Canada (wine)

Canada is made from grapes; what more do I need to say? If you don't like wine, drink vodka. It's better for you anyway.

Canada is a variety of white wine. With a fragrant bouquet and a dry, mushy flavour, Canada is commonly purchased as a gift wine. It is attested to by some that the distinctive flavour of Canada is due to its high urea content, however the particular relationship is as yet unconfirmed. With the recent advent of olfactory automation, Canada has been genetically modified to appeal to the machine nose. While incredibly repulsive to the human sense, Canada is now one of the most pleasant indulgences of the mechanical set.

Canada is sometimes confused with the all consuming horde of parasitic insects of the same name (see Canada (Nation)). Efforts were underway to change the name of the state to something more fitting and unique, such as HappyLand, but the residents of Happy-land, South America debated their way to the UN to file a lawsuit against Canada copying their name. This change has created so many flame wars amongst Canadians that it is feared that the polar bears and dogsleds will soon need to relocate. Unfortunately, many Canadians are completely blind to the obvious fact that Toronto, as the most dilapidated part of the country (and the only part of the country that hasn't been overrun by the terrible menace of said parasitic insects), is soon to be destroyed by Queen arachnia, the spider witch.

Toronto is apparently the capital of Canada, except that Toronto is where the people of Canada go to try to pretend they are American. The real capital of Canada is a hidden city, and its location is known only by God.

History[edit | edit source]

Before we begin, you do know Canada isn't the United States right? It has no guns, violence, and personal freedoms (to use those guns to provide protection from violence created by commies, hippies, Cheney, you know who you are. The commies, hippies, etc, in turn, use their guns to protect themselves from you). A diminutive maple leaf is the subtle reminder that you are actually in Canada and not the United States.

In a completely unrelated note. William Shakespeare had a country house in Canada. There he wrote his notorious hit "Much adoo aboot noothin, eh?"

Canada has become a staple of house parties around the world. This is reflected in its slogan: "Canada: That shit fucks ya right up, eh?"

Also, the part of Canada that is most closely related to the United States is a province called "Quebec". This province is full of boy-hungry cannibals who like to eat tourists such as yourself. Sounds a lot like home, doesn't it?

Military[edit | edit source]

The Canadian military was founded in 1827 when Olie "The Goalie" Yannkin donated four horses, three canoes, and sixteen hockey pucks to what he dubbed as "The Great Northern Cause". The modern day Canadian military, attempting to catch up to the more sophisticated western powers now features over seven horses, eight canoes and well over 3000 hockey pucks.

Supporting the Canadian military, the city of Vancouver has a "9 o'clock gun", a cannon which fires the word "eh?" daily. At 9 o'clock. The sound, eh?, of the cannon scares the poop out of the U.S. embassy just down the street, the occupants of which truly believe that they are under attack. By Canadians.

Canada also has mercenary hockey teams which invade the Excited States of America regularly - without anyone in the E.S. of A. having any idea that it's happening - and steal all their gorgeous women by bribing them with shopping trips to Eaton's Centre in Tranna (aka Toe-ron-toe).

Famous People[edit | edit source]

Ben Cartwright; Captain James Tiberius Kirk, aka Denny Crane; Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott; Stanley Ipkiss; Dr. Raymond Stantz and Louis Tully; Casey Jean 'C.J.' Parker, aka Barbara 'Barb Wire' Kopetski