Hindley

Hindley, occasionally referred to as The Bog of Souls, The Moist Expanse of Regret, or That Place You Pass on the Train and Wonder About, is a settlement of approximately 28,000 residents, 27,000 of whom are considered “damned” and the remaining 1,000 “pending review.” Its motto, “We Tried Our Best, Honestly,” was adopted in 1983 after the previous motto, “Please Stop Leaving,” was deemed too desperate.

The town is internationally renowned for its thriving micro‑industries, including:

• Barber shops that only know one haircut
• Vape merchants who cater specifically to underage markets
• Bonkers!™, the region’s premier illegal Russian cola distributor, known for its slogan: “It’s Probably Safe.”

Geography

Hindley is situated on land once described by Roman surveyors as “unpleasantly squishy.” The soil composition is 40% peat, 30% despair, and 30% miscellaneous substances that geologists refuse to classify.

The town is divided into several districts:

• North Hindley, home to the famous Wall‑Staring Arena.
• South Hindley, where the fog is legally considered a resident.
• Hindley‑on‑Hindley, a suburb built entirely out of recycled Hindley.

History

Classical Era

Archaeologists uncovered a stone tablet reading “Stay clear of the valley of ill men” in Elvish, suggesting early civilizations attempted to warn future generations of the dangers this accursed soil would bring. These warnings were ignored, as is tradition.

The curse placed by Grognar of Finland, following an altercation involving a chicken poking him in the left eye, is widely considered the town’s foundational moment. The farmer who owned the chicken contracted skin failure several weeks after the curse was placed upon the land and died.

The Norman Conquest

In 1066, Harold had a rather large tiff with Willy the Bastard and the knockoff Harold (Rebranded as Harald to avoid copyright infringement) from Norway. After swiftly fucking knockoff Harold over, Harold and his three and a half remaining soldiers briefly visited Hindley, mistaking it for a rest stop. Upon encountering a frog of “unsettling girth,” they immediately left, marking the first recorded instance of Hindley’s famous Visitor Repulsion Effect.

Hindley’s timeline is known to skip inconvenient centuries. Residents simply woke up one morning to find it was 2014, shrugged, and carried on.

Sanity-otorium

A recent image of the Market Street Sanity-otorium.

The Market Street Sanity‑otorium (Patent Pending) houses individuals known only as Extra‑Hindleys, who exhibit symptoms such as:

• Spontaneous baldness
• Pyromaniacal tendencies limited to birthday candles
• The ability to speak only in riddles about bus timetables

The facility’s motto is “We Contain What Should Not Be Free."

Currency

Hindley’s currency system is notoriously unstable. Accepted forms of payment include:

• LSD (the currency, not the chemical… allegedly)
• Alcoholic beverages of any viscosity
• The Zamundese Shijn, exchange rate determined by lunar phases
• Firstborn children (non‑refundable)

Politics

A rather flattering caricature of George Budgiesmuggler.

The town is governed by Supreme Dickhead Chancellor George Budgiesmuggler, leader of the United Hamster Party. His administration is known for:

• Mandatory stamp‑licking tournaments
• The annual “Try Not to Panic” parade
• Policies written exclusively in crayon

Other political parties include:

• The Mint Ball Party (Hindley Division)
• The Bald Men Association
• People For The Ethical Treatment of People (PETP), which has no members.
• The Karen Party, which has too many.

Culture

Hindley’s cultural traditions are rich and confusing:

• Wall‑Staring is considered a meditative art form.
• The Festival of Mild Concern is celebrated every April, during which residents gather to collectively shrug.
• The Library Quest challenges citizens to locate who the fuck asked.

Notable Residents

• John
• The J. Bizzle, who once claimed to have invented the concept of Tuesdays. (Completely unrelated to the musician Lethal Bizzle.)
• Gerald, who technically doesn't live in Hindley, but eh, he's close enough.
• The Guy Who Asked for This Article, whose identity remains shrouded in mystery and poor life choices.

Modern Issues

Hindley faces several ongoing challenges:

• A pigeon overpopulation crisis caused by residents feeding them motivational quotes.
• A sinkhole that formed after someone asked, “How much worse can it get?”
• A mysterious fog that whispers unsolicited advice.