User:Aleister/Mamie Eisenhower rewrite

Mamie Tiffany Pitstains-Eisenhower (November 14, 1896 – November 1, 1979) was the wife of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, and First Lady of the United States from 1953 to 1961.

Early life

Born in a cornfield in Cornfield, Iowa, Mamie grew up in relative comfort. Her father, who seldom molested her, retired at age 26 after making a fortune in the corn. She and her ten sisters grew up on his plantation with several slaves, a goat, and lots of time on their hands.

Marriage and family

She met Dwight Eisenhower at a pig roast in October 1915. The two hit it off immediately, smacking each other around a bit.

Then Eisenhower (who enjoyed impersonating a military officer) invited Mamie on a date, which of course is human-speak for "please ride my dick". Because of Eisenhower's lousy salary, they went on cheap dates, consisting usually of a negro lynching or a minstrel show. On Valentine's Day in 1916 he gave her three cases of herpes to seal their formal engagement.

Lieutenant Dwight D. Eisenhower and Mamie married, rode his dick, and then moved into a trashy trailer park in Houston, Texas. They lived happily ever after for awhile.

The Eisenhowers had two children (only one lived to maturity, the other died trying):

• Sticky "Icky" Fingers Eisenhower, Jr. (1917 – 1919) - died of being shaken to death by a drunken Mamie who was trying to shake the piss out of him.
• Joey Eisenhower (born 1922) – could clean-jerk 520 pounds.

For years, Mamie Eisenhower's life followed the pattern of other Army wives: a daily beating from her husband, drunk before noon, an affair with the paper boy, smoke some weed, stop her husband from committing suicide, beat the kids until they fall asleep, then let her husband rape her before lights out.

During World War II, while promotion and fame came to Ike because he decided to galavant around Europe, his wife lived in New York City seducing soldiers and sailors on leave and letting little boys stuff rolls of pennies up her Ike. "I like Ike," they'd yell.

First Lady of the United States

On a cold day in hell Dwight Eisenhower was elected President of the United States in 1952. The Eisenhowers celebrated their first night in the White House with a housewarming orgy with the staff, who were certainly surprised at this turn of events after an orgyless few decades (see Teddy Roosevelt, rough rider). Mamie and Ike went on to entertain an unprecedented number of dictators and leaders of governments who wore funny looking clothing and laughed at them for being so poor. As First Lady, Mamie's whorish manner endeared her to America's tax dollars, and she spent them wildly throughout the '50s.

As First Lady, Mamie was a bossy hostess and carefully guarded her possessions from being stolen by the White House staff. A well known and popular D.C. drunk, Mrs. Eisenhower would stumble around the White House and puke on many of the priceless paintings of the former Presidents. By 4:00 in the afternoon she would take a nap in the White House Press Briefing room, where many of the reporters would undress her and take hilariously staged nude photos of the First Lady.

Mrs. Eisenhower hated the idea of John F. Kennedy coming into office following her husband's term. Despite new First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy having given birth to her son John Jr. through caesarean section just a couple of weeks prior, Mamie yelled at Jackie to "toughen up bitch" and then threw the newly-born baby out the front door. Mamie was a total bitch during the private tour, but Jackie kept calm while in Mrs. Eisenhower's presence. At lunch Mamie pissed in Jackie's cup of "tea" when she wasn't looking. When later asked by her biographer why she would do such a thing to Mrs. Kennedy, Mamie said, "Because I just didn't like the skinny bitch."

Later life

In 1961 Mrs. Eisenhower retired with the former president to Pennsylvania. Dwight died in 1969, but Mamie kept his corpse in the bed and continued to live a full life filled with sex, drugs, and rock & roll throughout the 1970s. Mamie, widowed and general-less, was still horny as ever. She would travel across the United States and Canada with Ike's corpse (she really liked Ike) going to colleges and high schools to pay young men and to have sex with her and Ike. It went on like this for years.

Then, in 1979, Mamie decided to die for awhile, ending the life of one of the most amazing women in American history (and a damn fine cook to boot).

Preceded by: Bess Truman

First Lady of the United States 1953–1961

Succeeded by: Jacqueline Kennedy