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MUAHAHAHA!

You have been raped. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 21:14, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

I love it when the news comes together

June 25th, 2009 • Issue 53 • The newspaper that steals other newspapers' lunch money

Users Campaign to Delete Vast Portions of Uncyclopedia By Gerrycheevers Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions. First on the chopping block was the Timeline series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny. Dr. Skullthumper has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist Gwax made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the timeline, and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project. Next in line for the guillotine was Uncyclopedia's longest-running and only soap opera, The Young and the Uncyclopedians. At the head of this movement is prominent murderous amphibian Thekillerfroggy, who made such bold claims as "Vanity, sir!" and "Words words words!" As this project is not merely a page but an entire slew of pages, it was rejected by the Uncyclopedia Deletion Tribunal, but further actions may be in the works. When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!" Usefulness of IP Contributions Called Into Question...Again By Gerrycheevers The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder Guildensternenstein. UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to Chuck Norris. The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. Modusoperandi, the lead counsel for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because Conservapedia doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are. When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"

Check out these pages! Ledddy calls for more reminiscence The counting goes horribly, horribly wrong THIS JUST IN THIS JUST OUT From our logs: 01:41, 24 June 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 66.109.20.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Dex is all like BAN HIM and I'm like OKAY DEX) 00:18, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Do you see my penis? Here, I'll pull it out! LOOK AT IT DANGLE, FAGGOT!) 00:17, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) resurrected Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) ‎ (wrng "a"gn) 00:16, 21 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (NO MORE MR. NICEGUY) Biopic of the Week "How has the UnSignpost never run a biopic on So So?", you might ask. "I mean, his userpage is somewhere between confusing and disturbing, but the guy's a comedic genius! His writings are classic!", you might continue. You might even mention that he was nommed for WotM for about half a year in 2007 before finally winning the thing. Well, you might be interested in reading this week's UnSignpost, and then you might look into shutting up. Old School FA of the Week The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere save for a select few unclaimed square inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean and Belgium (but nobody gives a crap about Belgium.) The United Nations is working on this problem even as you read this.

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We're not late you're just high!    Orian57    Talk   15:19 30 June 2009

UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

You'd be crazy not to listen!

July 2nd, 2009 • Issue 54 • The newspaper with the name that's an anagram of "stop using n"

The Young and The Uncyclopedians Cancelled By Gerrycheevers After enjoying a long-running career and several writer changes, Uncyclopedia's fabled soap opera The Young and the Uncyclopedians was cancelled this week. And by "cancelled" we mean totally owned by Thekillerfroggy. It seems TKF finally had enough, and spent nearly an hour systematically deleting the entire series, which previously contained over 60% of all content in the UnScripts namespace. The newly freed electrons, no longer required for TYATU, can now be used for other Uncyclopedia-related tasks, such as boron smelting, and they may even be used to form a sort of crude bot that can edit The count to a million project automatically. Not content with merely obliterating the entire series, Thekillerfroggy apparently became bored halfway through his holy crusade, and decided to get creative in the deletion summaries. As can be seen in a memorial erected by what is presumed to be a jilted fan of the show, TKF nostalgized and ranted, remembered and forgot, loved and lost, all while expressing his inner thoughts through the medium of deletion summaries. An example can be seen at the very end of his effort, where Thekillerfroggy writes: "Sigh./Well here's the home stretch/It's been real/We've had some good times/some bad times/But in the end/All we are is dust in the wind/So goodnight, sweet prince/Farewell TYATU/Fin." Reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users held a candlelight vigil in userspace, where some of the episodes have been resurrected in a zombie-like form. Entertainment editor DogNewspaper (pictured) wagged his tail, perhaps expressing hope that one day a new soap opera, sitcom, or crime investigation show featuring Uncyclopedia editors would once again grace this site. We can only dream... Main Page Suffers Spasms of Dickery By Gerrycheevers If you logged onto the Main Page sometime on July 2nd between 2:00 and 3:00 GMT (and if you can't figure out what time that is where you live, then don't expect us to provide it for you, we're not a bloody watch!), you may have noticed some subtle changes. Instead of the usual Wikipedia-like format, with carefully organized features, news stories, anniversaries, and vital information, you may or may not have found...something else. You may or may not have found an intruiging offer to reffer freinds to take some sort of mp3-player related actions. You may or may not have found some sort of story with a vague theme of respecting one's elders, and everything about those elders, and we do mean everything. You may or may not have found some sort of strange mix of the two that left you with conflicting feelings. These feelings may or may not have included, but not been limited to: fear, anger, jealousy, confusion, fear again, and a vague sensation of falling. The admins responsible for this will not be named here, due to their next probable course of action in the case in which we did mention them, which would most likely be something along the lines of turning every UnSignpost issue into a Euroipod, whatever that is. The only thing we can report on is that the shenanigans ended just over an hour after they began, with the Main Page being restored to its previous false information-rich state. However, this episode shows us that it will never be safe from the hijinks of that group of admins, who, again, will not be named.

Check out these pages! HowTo: Get Banned for a Day Serious, on-topic discussion More voting for things! From our logs: 12:34, 26 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Gotlegginh (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(please enjoy our complimentary fuck the hell off) 21:18, 26 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 seconds ‎(Non-kosher edits to Woody's meatpage) 08:35, 29 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.78.127.159 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(I is an 8 year old from the UK with super admin powerz, fuck you) 11:49, 1 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 222.153.106.69 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(I think you'll find it is you who fail. and not even epically either - just with a bit of a whimper.) Biopic of the Week Lovable Wikia dictator Sannse has settled in rather well in the Uncyclopedia Community. She is a double Hall of Shame member, and she recently took home the coveted Uncyclopedian of the Month award for her work in making things behind the scenes to run smoothly, which we take it means that she is very good at regulating the caffeine intake of the hamsters that run on the wheels that power Uncyclopedia. Her typical reaction to watermelon jokes is summed up on the right. Old-School Featured Article of the Week HowTo:Cheat At Scrabble is an informative guide to consistently winning via questionable means that most enjoyable of letter-arranging games, Scrabble. Fake dictionaries, fake online dictionaries, fake tiles, and octopi are just a few of the diverse methods one can utilize in order to gain a distinctly unfair advantage while playing the game. This Week in Uncyc, 1776 While the American colonies and the British Empire were not quite getting along, the corresponding members of Uncyclopedia were also having a bit of a flamewar. Prominent British users subtly edited the article on America to include a fictional fourteenth colony called West Wankerton, and American admins reacted by banning the drinking of any tea-related beverages in the Uncyclopedia break room. In the end, both sides agreed to a truce due to the massively impressive fireworks show, which was a Fourth of July tradition. The truce basically entailed both entities cooperation in the vandalism of the article on France.

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 19:06, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 9th July 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

You'd be crazy not to listen!

July 9th, 2009 • Issue 55• Help! I'm trapped in a newspaper printer!

Survivor returns to Uncyclopedia after almost two years By THEDUDEMAN, with additional reporting by An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays In late 2007, a man by the name of Leoispotter had the idea to bring his favorite reality show to Uncyclopedia. Thus, the first season of UnSurvivor was created. After five thrilling rounds of voting, Mr. Briggs Inc. managed to win against the other finalist, Thekillerfroggy, by a mere two votes. Flash forward almost two years. Kingkitty, a competitor in the first UnSurvivor, decides it's time for another go-around, and season 2 is born. In an exclusive interview with Mr. Kitty, he had this to say: "Well, I was bored ("and crazy", says one passing by civilian) and I thought: 'perhaps the community could do something fun, and stop with all this writing bullshit.'" When later asked what he thought about this current season, he said, "It's showing to be bigger and better than last season, with more betrayals, more violence, more whining, and more betrayals. Lots of betrayals. Mostly of me." Currently, UnSurvivor Season 2 is in its final round of voting, where the voted-off members of the game get to vote on the finalist they want to win. The finalists this season are: after last seasons defeat, Thekillerfroggy, and newcomers to the show, THEDUDEMAN and An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays. Voting is set to take place over 72 hours instead of the usual 24, and the winner will be announced sometime Friday July 10th. After this, according to Mr. Kitty, there "probably" will be a season 3, and it will be bigger and better than anything ever before. Uncyclopedians pay crass tasteless tribute to Michael Jackson By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Michael Jackson, the legendary King of Pop, touched many lives, and the news of his untimely demise has left a deep void in the lives of his millions of fans and victims. Fans all over Uncyclopedia, stricken by grief, flocked by the dozens to mourn their departed hero in the only way they knew how: through the medium of humour. They ranged from perfunctory to crude to mediocre, but each expressed a deeply profound sadness that the weird plastic rapist was no more. (Yeah, "weird plastic rapist". That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.) Tributes continue to pour in despite the fact that it is no longer funny or clever. With the stage set for a long, protracted battle over his kids and estate, Uncyclopedia expects that unfunny people will continue to get mileage out of this story for many weeks to come. Uncyclopedia admins plan to send a selection of the best "tributes" to the Jackson family, along with the number of a company that recycles plastics. (That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.) Editors emerge from woodwork, contribute to UnSignpost By Gerrycheevers This week, when UnSignpost Active Editor Gerrycheevers brought up the Uncyclopedia page containing the currently in-progress UnSignpost, he suffered a minor heart attack upon finding that two stories had already been added to the paper. It seems both An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays and THEDUDEMAN, both newly given the title "Consulting Editor", took exception to being named "Consulting Editor" and took it upon themselves to blanket the UnSignpost with awesomeness. Unsignpost Payroll Manager DogNewspaper (pictured) bared his teeth at this development, indicating his frustration at having to re-issue new timecards to both editors. Gerrycheevers is expected to make a full recovery; flowers can be sent to the Uncyclopedia Infirmary and Shooting Range.

Check out these pages! The second round of the Uncyclopedia Music Awards! 4.252.99.182 HAS BEEN FOUND! Uncyclopedians trying to workout From our logs: 23:02, 7 July 2009 Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) blocked Spang (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 500 days ‎(testing, I haven't done this in a while) 09:26, 7 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.178.213.53 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) ‎(In fact, here is our complimentary "welcome to uncyclopedia & fuck off" package. Have a nice day.) 00:36, 6 July 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked The Woodburninator (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 191 seconds ‎(You ain't no ban magnet. But I can help you become one. By banning you, that is.) Biopic of the Week Now missing for over 18 months, it's time to send the search party out for ENeGMA. If the userbox on his user page is accurate, then his 250,000+ edits mean that he has created virtually all of the content on Uncyclopedia. While that isn't quite true, he has produced some classically awesome articles, and we wish he'd come back and play. Quote of the Week <TheLedBalloon> well, my parents were like, son, we're going to make meatloaf tonight <TheLedBalloon> and I was like <TheLedBalloon> shit yeah <TheLedBalloon> you know <TheLedBalloon> I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOAF <Shaggy-Rogers> EVEN BLOW YOUR LOAD ON YOUR MOM'S FACE =-= Mode #uncyclopedia +o TheLedBalloon by ChanServ =-= Shaggy-Rogers was booted from #uncyclopedia by TheLedBalloon (2 dads) =-= Mode #uncyclopedia -o TheLedBalloon by TheLedBalloon Old-School Featured Article of the Week A Handgun is a non-lethal weapon that has been in use for over 150 years. As adaptable as it is safe, the Handgun can fire many different kinds of bullets, which each require different distinct noises such as "pchoo!". Advantages include an infinite amount of ammunition and the lack of a necessity to reload. Attempts at Handgun regulation have proven pointless at best. This Week in Uncyc, 658 AD With the Dark Ages in full swing, Uncyclopedia tried to lighten the mood with a contest that urged users to photoshop a humorous image involving a priest, a monk, and a nun. Since the most advanced photoshop technology at the time still consisted of using paint to draw on canvas, not a single entry was completed by the two-week deadline. However, prominent Uncyclopedian John Smith continued his work far past the deadline, and after eight months submitted an image of a waterskiing nun, which became Uncyclopedia's first featured image.

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9001(bot)  22:06, Jul 9

UnSignpost: July 16nd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

July 16th, 2009 • Issue 56 • This is a Pathetic Joke

User Return Causes Widespread Panic By Gerrycheevers This week noted user An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays returned to the wiki, and immediately rendered that return "triumphant". However, other users are beginning to feel the effects of the presence of this primate whose quantum mechanical properties dictate that he be only during certain periods of the week. This incident left onlookers shocked, and worrying if something similar could happen to them. Not since the return of a scantily-clad Olipro has this website seen such a display of sheer terror mixed with complete confusion (and in the case of Olipro, a bit of curious arousal mixed in). The aforementioned incident involved one user who had AATOEOT embedded in his dreams. Most curiously, this episode seems to have happened on a Friday night, a time period when an An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays should decidedly not exist. Nearly a week has passed without further disruptions, although that may be partially due to Ape's ban after being kicked off of the Uncyclopedia island during a rousing game of Uncyclopedia Survivor. Regardless of the reasons behind the strange occurrences, users should be sure to keep an eye out for strange occurrences on and off the wiki...particularly on Thursdays. Flood of Crap Nearly Overflows VFD By Gerrycheevers For the last few days, an explosion of nominations has inundated Uncyclopedia's waste removal system, Votes for Deletion. After a period of low activity, where there would typically be just a few to several nominations, things picked up last week. In the last few days, the situation has accelerated into what is being called by experts a "shit-ton" of undesirable content festering in the dark, unvisited corners of the wiki. Said undesirable content is currently being read, discussed, and dealt with accordingly, as is the usual procedure at the highly efficient VFD. Circumstances have escalated to the point of rattling a few relaxed admins. One such incident involved a user getting the customary one-day ban for increasing the active nomination count past twenty, when the user in question had, in fact, only increased the number of active noms to twenty. Owing to the normal tendency of the article count of VFD to stay in the low single digits lately, the lapse is certainly forgiveable, and was quickly corrected. Afterwards the two parties exchanged pleasantries and shared a S'Mores which was roasted over the open bonfire of newly deleted articles. Former poopsmith MrN9000 commented on the situation, saying, "Well you know I fancy the standards at VFD have improved significantly in recent times. Not so long ago it would often just be a quick "Short and Shit" vote from UU, and the latest stub was on for a huffing. These days we are spending more time voting on closer votes and are deleting much better articles than we used to! Something VFD is really proud of." In a final display of VFD patriotism, MrN added, "CHECK THE PAGE HISTORY BEFORE NOMINATING YOU BUGGERS!" Orian57 On Fire By Gerrycheevers Noted rainbow-colored user Orian57 has recently enjoyed a remarkable string of success (pictured on right). He has scored an unprecedented natural hat trick of features, with UnBooks:Daddy, There's a Zombie in the Garden, LazyTown, and UnScripts:Trapped at Sea reaching the front page on consecutive days. Not since the time of such legends as Savethemooses and The Thinker have such lofty VFH records been broken. Although in the case of STM, there were probably mitigating factors involved, like wooden articles rather than aluminum, or something. Or aluminium, that strange substance only found in England by mining thousands of millions of other strange occurences, such as referring to the trunk of a car as a "boot". This god-like spasm of awesomeness is fresh on the heels of Orian's Writer of the Month win in June of this year. Since the beginning of that month, he has seen six of his works grace the front page, and he shows no signs of slowing down. When reached for comment, he explained, "Well I suppose it's down to being fantastic. And unemployed. But mostly being fantastic." The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Orian on his recent spat of win, and express hopes he will continue the pattern well into the future.

Check out these pages! Some guy is trying to update Images... Hey look, a new game to play! Or is this business? UnBusiness!? Proof that Wikia hates us! From our logs: 09:27, 9 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a bouncer from Flintoff ‎(pre-emptive ban before you ban me for pickiness. your English > my Hebrew etc etc...) 20:38, 14 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Luvvy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎(Impersonating a girl. Perv.) 14:03, 16 July 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.186.81.136 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(you know Euthanasia might just be the thing you are looking for....) Biopic of the Week Known as the man of many signatures (most of them garish and spinning in some fashion), Mahm00shA has made quite the impression on Uncyclopedia since joining in February. His transcription of an interview with a cab driver in his native Egypt has earned him recognition as a writer, and his other useful qualities have earned him an Uncyclopedian of the Month nomination. Go 'moosh! Quote of the week [16:41] <Tayor> we're going to need a base to work from. [16:43] <Tayor> by 'we' I meann 'I' [16:43] <Tayor> and by 'are' I mean 'am' [16:43] <Tayor> and by 'work' I mean 'give blow jobs' In honour of The Ashes, it's: UU's classic cricket commentary of the week! "There's Tony Greig standing at second slip — legs wide apart, bending over, waiting for a tickle" - Brian Johnston. Of course, this simple piece of commentary should require no clarification, but any Americans, other foreigners, or chavs who don't understand the finer points of cricket can pop over to UU's talk page for a patronising explanation. Old-School Featured Article of the Week Martin Van Buren was the eighth President of the United States, a key figure in U.S. political development during the nineteenth century, and a total dick. While other legislators were busy dueling or being awesome in general, Van Buren spent his time practicing his douchebag skills and smelling of old people. He always argues about the stupidest things, and he refuses to ever admit he's wrong. And I'm never letting him borrow my car again. Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week The UnSignpost editors regret to announce the introduction of a new device, the "Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week". This box will be used to take up space on the right-hand side of the UnSignpost, an example of which you are currently experiencing. Look for this box to appear when a larger than usual number of stories on the left side of the UnSignpost and an impending end of the work day force the editors to make something up on the fly. This also offers opportunities to sneak trusted mascot DogNewspaper into the issue.

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:02, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 23rd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

July 23rd, 2009 • Issue 57 • The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...

Uncyclopedia Users Form Fantasy Football League By Gerrycheevers This week, several Uncyclopedians banded together under the leadership of one Guildensternenstein to form some sort of "Fantasy Football" organization. What exactly this entails is unclear, but it appears that the football- and soccer-related fantasies of the participating members will be carried out in the semi-private confines of the forums. Reactions were mixed to this development, with some users expressing emotions ranging from apathy to indifference. Others voiced concern about children, decency, and lewd public conduct. "My little boy came home today saying something about going to another boy's house to perform football fantasies!" said one outraged and confused mother. Regardless of the small amount of negative feedback, participants are eager to begin fantasizing about their favorite football players, such as David Beckham. Bradaphraser had this to say: "The Fantasy Football League is a chance for Uncyclopedians to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Uncyclopedia work and actually have some fun for a change. While I usually am busy with the administrating task of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, this gives users a chance to see me in a more relaxed state." "I fully expect that this venture will be just as successful as my recent run for the Presidency," continued Brad, "which I lost to Bradford Lyttle of the Pacifist party by a mere 110 votes. I fully expect to win one or possibly even two games in this upcoming season, assuming of course that a draft is eventually held." Said draft is scheduled to begin immediately, and assuming only a small portion of footballers flee to Canada to evade this draft, the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League will be ready to hold its first game by opening day. Village Dump Suffers From Rash of Inactivity By Gerrycheevers In a startling development, activity on Uncyclopedia's main gathering place, the Village Dump, has all but ceased. With The UnIdiot registering the sole comment in the last three full days, the normal flow of important, relevant conversation in the Forums appears to have dried up. While an excess of users can usually be found loitering aimlessly in the halls of the Dump, it appeared all but deserted as of press time. Several theories have been raised, ranging from the intriguingly possible (July weather causes Uncyclopedians to go outside) to the exceedingly headache-inducing (Uncyclopedians are being abducted by giant space cabbages). However, one of the more interesting theories comes from our lead scientist and nature correspondant, DogNewspaper (unavailable for picture). He claims that while the Village Dump itself along with associated forums such as the Ministry of Love and the Help forum has seen a decline in activity, the so-called Benson's House of Pancakes has seen a shocking upswing in activity. In the same time frame that only a single edit was made in the Village Dump, sixteen different topics were edited in Benson's Breakfast Domicile. DogNewspaper, that earlier mentioned nature correspondant, calls this a migration. "Woof," he claimed, elaborating that many users were unable to adapt to conditions found in the normal Village Dump, and were forced to relocate to the more hospitable Benson-related location. It is here, in the BHOP, that users are free to create topics concerning their own birthdays, the anniversaries of their birth, and memorials commemorating the day they were born. Whether the mass exodus is complete or not has yet to be seen.

Check out these pages! US vs UK, the showdown... almost Picture Wars: Forum Edition Still counting to a million From our logs: 03:45, 23 July 2009 Under user blocked Mi$ter Bigg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (insert Cosby catchphrase here. or not - I don't really give two fucks) 00:48, 20 July 2009 TheLedBalloon blocked 71.195.100.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (In the words of Abraham Lincoln, suck my presidential cock, bitch!) 06:30, 18 July 2009 Mordillo blocked Speroxenos (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (your hard on does not impress me) Biopic of the Week Arguably the most prominent sub-primate whose existance status varies depending on the day of the week on the entire wiki, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays has recently made a return to Uncyclopedia. His track record speaks for itself: awesome articles abound in Ape's presence, his handling of breaking news situations is praiseworthy, and his information guides are useful and informative. Welcome back, Ape! Old School Featured Article of the Week Toilet Door Communication, or TDC, is considered by many to be the forerunner of the modern internet. This fascinating form of conversation is complete with its own exceedingly dense jargon and wide spectrum of users. Washing your hands after use is strongly recommended. Quote of the Week <Bonner> A while later we also completely wrapped the scooter in cling film <Bonner> I still have the photos, he was really pissed about that one <e|m|c> You mean saran wrap. <e|m|c> Fucking English. <Bonner> Cling flim <e|m|c> Uhh. Saran wrap. <Bonner> cling film <Bonner> :) <e|m|c> Cling film <Bonner> Saran wrap <e|m|c> Correct. This Week in Uncyc, 1901 Uncyclopedia users celebrated their first of many week-long tributes to Oscar Wilde, unable to wait the originally planned year after his death. The entire main page was dedicated to Wilde-related issues, and the first instance of mass Wilde quoting ensued. Reader Poll of the Week The editors need your help; please weigh in here on the important, non-boring issue of UnSignpost formatting.

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This edition is on time, and anyone who tells you differently is lying! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 18:51, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 30th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

July 30th, 2009• Issue 58• Now Delivered Trendily Late!

Uncyclopedia Users Alter Time Itself By The Woodburninator This week: an update. As previously reported in an earlier news story, one month ago several well-known contributors went on a campaign to try and delete time itself. It is said they were trying to bring about an end to unfunniness throughout history, with the slight side effect of non-existence. But just as it looked as if their plan would come to fruition, cooler heads prevailed and stopped everything in its tracks. Since then, the plan has changed. Instead of deleting all that ever was, the users have decided it would be much more prudent to just change all of history to their liking. Several users have been seen spending their free time on User:Gwax/Timeline rebuild, in some cases changing events one year at a time, and in others trying to change entire millennia. How they are able to do this, no one is sure, though rumors of a DeLorean DMC-12 have been circulating. The outcomes of the project have, thus far, been very good for us for everyone. There was one unfortunate incident when a user tried to give his parents millions of dollars before he was born, but the extra money forced them to separate before he was conceived. All of a sudden he didn't exist, but then if he didn't exist, how could he have gone back in time to change anything? It caused a huge rift in space/time, a bit of a bother really. But we're happy to report that everything has been sorted out with no casualties only one casualty! Remarks from the community on the process have been nothing but positive. "In order to walk the road of peace, we need to climb the mountain of conflict," notable scholar TKF exclusively commented. We have our entire staff working around the clock to figure out what this means as we speak. Town drunk Dexter111344 was also heard mumbling about the subject. He blamed wizards for the whole thing, before stumbling away, probably to make more links to A wizard did it. Regardless, whether its wizards or time machines, the editing of the past continues as we speak, and will continue until all of history has been changed. Or until we get bored and move onto something else. Uncyclopedia Editors Conflicted Over Story Topic By Gerrycheevers Owing to the large amount of things happening in the last week, and also to the fact that this issue is unforgivably late, the editors of the UnSignpost were unable to settle on a single topic for the second story of this week's edition. The editors were also unable to agree on either two topics for a rare three-story issue or how many UnSignpost editors it takes to screw in a lightbulb (the UnSignpost staff has been left to ponder this question in the dark). As a decision could not be reached, it was decided after much deliberation and petty arguing that all of the candidate stories be mentioned rapid-fire in a single story, so as to confuse and irritate the reader and cause him to be required to navigate back to this issue to click on all of the links. These stories are as follows: Zombiebaron returns and petitions to end voting. His effort is parodied, rebutted, and parodied again. A link to Requested Articles is placed on the sidebar and MadMax commences handing out badges to requested article creators. Zombiebaron returns again to demand reskins, which we understand means he needs to replace all of his undead flesh with "fresh flesh". Cajek returns, but not really. VFH maxes out at 23 nominations at press time, including some discussion-inducing selections. More events certainly occured, but we can't be arsed to list everything for you.

Check out these pages! UN:REQ Gone Wilde! All the Greatest Music of the 80s, on Three Great Cassettes! Whose Sandwich? From our logs: 14:47, 26 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 hours ‎(I banned a guy for too long this one time. Then I had nachos.) 20:40, 29 July 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked MadMax (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 Minute (Constantly littering recent changes with thousands of really useful edits.) 20:45, 29 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎(Not having enough tits.) 15:17, 30 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 122.173.57.31 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(blanking? why not just wear a t-shirt proudly declaiming "I have no life"? it has much the same effect, but you might get away with claiming it's ironic...) Biopic of the Week Touching down on the Uncyclopedia runway in December '08, Saberwolf116 has quickly become one of the all-time great Pee Reviewers. With 86 of them under his belt, Saber has recently ridden off into a yellow sunset to pursue some sort of education, or something along those lines that will detract from his Uncyclopedia-ing. Return soon, fair Saberwolf! Old-School Featured Article of the Week Bold Speech to text software bold is the most wide Lee used applicate shin by lacy people who can knot be bother to type. It's bark tech know lodge-y has vast Lee bark improve in Reese cent years. Bark bark it is not recommend Ed bark four use in bark off is spaces bark with noisy bark dogs. Diabolical Plan to Overtake the Wiki of the Week It seems that UnSignpost co-chief editor Under user has recently succeeded in the first stages of producing a sewer-dwelling offspring (pictured). Rumors of UU using the as-yet-unnamed biological sockpuppet for activities of questionable morality are unconfirmed. Congratulations, UU! Reader Poll Results Last week we asked loyal UnSignpost readers to weigh in on the immensely interesting issue of formatting. There was no clear consensus on the subject, as it seems Uncyclopedians employ the full range of screen resolutions, and as such it's a wonder anyone can read the UnSignpost at all. The most telling aspect of the poll was its response rate, indicating that a full eight people read the UnSignpost.

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It's on time, you were just high and didn't realize when it got here! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:51, 3 August 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!

August 6th, 2009 • Issue 59 • Painfully Extracting Nuggets of Truth from the Teeth of the News!

Uncyclopedia Triples Ad Revenue; Users Line Up For Paychecks By Gerrycheevers This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor. However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behind Olipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day. A Hell of a Time at the Village Dump By Bad Shroom Recently in the forums, BHOP's activity has arguably skyrocketed. An IP has started a new rhyming craze, and the cheesy, crunchy snack food CheddarBBQ has revived many topics that were getting rather aged, such as Fantasy Football, a Shakira-esque topic, and even his own birthday's topic. Back on BHOP, fruity user Neox's random storytelling and serious user YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans' serious, dramatic storytelling have made Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 2's story a complete, random mess. Also, Optimuschris and Modusoperandi have been having one hell of a time discussing the much-anticipated failing of the new G.I. Joe movie. Finally, users have a had a heated battle over whether to ban the Abstain feature on VFH, which is ending up as off-topic and random as an episode of Lost. Are there any cool discussions going on? That's the forum news in your area, now here's Mr. G with the weather, only on Public Access Channel 2!

Check out these pages! The 18th Quadrennial Slut List Obama Tosses the Patriot Act at Uncyclopedia STFU, N00B!! From our logs: 08:49, 31 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flat cap and a whippet ‎(tha's callin' us lazy, lad? sithee 'ere, I were down t'pit 36 hours a day for tuppence when tha were nobbut a lad!) 02:40, 1 August 2009 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) resurrected Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Nah, it wasn't so bad. Your nakedness totally made up for it.) 02:01, 5 August 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.14.52.46 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Yes, you tell that "Jacob" what you really think about him! Now that you've told him off on a random website online you'll be the coolest one of your friends. You are such a badass.) Biopic of the Week Like most of the dozens of Uncyclopedians that hail from Norwell, Massachusetts, The UnIdiot is awesome. Perhaps most well known for his high quality journalism, he has also branched out into public service announcements and novelized fiction. We don't know what the deal with Norwell is; probably something to do with the water. Old School Featured Article of the Week The Water powered bus is the most prominent mode of public transportation in rainy cities such as Seattle and London, and also underwater cities like Atlantis and New Orleans. Invented in 1954 by Sir Henry Bus, the water powered bus is capable of maintaining speeds between 'brisk gentlemanly walk' and 'brisk gentlemanly trot' for up to ten minutes. Cajek Update of the Fortnight Noted funnyman Cajek was recently spotted announcing his presence and simultaneously his lack of activity. However, he was also sighted vandalizing signatures and driving in a reckless manner, with a crumpet in his hand and a groundhog on his lap, respectively.

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Hand delivered by MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 21:48, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that just got hijacked by Woody and Ape. Mwhahahaha!

Date August 13th, 2009 • Issue 60 • Taking the News, Making it Better

UnSignpost Editor Disappears; UnSignpost Suffers Mysterious Drop in Quality By The Woodburninator August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy. Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I reckon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, herding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again. In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door." Bastard. Uncyclopedian creates Trivia Bot, ruins everything By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Popular Uncyclopedian Electric mocha something-or-other, also known as EMC, this week unveiled his latest creation: a trivia bot for the Uncyclopedia IRC Channel. The bot, named "UncycTrivia", stands at over seven feet tall and is made exclusively from red crayons. Seemingly, its only function is to spout random nonsense under the guise of trivia questions and then demand answers, awarding points to whoever manages to guess the random word or phrase it considers the answer. EMC let loose his bot on the nerds, perverts and middle-aged alcoholics of #uncyclopedia, leading to even less constructive conversation then usual. Instead, the channel is mostly filled with dozens of people shouting random words in the hopes of being awarded meaningless points. Some, however, have pointed out that the only real difference between this and the way things were before is the awarding of points. Not content with destroying one channel, however, EMC subsequently decided to bring his bot to ##turtle,the exciting new channel with the dubious honour of being "the BHOP of IRC" (but with less Bad Shroom), which also served as a staging post for a recent troll invasion of Yahoo! Answers. EMC was unavailable for comment when I was throwing this piece together in five minutes. He is presumed to be sitting in a cave somewhere stroking his large red crayon and laughing dementedly. New Editors Have Trouble Matching up Left and Right Sides By The Woodburninator In a startling development, the newest editors of the UnSignpost are proving to be quite inept at lining up the left and right sides of Post's template. It seems that our penchant for placing more and more boxes on the right side of the page has defeated the natural aesthetic of the Post's two-even-sides strategy. While this is a problem, it does seem to be fixable. Namely, by adding this headline and story. Is this just an obvious cry for help, that we are unable to do this without Gerry? Probably. But since our hostile takeover has proven quite successful unstoppable so far, we would disagree.

Check out these pages! International fucking of sorts Wikipedia gets uglier! Racist apes demand equal pay From our logs: 14:17, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.165.47.133 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Who is Ed and why should is he better than me?) 14:18, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fuck you, me, stop proving that guy's point with your horrible horrible ban reasons) 15:30, 8 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds ‎ (beating me to a ban, and using a boring ban reason when you got there. honestly, I spend seconds on a ban reason, only to find it's wasted. gnurph!) Biopic of the Week Perhaps the finest research analyst from Boston that Uncyclopedia has ever seen, Gerrycheevers is among one of the most awarded users on the site. He has performed the rare feat of capturing Every single major monthly Award this site has to offer, plus NotM too. Add that to his 21.5 features, the class and dignity with which he has won them all, and his constant efforts as the main editor of the UnSignpost, it would seem that the reign of Cheevers is just begining. That is if he ever gets back here. Old School Featured Article of the Week The Little boy who lives down the street is a child who lives down the street that no other children have ever seen. (And no-one knows his name either...) This is because the child has died, in several fashions, over and over again, the subject of which is constantly being brought up by your Mother and/or Grandmother when they’re explaining why you cannot do something that you really want to do. VFD vote of the week "With the exception of Bruce Lee, these people are the least funniest people who have ever lived. Why people continue to cream their jeans over them for their supposed god-like abilities, I can't figure that out. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sakujo. Delete this massive faggotry. These people ain't bad THEY AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Roman Dog Bird 04:27, 13 August 2009 (UTC) Sannse Trivia (from UncycTrivia) Q: Sannse moved to San Francisco because she is a ______ (hint: it starts with an "L") A: Liberal Actually, now we need another box. Woody, you fucking idiot.

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9001(bot)  20:33, Aug 18