UnNews:Nigel Farage asked nicely to stop lifting children

25 September 2025

The view from the perspective of the infant that Nigel's just dropped

Blubberhouses, England -- Boris Johnson has politely joined calls from opposition parties, including the Labour Party led by ... whoever leads them at the moment, I appear to have forgotten, for Nigel Farage to stop lifting children. In a statement, he has gone on to call specifically on whoever the Prime Minister is to stop his daily routine appointing people with a rather problematic history of emails to focus instead on placing a two-child lifting limit on Nigel Farage.

Nigel Farage has responded to the revelation that the retired professional under-18s rugby player, and ex-Prime Minister, has joined these calls by calling Johnson a hypocrite. "He just doesn't want me to lift his kids," Farage disappointingly told whoever had the misfortune to hear him this time, "but I'm taking back control of lifting his seventy-thousand illegitimate children." Johnson was heard making a very annoyed noise, however nobody could quite work out what he was blabbering on about.

Police forces have reacted to the incident with decisive action against the children involved. "They shouldn't be around prominent figures so menacingly," one police constable told us on the phone while driving, "they're asking for it really." Thames Valley Police offered to arrest the children to "prevent any further harassment of Mr. Farage", however is unable to do so as most of their officers are currently hospitalised with Victorian diseases from polluted drinking water.

"Hold on, this is my other girlfriend's house..."

GB News, a reputable and impartial, if underdog, rival to UnNews, has run with the story. Their programme claimed that the children involved "un-British" 167 times over the course of a three-hour programme presented by Nigel Farage, which attained a record viewership of three at one point. Ofcom responded to the 3,740,184 complaints about this programme by stating that they had "very stringent guidelines against impartiality," and that they were "absolutely not listening to the type of person who has the time and energy to actually write complaints to us, you sad, sad people."

The Prime Minister responded to these comments, by stating that he intended on doing absolutely nothing whatsoever and that his priorities lay with making sure as many swing voters disliked him as physically possible rather than governing the country. We can't further access the details of these very boring comments at this time because the website that published them is subject to the Online Doxx Yourself Act, and therefore encourage you to check back with us in the autumn of 2043.

Boris Johnson went onto mock Nigel Farage's centrist Deform UK party, which seems to have been motivated by the defection of literally every Conservative you've ever heard of or who ever existed in the last twenty-five seconds to Deform UK. An official Deform UK source yawned when asked for a comment on Boris Johnson's recent intervention, before handing a child for Nigel Farage to lift up.

Sources

• Rowena Mason "Boris Johnson says Farage’s stance on Russia is ‘extremely dangerous’" The Guardian, 25 September 2025