CNN
“You are fake news”
– Donald Trump, 45th President of the United States and Guinness World Record holder for World's Biggest Balls on CNN
CNN is a Atlantan multinational propaganda news channel that is primarily watched by liberals, progressives and other types of people. This network is available only in Atlanta, Georgia. Following the BBC, CNN has made a big advance in the reporting field. They have reporters in the walls and trees, which is not the case at the BBC. They have also a rivalry with Fox News that resulted in a shootout on January 6th, 2021.
Early years[edit | edit source]
Their breakthrough was immediate when the US government decided to broadcast a program for the deaf. It was later discovered that CNN title cards are created by monkeys. CNN was originally created as a joke, and was intended for aliens, as well as those who get high often. With a groundbreaking team of just one worker, they successfully launched their first documentary: "Help Me, I'm Out Of Ideas And It Seems Out Of This World".
Public interpretation[edit | edit source]
CNN has often been under the attacks of many. In one example, a would-be assassin fired a weapon towards CNN's studio building, but accidentally struck a nearby clown. Some weeks later, a bomb which was intended for CNN staff ended up being thrown into the sewers instead, because the man who threw the bomb felt pity for it. That day CNN was closed because of the awful smell of the sewers.
CNN special guests[edit | edit source]
Unlike Jerry Springer, who insisted his guests just signed up on their own, CNN does things differently. They literally drug people in the streets before pulling them in for an interview. Britney Spears was supposed to be a special guest on CNN, but things took a turn the night before. She became so intoxicated that an ambulance had to be called, and she was hospitalised for mental health issues right before the interview was supposed to happen. CNN is also basically guilty of crimes against humanity for what they did to Michael Jackson. I mean, they dragged him into the studio for a live broadcast unshaved and totally botox-free. It was brutal.
Beginnings[edit | edit source]
CNN was founded in 1932, when a family from Boston moved out of their 200-year-old house and left it to the local homeless. It eventually ended up in the hands of a man from New York who apparently sold it to another man for $22. CNN would later be sponsored by Jesus himself, who would give out millions of dollars to the network as a blessing. CNN's LCD displays are from secondhand stores, reserved for the local homeless but CNN got there first. In response to accusations that "They stole it! And from poor people!", CNN's top officials shrugged, scoffed and ran away.
Sponsorship[edit | edit source]
CNN's first sponsorship came from an eccentric billionaire known only by the name 'Jeff', who made a fatal mistake believing the network was Canadian and that CNN stood for 'Canadian News Network'. Having already invested $50 million into the company, he then demanded the network be shut down for offending Canadians, which of course CNN refused to comply with. He later discovered the network intentionally used the 'CNN' abbreviation in order to improve its SEO optimisation on Google and Bing, and not for any Canadian reasons whatsoever.
Some months after the first sponsorship, local police received a tip-off that hundreds of kilograms of cocaine were buried beneath CNN's offices, left there by Jeff. It later emerged he only made the investment in CNN so he could hide his stash there. Police were promptly bribed and sent on their way without any further questions. When the media frenzy reached a fever pitch, CNN released a statement claiming the stockpile was actually just flour to make ~39,000 donuts and there was no cause for alarm. Everything ended happily ever after.
Between the years 2005 - 2010, not a single solitary human being tuned in to CNN or any of its sister networks, sending executives into a frenzy. To make up for the loss in revenue, they turned the weather center into a full-time money laundering operation for local cartels.
To make your own donuts, please call 555-11134441144715358161618888177771926366199200462083777177171771771771829746926912762837 and ask for Jeff. Do not be concerned if the flour tastes funny.
Reporters[edit | edit source]
"Quest Means Business!" stars a guy who accepted a $5 payout to put his mug on TV and represent the ultimate American idiot. The reporter featured in the show - Becky Anderson - whose family has fleas, and to whom fleas are a family heritage, is in fact a well known whore from Wisconsin who was the cause of some diseases in her state such as Malaria, AIDS, Tripper, SARS, a Wisconsin plague of 1984, and was working illegally at CNN until 1999.
When CNN discovered she was working illegally, they added her to their official list of employees with three or more diseases (since having two or less isn't considered a threat). Eventually, they tried to get rid of her by shipping her off to Alaska to freeze to death for public safety, but she was ultimately executed by Anderson Cooper after testing positive for Syphilis.
It was later uncovered that one of CNN's chief reporters was a Cuban on a secret mission to destroy the American government through comedy, with his privately stated goal being to cause Congress to die of laughter. He was accused of releasing poisonous gases to the public via their television sets so they would laugh themselves silly.
