Australian Values

Australian values are a collection of things by and for which the Australian people live. Teasing kangaroos, throwing shrimps onto Barbie dolls, and guzzling Fosters while ruthlessly abusing aborignees are some examples of Australian Values.

Partying

Corey Delaney, Typical Australian

Partying is about number 3 on the list of things Australians care most about, right after crocodile tooth jewelry and taking care of baby joeys (known as baby kangaroos to the rest of the world). On this note, never, EVER ask an Australian to remove his sunglasses or hat while he is partying.

Croc Hunting

Crocodile Hunting is the primary pastime of Australians, right behind crocodile tooth jewelry and baby joey raising, as well as partying. Partying and croc hunting usually go hand in hand, however, and it is thus impossible to tell which activity is actually more popular. While engaging in this famed tradition, Australians are known to don khaki shorts and shout things like "jiminy-bum!" and "crikey!" while dodging the snapping jaws of a croc. Typically, a boat load of Australians drunk on Fosters will paddle up a delta in a small boat, hooting and cheering and singing pub songs until they spot a large, dangerous crocodile minding it's own business. They will then throw their Fosters cans at it and taunt it by urinating into the water and high fiving eachother. Inevitably, after enough taunting, they will jump in the water, wrestle the beast to the shore, and then each take turns putting their fingers up it's butt.

Repairing the Rabbit Fence

Look, we all know that Australia has this like, huge fence going across it to keep rabbits from humping or something. So it goes without saying that they spend plenty of time drinking Fosters and shaving with their huge knives out by the rabbit fence, just to make sure no rabbits have gotten around it somehow.

Making Fun of Aborigines

Australians feel as though they have not yet done enough to denigrate, enslave, and essentially terminate the Aboriginal people from their native land. Therefore much effort and importance is placed on humiliating them in public via practical jokes such as "sucker punch the Abo" and "dump water at the Aborigine businessman in the restaurant and call him an Abo"... If there ever was such a thing as an Aboriginal businessman.

It is considered good etiquette for an adult to bully any nearby Aborigine children and remind them that they are savages with bones in their noses. Making them cry is considered preferential, as the tears of the Aborigine child are said to not only have healing properties, but also attract kangaroos and crocodiles.

History of Australian Values

Australian values are obvious. Beer is Australia's one greatest legacy to the world, 

and it is said that this is in fact the livestock for which Australia lives.

Australia was one of the first countries to have equal rights for women which has lately been going backwards. John "dubya" Howard's quote "Violence towards women, Aussie says-if they deserve it."

This quote is widely thought of the reason for Howard being re elected. John "dubya" Howard has recently been accused of affairs with Peter Costello, who claims that Howard agreed to marriage nine years ago but hasn't kept his promise, which is un-Australian. Costello has been thinking about challenging Howard with divorce, but hasn't carried it through because rumours say Howard has been cheating on him with a certain chief justice of the Supreme Court. Costello demands half the cricket tickets, and a bed to share with Howard in Kirabillie House. Howard only has one thing to say to this....Intelligence says that George Bush is better hung then Peter Costello.

Other Values

Other Australian values include the following:

Vegemite

You have to love it. To foreigners it looks like shit, taste like shit, and smells like shit, making it the ideal Australia food. If a person is in Australia and they hate Vegemite, they will face the following:

• If an Australian citizen this person will be forced to give up their passport and forced to become a citizen of another country
  • The current country that people rejects are being forced to adopt is: Iraq
• Non-citizens are sent to Baxter Detention Centre and sent "home".
  • Non-Citizens Traitors are being sent to: Lebanon

AFL

Also called "Footy". An ok sport involving the kicking of a non round 'ball'. People can score even if they miss the goal (it is obvious that they were trying to get it in and people feel sorry that you have missed), it is called a point and is gained by kicking the ball through the two big posts separated by the entire width of the field.

• IMPORTANT NOTE: With the increase in popularity of Soccer the punishment for not liking this is only 6525 days in the stocks

Government Stuff

Another Australian value is partial apathy in government. Most people don't really care about voting but they have to get up on a Sunday Morning instead of sleeping in to vote so they don't get a $10 fine.

• There is no punishment for taking an interest in Government, unless it isn't for the Liberals

Strine Lingo

Strine, also known as Australian English or Occa, should be understood. A few useful terms are:

• Bogan: A really cool person
  • Should be used whenever possible
• Shiela: the name of ALL Stryine shielas.
• Be-er: How to spell beer.
  • Note, XXXX is commonly used in Queensland
• South Australia: The Mexico of Australia

Note that although "rooting" has a different meaning, Australians encourage Amerisians to use it in the USAian term.

Chances of Citizenship

If you understand all the above, and a few extra like a hatred of Victorians in South Australia, or intolerance in the state of Cronulla, you should be fine.

Although, the following should be noted. If you can do the following...

• Fluently speak English and three other languages
• Have a degree in Rocket Science or Brain Surgery
• Been offered a job in a University
• Use big words

... you will not be let into the country because you have broken the most important Australian value- dumbness, (or using the Dept. of Immigration term, a Smart-arse.)

NB. It is still a requirement that all people intending to settle in Australia must have a criminal record.

  AustraliaSo where the bloody hell are you?