Dr. Leonard McCoy
“I'm Dead, Jim!”
Doctor Leonard "Bones" McCoy was "just an old country doctor" on the starship Enterprise under the command of Captain James T. Kirk. Dammit Jim! We cannot stress enough that he is a doctor, not a bricklayer or a penguin or a noun, but a doctor. Jim seems to think otherwise.
Tenure on the Enterprise[edit | edit source]
McCoy was the Enterprise's chief medical officer, often finding himself playing nursemaid to some strange alien creature or an escaped criminal when they were carted into sickbay. But dammit, he was doctor! He was perhaps most well-known for his anti-Vulcan bigotry, particularly against the half-Vulcan, Spock. Considering how many other southerners seem to be more bigoted towards members of their own species (such as black people or Jews or women), McCoy's own distrust towards Spock would be more easily condoned were it not for the fact that Spock is supremely awesome.
Dr. McCoy was also extremely bigoted towards Tribbles, but since Tribbles are the most terrifying thing in existence, this hatred is completely justified.
He was also prone to suddenly taking a contrary stance on the random and mundane actions of his fellow crewmen. Examples included:
- Walking through a door. ("Dammit, man! That thing's gonna crush you like a melon!")
- Taking a drink of water. ("Are you out of your mind? Have you tested that stuff for poison?")
- Locking the door to one's quarters. ("Well, what'll you do if there's a fire and you can't wake up!? Who'll save you then?!")
- Shaking more than twice. ("You'll go blind, you crazy fool!")
- Encountering someone else boarding an elevator he is on. ("Well, isn't it lucky for you we just happen to be... going your way?")
Life After the Enterprise[edit | edit source]
After many wacky and fun-filled adventures on the Enterprise, Dr. McCoy retired to Myrtle Beach, where he spends his time drinking Coronas and getting back massages from Nurse Chapel, and on occasion driving around a golf cart whilst ordering his Latino gardeners around, yelling "Dammit I'm wealthy, not some working bozo!.
Other people say that he is actually dead, but these people are not cool, and therefore should be totally ignored.
Dr. McCoy's Speech Patterns[edit | edit source]
Dr. McCoy completely lacks originality and is, therefore, prone to using the same phrases over and over to that the point that he becomes annoying. These phrases include:
- "Are you out of your Vulcan mind, you pointy eared Hobgoblin!?!?"
- "He's dead, Jim."
- "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor not a________!"
This last phrase is always best accompanied by the lists below, which have been taken from Dr. McCoy's pocket when he was at a country club watching several teenage girls in bikinis play volleyball.
A list of things that Dr. McCoy is[edit | edit source]
- A doctor
A list of things that Dr. McCoy is not[edit | edit source]
- Moon shuttle conductor
- Engineer
- Mechanic
- Scientist
- Physicist
- Magician
- Miracle worker
- Bricklayer
- Coal miner
- Escalator
- Officer of the line
- Flesh peddler
- Romancer of the elderly
- Gandhi
- Necro-erotic porn-hating machine-gun artist
- Approved for internal use
- The Real McCoy
- Psychiatrist... oops, wait, he is.
Things that Dr. McCoy claims not to be, but really is[edit | edit source]
- A maker of overused catch-phrases
- Unoriginal
- A green-blooded, pointy eared hobgoblin
Dr. Arschebaum + Dr. Demento + Dr. Doom + Dr. Dre + Dr. Duke + Dr. Eggman + Dr. Eminent + Dr. Feelgood + Dr. Fox + Dr. Frankestein + Dr. Holliday + Dr. House + Dr. Kellogg + Dr. Koop + Dr. Lecter + Dr. Loo + Dr. Malcom + Dr. Manplayer + Dr. McCoy + Dr. No + Dr. Oz + Dr. Pepper + Dr. Phil + Dr. Rabbit + Dr. Ruth + Dr. Salk + Dr. Salvador + Dr. Sbaitso + Dr. Seuss + Dr. Stone + Dr. Strange + Dr. Strangelove + Dr. Shatterjaw + Dr. Who + Dr. Whoopass + Dr. Wily + Dr. Wussow + Dr. Worthington + Dr. X + Dr. Xing + Dr. Yamak + Dr. Zhivago + Dr. Zoidberg + One Out of Ten Drs. + The Dr.
