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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 26: Hyperbole Day!

1764 - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing! Not like I'd tell you, though.
1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever. Aside from the racism.
1983 - The worst day in the history of the universe, God himself mourns. (Pictured)
1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting! Good job, Mr. President! Let the void take you!
2016 - The best night I've ever had. Ever! It felt so good! Say goodbye to cats!

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Picture of the day

The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.

Image credit: Mosquitopsu
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 37,648 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.