SLURRING: What's good slime?
TAPPER: We uh, we've gotta shut the debate down.
BASH, SLURRING: Says who, bitch?
TAPPER: Anderson Cooper.
BASH, SLURRING: Shit, you know Anderson Cooper? He's like the hottest guy with the wittiest one-liners, I just wished he weren't gaaaaay, ya know? And why is he butting in and telling us to shut this thing off, man?
TAPPER: I mean, one of our candidates is asleep on the floor and the other is talking about how Serj Tankian is his man crush. The network's trying cut its losses by just shutting it off now.
BASH, SLURRING: Well tell Coop to go FUCK himself, because I'm gonna go fuck his biggest nightmare on national television! [flashes herself to Trump] Hey Donny! Come here baby!
TAPPER: Aaand my co-host is also.. rather out of it and about to have a one-night stand with Trump! [vomits in mouth] Oh, man, the execs are not going to be happy with that. Well everyone, I'm Jake Tapper and this has been the 2024 presidential debate. You uh, you all have a good night now. I am, I am going to kill myself. Just uh, just read the UnNews article. It's a lot funnier.
BASH, OFFSCREEEN AND SLURRING: WHOOOOO! C'mon bro, lighten up! You gotta believe in yourself! That's why I haven't let you tap my ass!
Offscreen sounds of zippers and other activities that CNN chose not to mention for the kids being forced by their parents to watch
TRUMP, OFFSCREEN: Alright, more free pussy! And you're so much hotter than slutty Stormy Daniels, just don't tell Melania, wanna work for my own news agency instead of with Fake News Jake and Anderson Cooper?
TAPPER: JUST SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF!