User:Orangutang94/Eli Manning
| No. 10 | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Master derp |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
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| Height: | 6-foot-5 |
| Weight: | 218 lbs of derpy dad bod |
| Career information | |
| College: | Ol' Miss |
| NFL Draft: | 2004 / Round: 1 / Pick: 1 |
| Career history | |
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| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
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| Career NFL statistics | |
| Pro Bowls: | A few here and there |
| Honors: | Herp |
| TD: | Derp |
| INT: | Di-derp-derp |
| Derp level: |  |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
“I'm Eli Manning
I'm nice
Tom Brady's the goat?
PSYCHE!
I beat him TWICE!”– Eli Manning dropping his flow
Elisha Nelson "Derp" Manning is a goofball who was a quarterback in the National Football League for the New York Giants his entire career. Despite his derpiness, which would extend from his daily life into the first three quarters of any game, he somehow morphed into a god in the fourth quarter on a routine basis. This secret ability was what allowed him to become one of only two mortals to ever tame the Goat lord Tom Brady and make him his bitch. In fact, Manning was the only one in history to do it TWICE. To this day, Brady still shivers and wets his pants every time the name "Eli Manning" is brought up.
Following his retirement, Manning is now a goofball commentating for Monday Night Football with his brother Peyton Manning on an "alternate" broadcast for those seeking refuge from the voice of Joe Buck.
Upbringing[edit | edit source]
Born in the same land as Bobby Boucher, AKA Louisiana, Eli was the youngest son of the (un)luckiest good quarterback in the NFL, Archie Manning, who was stuck toiling away on the NFL's equivalent to the Mud Dogs in the New Orleans 'Aints. Eli lived a simple life with brothers Peyton and Cooper.
Eli apparently also loves rocket pops.
Career[edit | edit source]
After playing at Ol' Miss, the San Diego Chargers had dibs on the first pick. Seeing that Eli was related to both Peyton and Archie, the Chargers thought that drafting a Manning would bring them to the promised land, especially after whiffing on Peyton and landing Ryan Leaf, a pouty, entitled douche who sucked at life.
Eli must have figured out San Diego was not a good place for pouty douches, so he complained and whined and refused to go there, thinking there were too many sharks in the water. After a whiney hissy fit, San Diego caved to his tantrum and agreed to send him to the New York Giants in exchange for Philip Rivers.
Post Football career[edit | edit source]
Eli Manning has embraced his derpiness post-retirement, going on to host the Manningcast with Peyton and compete with Danny DeVito for who can sell the most Jersey Mike's subs.
