UnVoyage:Oakville, Ontario

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Oakville, Ontario.

Congratulations on deciding to visit the exciting and thrilling city of Oakville, Ontario! Oakville is one of Canada's most wealthy and affluent cities. If you choose to visit here you can prepare yourself for a snobbish experience filled with overpriced goods and services.

History

Oakville was created as a place for Ontario to put their uber-wealthy so that everyone else wouldn't have to deal with them.

Get In

The best way to get here is by driving, because let's be real, who would want to fly into Toronto and then endure an additional hour on public transit to get to Oakville? And don't even think about trying to take the GO Train - it's slow, overpriced, and always crowded with rude commuters who blast their terrible music on the train.

But let's be honest, the real reason you'll want to drive is because of the legendary traffic in Toronto. It's not uncommon for it to take hours to get from one side of the city to the other, and the drivers are notoriously aggressive and rude. So why not skip all that stress and just drive straight to Oakville, where the roads are (slightly) less congested and the drivers are (slightly) less aggressive? Just make sure you have plenty of time and patience, because finding a parking spot in Oakville can be a real nightmare. In fact, the only thing more scarce in Oakville then parking is actual things to do!

The Oakville Parking Authority being the Oakville Parking Authority. Remember kids, it's ok when they do it but when you do it you can expect a massive ticket!

And in the rare event that you do find parking, make sure to do everything you can to incur the wrath of Oakville's parking enforcement, who will jump at the chance to ticket you for even the most minor infractions.

Get Around

Once you've made it to Oakville, you'll probably want to explore all that the city has to offer. Good luck with that, because despite being one of the most affluent cities in Canada, Oakville has a grand total of zero public transportation options. Your best bet is to either rent a car (if you can find one, that is) or beg a local for a ride. And if you do manage to find a car, be prepared to deal with Oakville's notoriously aggressive drivers, particularly middle-aged women behind the wheel of their Porsche Cayennes.

And don't even think about trying to walk or bike anywhere - Oakville's roads are notoriously treacherous, and it's not uncommon for pedestrians and cyclists to be run over by SUV-driving housewives on their way to spin class. In fact, the only thing more dangerous than walking or biking in Oakville is trying to find a parking spot. The city's parking is notoriously scarce and overpriced, and it's not uncommon for people to spend hours circling the city looking for a spot. So if you do manage to find a ride, make sure you have a designated driver, because you'll probably be too drunk from the frustration of trying to find a parking spot to drive yourself home.

Do

There's not much to do in Oakville, but that's probably for the best since you'll probably be too busy trying to find a parking spot or a place to sit at one of the city's many overpriced coffee shops.

If you're feeling adventurous, you can visit the Oakville Place Mall, where you can spend hours wandering aimlessly through the same chain stores that you can find in any other city.

Or if you're in the mood for some fresh air, you can visit Bronte Creek Provincial Park, where you can enjoy a leisurely hike through the woods before returning to the city to sit in traffic for hours.

If you're feeling really ambitious, you can visit the Erchless Estate, which is Oakville's answer to a "cultural attraction." Just be prepared to pay a small fortune for the privilege, and try not to get too annoyed at all the tourists taking selfies in front of the historic mansion.

Buy

You have two options in Oakville. You can go to Oakville Place and enjoy the previously mentioned overpriced retail experience or you can go to Kerr Street, otherwise known as Oakville's Ghetto, and brave the guys asking you for cigarette money so that you can get something that actual human beings can afford.

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