UnNews:Keir Starmer announces plans for new data harvesting scheme

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Saturday, September 27, 2025

London, ENGLAND -- Addressing the Global Progress Action Summit, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Keir Starmer announced yesterday that in the forthcoming months compulsory national digital ID will be mandatory in order to work on British soil. According to the Labour leader, this will somehow augment the burden faced by the gradually increasing boatloads of migrants sailing across the Channel. He has since gone on to reaffirm that every employed British citizen will require the scanning of digital ID cards in order to do anything in the country ranging from shopping for groceries to entering public toilets.

As well as placing a massive burden on the shoulders of desperate migrants wanting to seek employment in the UK, Tony Blair – wait, sorry – Keir Starmer's government has proposed these digital ID cards also provide a comprehensive wanking history to authorities, employers and co-workers. Sir Keir's top priority has been to prevent the British public from readily obtaining pornographic material via the data harvesting of the proletarians who dare edge pending his premiership. The prime minister implemented the Online Doxx Yourself Act in July as a consequence of the Goonergate scandal during which members of his cabinet were dismissed as undercover raging hardcore Latina porn aficionados.

Even so, his pretext for this veto has morphed from "think of the children" to "stop the boats" within a matter of months. For that one might have to thank the Prince of Darkness.

Sources

• Kate Whannel "New digital ID will be mandatory to work in the UK" BBC News, September 26, 2025