User talk:Aleister

Walk into a bar collab

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POO[edit source]

IM GOING TO DIRTY YOUR NEW CLEAN AND ARCHIVED TALK PAGE WITH DIRTY WORDS AND YOU CANT STOP ME.

Poo poo shit fuck poo poo shitty poo poo prostitute slut poo poo anus poo cock poopoo shit shitty crap poo poo crappy prostitute cum poo whore penis bimbo poo poo crappy shit whore slut poo poo poo. Leverage (talk) 13:07, 27 November 2013 (UTC)

I think the second poo should be slut slut. I'm just saying. --ShabiDOO 04:42, 28 November 2013 (UTC)

eh up[edit source]

Laptop died and destroyed the last version of IUnseen. Must stop refusing to accept that as an excuse when kids haven't done their homework--Sog1970 (talk) 23:37, 12 December 2013 (UTC)

?????? – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 23:35, 12 December 2013 (UTC)

Ah, it's Sog1970. Makes a little more sense now. And welcome back. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 23:39, 12 December 2013 (UTC)

Sog! Laptop where the iun intro is being worked on isn't on Wi-Fi, so when I get to a public Wi-Fi I'll upload it onto email. F-y says just the intro, up to the river bit. Not best, but progress. Thanks. Aleister I don't know what time it is, my upper limit of the screen and lower, where my uncyclopedia and personal toolbars are, won't release. I can't edit here unless in sections because my screen doesn't go high enough to reach the history and edit buttons. Suggestions anyone? thanks. I do know it's 13-12-13.

What do you do to your computers, Aleister? Leverage (talk) 17:59, 13 December 2013 (UTC)

My fingers do the walking, and then they trip all over themselves and then the ice cream comes and sparks flying everywhere. And to think I worked on the moon project (Apollo 13 to be exact, where I was fired for some reason). Aleister 13-12-13 I don't know the time, sometime after 20:00

Hello![edit source]

Hi Aleister. I hadn't dropped by in a while, but I have read your messages, and I voted on your article. You can see my reaction at the nomination page itself. I have so much to tell you. 7 November, my mom died. I am still sad about it, but not as sad as I was when it happened. So then I went to Mexico to meet my mom's mom and her sisters (my aunts). It was a fantastic time, and I totally want to live in Mexico. My grandma and my aunts also want me to live in Mexico. haha. My aunt Lucy actually gave me her schnauzer (but since I couldn't bring him to the U.S., my aunt is currently taking care of him). His name is Prince. Below is a drawing I made of me hanging out with Prince and his lady friend, Pecas ("freckles" in Spanish, because she has spots). At the time I was visiting, I couldn't play with Pecas because she had ticks. So in the picture, she is saying "Bathe me!" On the couch is a green toy that sort of looks like a spider. I made it. I haven't actually given it to Prince, because he is in Mexico and I'm not. So this picture is in effect a prospective image.

Anyway, did you see my latest UnNews? If so, I hope you enjoyed it. -- the dorky contralto 21:45, 17 December 2013 (UTC)

I wasn't joking, I really could see five points on the tiara. And I know how to resize pictures: you can go to a website called resizr.com. However, this won't make the pictures clearer (although it has a "sharpen" tool, which might work), so I'm sorry that I couldn't answer your question entirely. And yes, I have one brother, he is doing fine. Too fine, maybe. I also have a best friend who is like a sister, and she was there for me. And as for you, thank you for your support. I totally understand "isn't it fucked". Thank you very much. God bless you Aleister! -- the dorky contralto 14:13, 18 December 2013 (UTC)

Added a new section to the Simone article. See: Simone Bittencourt de Oliveira#And you didn't think she had a crush on him? It is a gallery of photos with (hopefully) hilarious captions. XD --

the dorky contralto

03:33, 22 December 2013 (UTC)

I'm glad you enjoyed my revisions. And the music video is definitely a must-see. The audiovisual quality is crap, but the song is great. Especially the "ziziziziziziz" sound effect they do... which makes sense as the song is "Cigarra" (cicada)!!! Have a nice day, and enjoy your life! --

the dorky contralto

hello again![edit source]

I saw your latest message. I'm glad you liked my drawings! Happy new year to you too! How has your life been? -- the dorky contralto 00:28, 7 January 2014 (UTC)

ATDB[edit source]

Brilliant article! You need therapy. Nominally Humane! 02:34 22 Dec

Well thanks, for both compliments, and right back at you. I decided to enter the contest because of a discussion on Leverage's talk page, after reading The Aristocrat (joke) page on Wikipedia to finally get the importance of at least telling the joke once (and the accepted structure, supposedly not based on funny but just a straight-forward telling, with a flourish at the end) and then was glad to see that you were giving it a go. If you notice in my story it can all be explained as an act with props, I left that possibility open, so that nothing described in it is real but is sleight of hand with props and misdirection - a well practiced act by a talented family of the aristocracy. If I read the scores right my story may have just squeezed past years, which is not the result I'd like - I usually lean in the direction of ties (except for that stupid choice of Academy Award Best Picture last year). Tuajos! And thanks again! Aleister 11:38 22-12-13

It was a close run competition, although I'm surprised Shabby's effort didn't rate higher. Nominally Humane! 01:37 22 Dec

I'm one of those four-way tie kind of users, let everyone have the template for jobs well done. I reread mine again, keeping in mind that it was an act, and tried to imagine the props and sleight of hand that was used. Maybe at the end the father could show the talent agent a few of his major props, and the talent agent could say "Bravo! Bravo!" because he realizes how talented the act really was. They all still had to get naked, but no sexual act was going on, it all smoke and mirrors and aquariums. Cool. Thanks for inspiring me by making me read it again to see if I was right about the props. Some are tricky to imagine how they did it, lol, so it works on several levels (was it really all props?) Aleister 18:55 22-12-13

I knew I wasnt going to score much. I wanted to reinterperate the aristocrat joke this time and take it to the most surreal extreme. That's not a winning aristocrac kind of joke. I liked yours puppy. You reinterpreted it without losing the edginess of the joke. Aleisters grossed me out and honestly after seeing videos like two girls and a cup and reading about donkey rape...its not easy to gross me out anymore. My friends stopped reading Ali's a few paragraphs into the dirty part...and now officially they think (this being the last of many straws) we are insane and should be treated for it. --ShabiDOO 22:33, 22 December 2013 (UTC)

Then my mission here is complete. Why did you let your friends read that? They are now no longer your friends. As I understand it from the Wikipedia page, the aristocrats joke has a long history and is supposed to be as gross as possible. Your friends, who may now not even acknowledge ever meeting you, can sooth their nightmares by reading the page again (hair of the dog). Aleister 2:43 23-12-13

Why don't we have a 'best video' category? That would ensure none of us have any friends left. Nominally Humane! 04:16 23 Dec

It seems that you two are my only friends left. And that makes me want to simulcast my suicide online. Do you know any good websites that will host it? --ShabiDOO 05:10, 23 December 2013 (UTC)

Do it on Chatroulette. Nothing like masturbating middle aged men to add that air of gravitas. Nominally Humane! 05:42 23 Dec

Promise me you'll join me in heaven one day. I'll sit next to Jesus christ our lord and saviour and you two can tell us nasty horrid dirty aristocrat jokes :) --ShabiDOO 05:58, 23 December 2013 (UTC)

Catching up![edit source]

We have much to do, so glad you are still going strong :) I was wondering what was to become of your bar collab? Seems to me it is long and hilarious enough! Mattsnow 02:40, 10 January 2014 (UTC)

Jeez, I forgot about that. Even though it's linked on this page. I'll look at it later and see what needs to be done to whip it into shape (after I get whipped into shape). Thanks. I'm not writing here as much, although when I was writing here as much I wrote a lot, can't believe I wrote all those things (I didn't, copied most of it from bathroom walls and tape-recording drunken Freemasons at their Shriner-sponsored orgies). I'm glad you're back, and writing strong as ever or better. I just thought of a great tee-shirt: "I have crabs, do you want some?" with a picture of a guy both itching his pants and herding a dozen crabs around the floor. On a more serious topic, I think MrN may be gone. Aleister 9:49 1-=1=14

I have something wonderful to tell you![edit source]

I use facebook with reasonable frequency, as you may have found out from the source of my last UnNews. Well, two days before the new year, this strange man called Raya friended me. I was like, OK, I will accept this request. So we started chatting, and I was like, who are you? He was like, "I am Raya and I am from Indonesia. I love dogs." And I was like, OK. And we continued to chat, and he sent pictures of himself, his dogs, and his little brother. Fair enough. I became worried, however, when he started sexting me, but then I was like, whatever, boys do that. So, anyway... he wants to marry me, and I was like, "OK, but you have to wait until I grow up." And he was like, OK. So... we are dating. It is an unusual relationship, and probably illegal, but I know what I'm doing. :) So, how are you? -- the dorky contralto 17:23, 2 February 2014 (UTC)

Yikes. Be careful if he shows up at your door, and please don't tell him too much about yourself. Sounds like a predator, and his brother, dogs, and such may be just stock photos. But maybe not, so....good luck??...and you may get a good article or two out of it. And boys don't sext girls they just met on the internet unless he has very little respect for women. So if you need any more water dashed on your relationship, keep the pepper spray handy! Me, I'm doing alright, bouncing around from thing to thing, going from place to place, up in the air and then looking at the air. hee hee. Aleister 20:20 2-2-14 (almost all twos, except the 14)

^ – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 21:37, 2 Feb 2014

Glad to hear that you are OK. Have fun looking at the air! hee hee. --

the dorky contralto

15:06, 6 February 2014 (UTC)

Your next UnNews[edit source]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-26182790 Leverage (talk) 08:59, 14 February 2014 (UTC)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-26017956 I especially liked the headline, the difference in cost of the various solutions, and the paragraph beginning, "I've gone down the river." Leverage (talk) 13:04, 18 February 2014 (UTC)

I thought the war with Asian carp was won in '45? I myself have gone down the river and been slapped in the face. Not by a fish though. Thanks for the fishheads up! Aleister 14:50 18-2-14

Question[edit source]

Are you my mummy? --The Defender of Light >Grand Warlock Danzathel Aetherwing Inventory 01:42, 3 March 2014 (UTC)

Busted! You are not supposed to out users here, or anywhere (bad form and bad boy, to your room). And wipe your shoes before coming in next time, we had a hell of a time cleaning the blood and drool off the floor. "Aleister" 2:42 3=3=14

Cosmos[edit source]

Hey, did you watch the premiere of the new Cosmos tonight? If so, what'd you think of it? -- Thankful Kippy Share blessings Bountiful harvest 08:05, Mar. 10, 2014

BOOM!!![edit source]

YOU GOT SERVED !!! --ShabiDOO 01:56, 11 March 2014 (UTC)

Hilary[edit source]

Sincerely,

Anton (talk) 18:08, 11 March 2014 (UTC)

Thanks! Aleister 18:09 same day same almost time

Argylesocks[edit source]

Since you weren't on irc last night, and you're rolling back all his edits, I think I'll let you know now that Argylesocks is TKF come back to improve his own articles, and the reverting admins thing may apply as well but anyway you should know who he is. Meanwhile I seem to be reverting your reverts. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 18:16, 14 Mar 2014

So he came back to vote against all the good VFH's? From his edits he seemed like a vandal. I didn't know he was improving his own pages, but he seems to be against rape now. thanks. And socks isn't an admin, I guess TKF is though? Aleister few minutes later

No reverting admins cowering under sockpuppets? Ek-squeeze me? Leverage (talk) 18:24, 14 March 2014 (UTC)

Cowering? He scrambled his password. And good vfh's is in the eye of the beholder. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 18:25, 14 Mar 2014

Nah, I saw a vandal voting against Funnybony's and my stuff, and lots of other VFH's, and when I heard it's TFK that explains that. He knows one vote can sink a VFH on this site, as well as one the other. Aleister minute later, Ali-gator

AGF please. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 18:31, 14 Mar 2014

There is a trend which I watched for years. Good faith indeed. Funnybony was almost set to play here for good. Aleister

Not sure what you mean by that. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 18:37, 14 Mar 2014

Neither am I. Can never be sure, can we? Aleister

I just looked over the edits to the feature articles again, and if, like me, you didn't know they were the authors, objectively they seemed like vandalism. Aleister

MrN[edit source]

Hey Aleister. Any updates on MrN? I hope everything's alright. MadMax (talk) 20:03, 15 March 2014 (UTC)

No, which is why I put the forum up. The only good thing is that he's gone "missing" before for very long periods of time. He and I had good communication going on emails, then he went somewhere, and emailed me, and then was gone. He hasn't posted here since last April. Al 22:04 15-3-14

I wish I could be of more help but I don't really have any contact with users outside of Uncyclopedia. Has anyone seen him on IRC in the past few months? MadMax (talk) 19:37, 17 March 2014 (UTC)

Not me. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 19:40, 17 Mar 2014

The Tao[edit source]

O! The Follower of The Tao! As you are the only one who had the courage to defend it from my sinful vote against, could you please tell me whether User:Anton199/TaoismReskin would be a noble way of rendering homage to this tree of knowledge on our principal tablet? Anton (talk) 20:59, 15 March 2014 (UTC)

this image[edit source]

Is one of the best I've seen in centuries. Are you up for collaborating on an article inspired by it? I'm thinking a team of four would do nicely :) --ShabiDOO 15:40, 25 April 2014 (UTC)

If you start it, they will come. Aleister many hours later that same day, just under the wire

New article, do you have any tips?[edit source]

I have resurrected the huffed page on Eduard Khil. Do you have any ideas to make it better? -- the dorky contralto 20:50, 9 May 2014 (UTC)

You silly sausage![edit source]

I'm sorry. I must have missed some e-mails you sent in amongst the many I have still trying to sell me another 12 pallet loads. I assume they assume I am a wholesaler. If you send an e-mail to the address you have used in the past I will send you my phone number, inside leg measurements, and the key to my sisters Chastity belt. Mr N 09:50. May 19

Your statement was incorrect[edit source]

"Jesus Fucking Christ! doesn't know the difference between pants and underwear. They wore no underwear in the old days, just pants". I would like to point out that I have not worn pants for over 2000 years now. It's just too hot, and I was never going to have one of those white skirts. J F C 13:41. May 20

Put on your good shoes[edit source]

So we may dance the deadly dance of death. --The Defender of Light >Grand Warlock Danzathel Aetherwing Inventory 05:40, 22 May 2014 (UTC)

Regarding...[edit source]

This comment. Yes. I agree. I did it as punishment for previous aggressions. Let it wallow in the market with the other stalls. ... :) ... Your comment:"tweaked the edit of Jesus Fucking Christ into something that even God would throw up in his mouth about." was, in my opinion inaccurate. I can assure you that God has thrown up much worse. Especially that time when he refused to turn the other cheek while attempting to perform cunnilingus on your mother. J F C 11:43. May 23

Thanks for nomming such a holy page, and for Zim's sake I hope it passes. Turning the other cheek usually works best when the people are on a roller-coaster, and the cheeks are flying in all directions. Aleister minutes later in real time

Great edit. I can't tell if it's the goddess of chaos, strife and discord, or the ninth-most-massive body known to directly orbit the Sun. Probably both. J F C 12:37. May 23

vfh template[edit source]

I've seen you removing {{VFH}} from stuff that's on its second, third or nillionth nomination, but there's actually a way to link to the current nomination - just say {{VFH|nompage=Some article (some nomination)}}. For Evil Jesus it would be {{VFH|nompage=Evil Jesus (Jesus)}}, which I've changed it to. Hope you find that useful. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 18:53, 23 May 2014

I suspect he knows, and is simply doing all he can to smite me. J F C 18:56. May 23

HMC[edit source]

Hey Ali...sign up for Happy Monkey duder :) --ShabiDOO 00:40, 29 May 2014 (UTC)

I'll sign up soon. How are you doing this, will both sites be under the same contest, and will all the people put their pages on both sites? I'm really not into it this year, but that's all the more reason to sign up, to force myself to write an article. Grrrr. You and your damn Happy Monkeys. Aleister some time later.

Ummm...I doubt things will work out with the tournament on the fork. In any case the tournament will be a spectacular one in 2014. I'm glad you'll participate.--ShabiDOO 02:03, 29 May 2014 (UTC)

Truganini[edit source]

Hey. That pic in Australia. It's a belief amongst some Australian Aboriginal tribes that you shouldn't retain images or recordings of people who have passed away, and locally we tend to add warnings if they are included. Not a personal concern, but rather you knew, and a generic tribe picture painted by early European settlers would provide the same joke. I have an idea that may even be better suited, as early settlers couldn't paint the aboriginals for shit. Just have to remember the name of a particular artist. (Or we could keep it and say "fuck you" - your call.) Puppy 13:28, 12 June 2014 (UTC)

Solution: I'd use the second image here - http://no-award.net/2014/04/17/hannah-gadsby-oz-1/ The article explains a bit about the artistic joke as well. Puppy 13:41, 12 June 2014 (UTC)

Puppy, you young dog you. Hello, and long time no bark. Yes, please go with the second image, it's appropriately interesting. I can't upload images here for some goddessforsaken reason, but please add it if you would. Those Aboriginal's are afraid of (no) ghosts I see. Thanks for pointing out that eating your relatives has its downside. Aleister 15:24 12-6-'14

Human flesh is just about the most nutritious thing you can get. Normally, your body needs to break down animal protein into amino-acids, and then reform it into human proteins. That takes effort. However, if you eat a human some of the protein can be directly used in your body without the need for the extra breaking down into amino-acids, and then reforming step. It's way better and tastes rather like KFC. J F C 23:15. Jun 12

Puppy means the picture on "Australia" which shows an older gentleman who may not be with us anymore. He's probably with you though, tied up in the basement and only let out to cook. Aleister 11:33 12-6-14

Wait. Puppy is here? I was just rambling randomly... Wow! It's Puppy on the something or other! I admit that as usual I have no actual understanding of what is happening currently, but I did read recently that Truganini volentarillarly married a white guy, and shacked up with a few others along the way. That does not sound like the kinda girl who would get upset about having her picture taken. I may be wrong as truth be told, I'm not actually Jesus. J F C 23:43. Jun 12

Very late topic[edit source]

I just realised I never posted your topic. And you know why that is? Because secretly I think you are a subversive element of this wiki and this was my passive agressive way of communicating that to you without explicitly saying so. You see?

Your topic for the competition is Newport Cigarettes because fuck yeah I'm drunk let's have some fun

This year is a record for semi-completed and finished articles. I've been blown away by the humour and creativity of the articles I've so far read! Watch as the scores slowly trick in over the next week here. Hope you enjoyed it you subersive-element. --ShabiDOO 05:28, 20 June 2014 (UTC)

Hey it was my pleasure reviewing it. If you want a fuller pee review I'll gladly do it. My friend Sarah suggested that it's pretty long. I somewhat agree that it could use some cuts. Three-man race for the top three now! The suspence is stressing out my zeebra kidney transplant! --ShabiDOO 12:53, 28 June 2014 (UTC)

Thanks. Now I can address you opening remark. Subversievel element? Why would I subverse either wiki? They are two parts of a whole, in my point of view. If I had to pick a side, like in some crazy war or a dozen hairy monkeys arguing over everything that everybody has anyway, I'd pick this wiki as my home base, which I did with the HappyMonkey contest. I think you know that you deserve the ban that SPIKE gave you on the other side of the island, because the admins at each site hold the power to close the gates (like in the DMZ) and you were being a dick to SPIKE. I know when I'm being a dick, and have self-banned myself a few times. I think you can admit it though, whereas SPIKE possibly reinterprets the first rule of uncyclopedia when it comes to himself, and gives himself lots of dick latitude. Aleister 19:07 28-6-14

SPIKE is the most unpleasant asshole I've ever met online and I'm glad I will never have to deal with him again. Yes I was a dick to him. And he's a dick all the time to nOObs and any user who doesn't stand up to him. Leverage and Funnybony have also left because of him. Romartus and Sim don't care and do nothing about it and this will never change. That's why I deleted my account. I wanted to call him out on his petty nastiness one last time before I left. I don't regret it ... fuck SPIKE and that hell hole called the spoon. --ShabiDOO 19:34, 28 June 2014 (UTC)

/me rudely butts into someone else's discussion Agreed ^ – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 19:37, 28 Jun 2014

See, you could admit you were a dick to him. But leaving a site in the middle of judging a contest which was held over both sites? Why would you do that?? The other site is a depository of articles, you can look at it like that. The admins are admins to smooth out those kind of things, and if Romartus, Sim, Frosty, and others who still see us as one island don't "handle" the situation between Spike and you, Spike and Leverage, Spike and Funnybony, they aren't earning their wings in heaven. Spike already has his wings in heaven, although he tries gnawing them off every day, because he's stuck to his rigid hand dealings at times. If I were an admin I'd make a standing rule that SPIKE couldn't talk to Noobs for at least two weeks. If he had tried talking to me like he does some noobies, and looked over my shoulder every time I edited and then butted in with "do this, don't do that" on my first day or two, I might not have stuck around, or if I did there'd be quite a ruckus. But the crap about me being subversive, and it reads like you meant it, does not capture any of my intent, as SPIKE has never accurately described my intent in actions I've taken. Maybe unbeknownst to the other admins, who weren't reading talk pages or every voting summary, SPIKE was a dick to me many times in terms of analyzing my intent and almost every time (possible every time) getting it directly opposite of what it was. Which makes me question his perception. And again, as always, my respect for what he has done since the split in holding that site together with an iron fist is present in this and other notes. I know he's a dick, but he's our ogle, and even though some people here have massive problems with him I think most of that is the fact that he's never addressed, in a meaningful way, why he's such a dick at times, whether he knows he is, and has never given out a few well-deserved apologies. Will he ever do that? Who knows. A dick is like a box of choc-o-lates, you never know what's at the core of the apple or the lay of the wailing wall, to mix metaphors in a blender. But to mix me up with subversion is just weird, and is asking me to create weapons and battlegrounds where I don't see them nor accept them. Aleister 21:11 28-6-14

You being subversive? No that was a total joke (a parody of SPIKE's paranoia). I should be double extra careful what I joke about here (sorry). As for leaving the site during the competition? It makes no difference. I was blocked for a week. Anton is happy to help. I prefer to delete the account now. It prevents me from doing anything stupid later on. :) --ShabiDOO 21:17, 28 June 2014 (UTC)

Subversive elements are often good elements. Where would Hobbiton be now if Gollum had not been there to bite off Frodo's finger? J F C 15:47. Jul 1

Seen this?[edit source]

www.jordanmaxwell.com is NOT Jordans actual real page. www.jordanmaxwellshow.com is."

I think it's a recent interview. Jordan still claims to believe in little green men hence him now being 74... More importantly, did you know that www.jordanmaxwell.com is NOT Jordans actual real page. His real page according to him in this video is www.jordanmaxwellshow.com. Google prefers "www.jordanmaxwell.com" which is no longer controlled by Jordan and has been taken over apparently in an attempt to discreddit him. J F C 15:47. Jul 1

Thanks, interesting information. These guys all carry lots of nonsense as well as having pieces of the puzzle, and it's entertaining listening to the theories. I'll listen to the vid at some point soon, I'm bouncing all over the net on projects and add-em-ins. Wait, the Goddess of Liberty calls me.....na, it was just a bluejay. More soon, Aleister 16:24 1-7-14

Oh, most of the actual interview is not really that interesting. Just Alex and Jordan making a few jokes together mostly. I would not bother watching it all the way through unless you are a particular fan of Jordan because he does not really say much new... It was the fact that jordanmaxwell.com is not actually controlled by him that they discuss near the start which I found most interesting. Bluebirds over the black cliffs of Dover? You will soon be telling me they went to the moon about that time also... :P J F C 17:36. Jul 1

No one has ever gone to the moon...because the moon isn't even a moon! --ShabiDOO 17:56, 1 July 2014 (UTC)

Maybe. Who built the moon then? J F C 17:58. Jul 1

Who do you think built it? --ShabiDOO 18:45, 1 July 2014 (UTC)

Well, that article was actually my best guess so far, but if I had to take another guess I would say probably NASA built the moon, but have never actually been there. J F C 19:02. Jul 1

I always assumed it was the soviets who built the moon. --ShabiDOO 19:33, 1 July 2014 (UTC)

Where did you find this image

?

No idea. Random net find. Here is another one Mr N

13:55. Jul 15

Shabi, I just found the Mad Revsionist website because of what you said. In other news, this article on the bbc has an excellent deadpan line about conspiracies. "He's very nice, very reasonable..." Leverage (talk) 06:59, 2 July 2014 (UTC)

Yeah it was a nice article. We ougt to have more conspiracy satire here :) --ShabiDOO 18:40, 15 July 2014 (UTC)

Random Passing MrN...[edit source]

Although I still maintain that that image was faked, I'm becoming more of the opinion that the great pyramid may actually have had a top which emitted light at one point. Mr N 13:52. Jul 15

Of course, I was there once. Aleister may be there now

Interesting theory. What's your evidence for it having an emitted light? --ShabiDOO 18:42, 15 July 2014 (UTC)

None. Mr N

19:15. Jul 15

Lol. .. I just read the rational wiki page on the pyramids. Their explanation of Pi in the pyramids is rather amusing. They bark some nonsense about them using wheels and so that explains everything completely, but they miss the small point that mainstream egyptology itself claims that the early Egyptians did not have the wheel. Noobs. That article is worthy of FA on Uncyc. :D Mr N

19:28. Jul 15

One day the pyramids are going to lift off into outerspace and turn the moon into an alpha-portal. You don't want to know what will happen when the alpha-portal opens. --ShabiDOO 01:22, 16 July 2014 (UTC)

If you don't want others to find the truth cover it with bullshit. This has always been the case. This is the trick which evil has always used. The truth is ALWAYS covered with bullshit. Organised religion? ... If you want to know what is going on you need to have a powerful bullshit filter. How much reading around the subject did you do after we spoke about the meter and the great pyramid and the speed of light Shabidoo? Mr N

10:16. Jul 16

I learnt that the pyramids will open up the alpha-gate. I am not looking forward to it. --ShabiDOO 14:13, 16 July 2014 (UTC)

Alpha gate? You believe that? Lol. The pyramid was called the "gate" because it was once the gateway between two kingdoms. :P ... You probably believe that the main reason the US went into Iraq was to get the stargate which Saddam had hidden in his WMDs. :P Na, seriously though, I have rational explanations for everything about the pyramids now, including their construction. None of which involve ET, UFOS or any kinda magic power other than true magic which is the manipulation of the perceptions of others. The way you do true magic is with... Bullshit. Lots of it... :) Mr N

14:37. Jul 16

While you are saying all of this the alpha-gate is going to be opened and we are doing nothing to stop it!!! --ShabiDOO 14:44, 16 July 2014 (UTC)

Oh, you are just encouraging me Shabidoo! You know I want to rant! ... :D ... You might be doing nothing to stop it. I went there and checked. Seriously. It's cool. It's NOT an alpha-gate, and it's NOT going to be opened. On the day I visited Giza I went to the Egyptian museum saw the mummies, and actually went inside the great Pyramid. There is no actual evidence that they were ever used as the final resting place of the bodies of pharaohs. It is a fact that NO 'mummies' were ever found inside any of the pyramids. They were all found in tombs. When I went inside the great pyramid I stood next to the 'Sarcophagus' of Khufu, and the "guide" (who was actually just some random local whose mate works on the ticket booth and lets him in to accost the tourists for 'tips' for the information he provides) tells us straight faced that Khufu's body was actually found in the Sarcophagus, and that his body was on display in the museum. Unfortunately, I had just that day come from the museum where despite attempting to do so, I was unable to view the body of Khufu due to the fact that no mummies bodies were ever found in any pyramid. ... This dude hussled tips from tourists for a living, and even he was talking bollocks. ... They have guns in Egypt these days... :( ...

I also went down into the actual tomb of Tutankhamun, as well as a few other tombs. All the tombs were really nicely decorated, but inside the great pyramid there is NO decoration. At all. Anywhere. There is nothing to identify what the great pyramid is from what it has written on it, other than 1, YES 1 building block which has the word "Khufu" graffitied onto it. I mean graffiti, like not nicely done but obviously by a manual worker. It is assumed by mainstream egyptology that this one block has the name 'Khufu' on it because it was a construction block which was being used in the building of the pyramid for Khufu, and was labeled as such when it went from the quarry to the pyramid. Presumably egyptology assume there were many pyramids being built at the same time... One block for Dave's pyramid, one for Bob's, another for Fred, oh, and send 1. Yes 1 block to Khufu for his pyramid... There are NO other blocks which have writing on them in this way. Now, in reality I wonder who might have written on that block? Um... Khufu maybe? Possibly, but that does not prove he built it. I did. F^ck you all!

When I went down into the actual "tomb" of Tutankhamun, as in the place they actually found his body (Tutankhamun is the son of Akhenaten (who imo is the biblical Abraham, which is actually why there was so much fuss about finding Tutankhamun) I was again accosted by a local whose mate lets him past the toll gates who demanded a tip for informing me that Tutankhamun himself was actually still in the Sarcophagus despite the fact that I had recently seen him elsewhere. ... The Egyptian tourist board has a lot to learn. That and the guns... Mr N

15:35. Jul 16

15 years ago we bribed police, soldiers, guards and everyone else to do things we shouldn't have. We climbed to the top of one of the smaller pyramids, went into an excavation ground that was "off limits" and got guards to re-open museums well after closing time. We got first class "seats" for no "official" cost, went diving in a part of the sea that was prohibited, bribed off a policeman who caught my friends with some hash, paid to get my camera back after taking a picture of something which was "strictly prohibited all cameras will be confescated", got standing room on a "sold out" train. We bribed a hotel clerk to let us stay in the penthouse suite for the price of a normal room. There was literally no limits if you paid someone ten cents...or a couple dollars at the most. --ShabiDOO 16:18, 16 July 2014 (UTC)

Having been to Egypt myself I believe everything you just said. Yes, it's amazing out there. Different culture. Obviously I have just been and it is I assume it's a lot more calm and actually less crazy out there now as most tourists have more sense than me and are not going currently considering the current political climate. I can't match any of your story, but yes, everything is done on a nod and a wink or a favor in return for a previous bending of the rules. In some ways it's a very good system. :) When I tried to take an internal flight with my penknife it was taken from me at the airport. When I returned back to collect my knife later the place was closed and no one knew what I should do to get my knife back. Lost property? What's that? Item storage? ... But... Because my actual guide for that day (who was an awesome guy actually) knew the guys at the airport a few days later my pen knife was not only found, but handed to me while I was sitting by the pool at my hotel. I did not even ask for it back! The dudes, just sorted it out and some waiter handed it back to me. Man you got to climb to the top of one of em? I would have loved to make a dash for it, but they have a frigate standing nearby. I did see dolphins in the Red Sea which was cool. Lot's of fat Russians also. Obviously. Mr N

16:43. Jul 16

It wouldn't be the same without fat russians. --ShabiDOO 16:46, 16 July 2014 (UTC)

The problem with the fat russians only really became apparent in the saunas, where they have different changing rooms for males and females, but I have no idea why. I mean, everyone is naked in the sauna (except the british obviously) so what's the point of having separate male/female changing rooms? Mr N

16:49. Jul 16

So everyone can fart amongst their own gender, which is permissible in polite society. Khufu 19:55 19/55

A very entertaining read boys. A weird fact about women: when they live together for a long time, their farts naturally harmonise, so not only do they all fart at the same time, but if one farts, say, in the key of C, another will fart in E, and the third in G. If they are on their periods, the girl who farts the E will usually drop to an Eb. This is what Leonard Cohen calls the minor fall. Leverage (talk) 10:30, 24 July 2014 (UTC)

Sounds sort of like a Wagernian chromatic chord shift. Maybe that's why Isolde's theme never resolves until the end of the opera. It was "that time of the month" until the very end. --ShabiDOO 23:41, 24 July 2014 (UTC)

Give it up you cockblaster![edit source]

Hey you should give all of it up. Find inner peace, release your earthly possessions. You can also give them to me, you know... if you want. It's cool if you give them to someone else, but I'll continue to call you names if you don't. Like peanut butter fucker, and gargoyle faced imbecile replacement. Just give me your shit, ok? Let's make it easy on us. The Woodburninator Minimal Effort ™ 02:00, 5 August 2014 (UTC)

How....did....you know.... about the....peanut butter. Creamy not nutty (although it soon became nutty, and more creamy). Aleister seconds later

Don't make jokes, give me your shit, you pube-shaving polygamist! Don't be a dirty-golf-ball licking fusion bomb scientist you Jumbo-shrimp-fingered, Lucky Charms eating eyelash enthusiast! The Woodburninator

Minimal Effort ™ 02:06, 5 August 2014 (UTC)

How...did...you know...about the....dirty golf ball fetish??? You are like a paid psychic who's on vacation and can't help himself and just has to tell people stuff they did. All of what you say here is true. Aleister momentarily

You pay for psychics and that somehow makes me think even less of you which I thought was impossible and STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT AND GIVE ME YOUR SHIT YOU HAIRBALL HAVING, TURTLE THROWING, BEAN EATER! The Woodburninator

Minimal Effort ™ 02:13, 5 August 2014 (UTC)

I love beans, and no turtle is safe within picking-up distance of me. Damn, you're good at this! Would you stick around and be this page's psychic? Anyone who wants to can come by and ask a question, like the oracle of Delphi. Thanks! Aleister 12:32 5=8=14

Preteen slut[edit source]

Could you, please, visit the VFD nomination on the other site and answer my comment here? You might have been defending the wrong article! Anton (talk) 17:27, 10 August 2014 (UTC)

Thanks for the heads up, and you're right, Miley had a hand in it but not a very large one. But actually it doesn't change my take on it, just that I was defending the wrong author. Whoever it was had the satire sense of a very good writer, and the heart of a teen non-slut protecting her sisters. Aleister 17:37 10-8-14

Well, I am afraid I disagree. But it would have been better for Uncyclopedia and for the humanity if you were right, so I am not in a very good position. Anton (talk) 17:41, 10 August 2014 (UTC)

Wha? Oh, you mean the point of view thing. Yeah, it's really cool. If everyone has their own point-of-view - an entirely different take on the same exact thing, many times opposite takes of each other - which they do (we live in our own unique universes, right inside our heads....) then all I can do is explain how I see it. I realize that the article is not gloriying preteen-sex, it is doing the opposite. It is pointing a finger at the moguls of Hollywood itself, who often portray young girls, 12 years old and younger, as hot young girls, and never Mark Twain shall meet. On a societal level this is really fucked up, but it's a meme and they still use it sometimes. I wouldn't want to be in the crowd at those kind of shows. But the page itself, masterfully written and historically accurate in the non-zingers that it shows the author knew what he was talking about. Pretty cool. Anyway, I'll discuss this further on the nom page and see if I can win over your vote. Thanks for allowing me to do that. Aleister in the now, man

He's still warm[edit source]

Well, we got Gerrycheevers back so that's a plus. I'm back, so that's a big minus. We need more users to push it back to the positive. --Nikau (talk) 05:53, 21 September 2014 (UTC)

GET BACK TO THE SITE ALI[edit source]

Dance the mash bro!

Remember Last Year's Day's of the week competiton. Get back to the site and write something again. No tournament is ever fun without you! --ShabiDOO 02:56, 29 September 2014 (UTC)

One quick question[edit source]

What is your favorite article you have written? --Nikau (talk) 04:31, 10 November 2014 (UTC)

Hi, I think 'Tantra' comes close, written with Funnybony, an Indian guy who thought we were Wikipedia and left the core of it after I told him we weren't, with some stuff added by a friend of mine as we talked on the phone. And then, of course, the Faces in the Cloud page (just search 'Guidebook') which seems to have been a case of real internet magic, that or a fun ongoing imaginary event to witness as I wrote. Haven't been around here at all for months. Is it still scary? Aleister 19:37, a year in which Hitler made some odd moves, 30-12, '14

Re-feature queue[edit source]

If you want, you can go to Uncyclopedia:Re-feature queue/Nominate and pick one featured article that you wrote to be re-featured. You can also pick three features written by someone else to re-feature. -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 18:21, 17 November 2014 (UTC)

I assume this project is a distant memory. I would have chosen the faces in a cloud page, and for others the my night with Bjork page, the Night of Broken Glass page, and lots of others to choose from for the third. Thanks for trying to let me know though. Aleister a few minutes after my answer above.

Hey Aleister! The re-feature queue is still functioning, so I'll add the ones you picked for you, if you wish! Anton (talk) 19:47, 30 December 2014 (UTC)

Anton, you're still here!! I really have to go now, but will be back soon. Great to 'see' you. Aleister soon later

Aleister, I am always watching you! 'See' you! Anton (talk) 19:52, 30 December 2014 (UTC)

Night of Broken Glass hasn't been featured... Yet! I nom-ed it once again. Concerning faces in clouds, did you mean Guidebook to the Voting Rights Movement related faces in the cloud? Or James Bevel's face in a cloud? Anton (talk) 19:59, 30 December 2014 (UTC)

Oh, that's right. Night of Broken Glass, an unfeatured masterpiece. I meant the Guidebook (all the faces except James Bevel's started to appear as I was writing the Bevel face in the clouds page, and I ended up writing on that page predicting who was going to eventually show up). When they got too crowded to keep writing on the Bevel page I started the Guidebook, which might be my peak of unintentional performance art here on uncy. Maybe I'll get back here and write a few more pages soon, but not for a couple of months at least. I've gotten out of the habit, and will have to reestablish that to get my attention working on this type of writing again. I've probably missed lots of really good articles by everyone. Thanks for keeping me nudged. Aleister 3:07 9 1 15

Have you ever tried automatic writing? You write whatever happens to pass through your head and never re-read yourself. I guess it's not a very accurate definition, but you get the point: here's a more accurate one. Anton (talk) 07:43, 9 January 2015 (UTC)

This is for yu buddy[edit source]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bFJugyeSV4&t=1m4s I wrote this song for you. That's me, that's my face. Not really. But I miss you. Rumours are going around that you have become a Tea Party Senator in Maryland, known for your famously hard-line or marijuana smokers. Leverage (talk) 20:42, 3 December 2014 (UTC)

Liar. You had me there for about a minute, seeing if you were that handsome guy, until I looked at the date. Been doing stuff, haven't had any urge at all to write satire, I guess after a good four year stint, on and off, I was satire out. Should drop in more often though to work on some things in progress. I just wrote a Johnny-from-Topeka UnNews, been awhile. I'll check in soon to see what's going on here, I have no clue. Off to do my senatorial duties. Aleister few minutes after my comment above

Welcome back![edit source]

It was a nice surprise to see your name on the front page. Hope you had a happy holiday. MadMax (talk) 06:11, 31 December 2014 (UTC)

Thanks. What did I have on the front page? Aleister 9 January 2015

This UnNews headline. MadMax (talk) 04:45, 9 January 2015 (UTC)

Fag[edit source]

fag FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG

--ShabiDOO 14:28, 29 October 2015 (UTC)

Remember when people used to be active at least once a year?[edit source]

Kevin Spacey and Brad Pit in the same movie lol

Super awesome happy "Seven deadly sins" competition where Shabidoo will win and everyone else colapses into suicidal depression fun week!!! SIGN UP!!! ShabiDOO 14:19, 15 May 2016 (UTC)

Happy Monkey Competition 2021[edit source]

Hey its HAPPY MONKEY TIME 2021 (Feb 21-28). Your favourite writing competition where we write articles on one another's suggested topics. Go ahead and sign up because the more users we have competiting the more ridonculously fun it is. If you don't wanna write you can sign up to judge! Sing up here. Remember it's not about writing a sure fire VFH article, but pushing the limits of your originality and creativity and spitting out an article on a topic you had never thought about writing before. Also...Shabidoo will love you forever and owe you like a zillion favours for it. He will literally do anything to please you if it means you participate. Happy Monkey Farts!!! ShabiDOO 15:29, 10 February 2021 (UTC)

It's beginning to look a lot like…[edit source]

See you next year! The first annual *Kiss My Ass* Holiday Competition has officially ended for 2021

Up for grabs is the coveted Clark Griswold Award for Holiday Cheer. Who will be crowned Holiday Victor?

Judgement day is upon ye!

Seasons Greetings!

It's that special time of year. A wonderful time for friends and family to rejoice in gaiety. Not you! You usually spend all of your hard-earned money on gifts for them, and now you just want to hibernate until your finances recuperate. Well, here at Uncyclopedia, entering our newest competition won't cost you a penny — Sign Up Today! (pretty please) – (ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN DUN 14:27, 13 December 2021

User talk:Aleister

POO[edit source]

eh up[edit source]

Hello![edit source]

hello again![edit source]

ATDB[edit source]

Catching up![edit source]

I have something wonderful to tell you![edit source]

Your next UnNews[edit source]

Question[edit source]

Cosmos[edit source]

BOOM!!![edit source]

Hilary[edit source]

Argylesocks[edit source]

MrN[edit source]

The Tao[edit source]

this image[edit source]

New article, do you have any tips?[edit source]

You silly sausage![edit source]

Your statement was incorrect[edit source]

Put on your good shoes[edit source]

Regarding...[edit source]

vfh template[edit source]

HMC[edit source]

Truganini[edit source]

Very late topic[edit source]

Seen this?[edit source]

Random Passing MrN...[edit source]

Give it up you cockblaster![edit source]

Preteen slut[edit source]

He's still warm[edit source]

GET BACK TO THE SITE ALI[edit source]

One quick question[edit source]

Re-feature queue[edit source]

This is for yu buddy[edit source]

Welcome back![edit source]

Fag[edit source]

Remember when people used to be active at least once a year?[edit source]

Happy Monkey Competition 2021[edit source]

It's beginning to look a lot like…[edit source]

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