The corporation is an entity which, while being controlled by a small number of living persons and controlling a much greater number, exists completely separately from these people. This gives the corporation unique powers, unmatched by any other entity in the universe.
Most of secondary corporate properties are unknown, but lead to corporations being despised by nearly all liberals and being given a tax-cut by nearly all conservatives. It has been scientifericiously proven that only eight corporations may exist in the entire world at any given time, so what you are looking at may be an "old-fashioned concern" of interest only to unemployed complainers and people from the "old world". It has also been scientifericiously proven that the corporation is a hungry unstoppable psychopathic monster. It has not been so rigourously proven, but claimed that corporations are caring entities which are the engine behind sound and sustainable development, a more caring society and the continual development and improvement of photocopy machine room resource management.
Examples of real-world corporations include the Extra Inter-Union Aerospace Index Entity, MORE AND MORE Inc., and the Regional Joint Holdings Merger Conglomerate Group Ltd. Unlimited. The latter is known for its human beings consumption. Corporations earned the right to be treated as human beings in the landmark Faceless vs. US Government case. This is due to the blindingly obvious fact that they are people, to which anyone passing them on the street will attest. However, they are definitely distinguished by their superpowers, such as News Corps' ability to make every single preteen girl and homosexual in America watch American Idol. Viewers of the show are usually then immediately seen afterwards walking like zombies to purchase tampons and iPods.
Types[edit | edit source]
Publicly held[edit | edit source]
In this form, and the most popular, the venturist tricks everyone in America into each buying a piece of paper saying that they, as a group, own 53% of the corporation. However, the venturist sets them up the bomb, as 80% of shares is required in order to have a majority voting control interest. At this point, however, the system backfires on the venturist; in a process not dissimilar to overconsumption of the spice melange, the venturist is consumed by the board members in an elegant ceremony in the board room done on modern china sets with trusted servants. He, in this process most in effect, becomes a corporation, and benefits both in his finances and in his love life as a result, although as a venturist he is indemnified by the corporation's existence and need not be concerned with the legality of his own conduct, so long as he does it through the corporation. It is in this way that The BP Oil Spill happened. This formation of corporations is unpleasant, but it is pursued for the destitution it can bring, due to the confusing effects of the interrobang. More on that later.
Privately held[edit | edit source]
This variation is popular with those for which a lot is never enough, who wish to become more than married to someone. At this point, the initiator of the corporate bond enters the other individual, commonly known as a sleeping partner due to his or her role in the relationship, into the charter. The two individuals merge, then reproduce via budding. No one buys shares in these companies because they are unpleasant to think about and leave a mess which no one cleans up.
Protected and package-held[edit | edit source]
These corporate forms are products of the corporate words themselves (babies so to speak) and so are unstable at the beginning. It is a felony to unpackage such a corporation before it is ready. Previous disasters of doing so resulted in The Irish Potato Famine, Enron, Facebook, Hiroshima, Oprah Winfrey Corp., Canada and several other world atrocities.
Forming a corporation[edit | edit source]
Obtaining corporate status is an agonizing process. It begins when you enter a particle research lab and are shredded to bits by magnets spinning really fast.
Establish rules[edit | edit source]
Figure out the minimum number of slaves your corporation will have. No self-respecting corporation can have fewer than ten thousand and will not be granted a charter otherwise. Slaves may include actual enslaved humans in chains, workers in concentration camps, data entry clerks from Mexico or illegal Asian immigrants who sleep in the building they work in. Sweat shop workers are not considered slaves per se unless they are under the age of 15 and are tied down to the table they are working at. Prostitutes are not considered slaves either unless they have been flown in from Ukraine for the explicit and exclusive will of corporate board members in which case each count as two slaves.
Reserve a corporate name[edit | edit source]
This is like reserving a domain name, because all the good ones are taken. Good corporate names that are still available include Investment-Ay Entures-Vay, MORE MORE & MORE Inc., and pepsimonkey476.
NOTE: Quite often, corporate names are derived by combining the names of the founders.
- Wellington & Farewell became The Welfare Corporation.
- Nowels, Yurbell & Scewdson became Nowyurscrewd, Inc.
- Texaco, IBM & Bank of America became The Republican Party.
Form the articles of incorporation[edit | edit source]
This is a formal document containing rules designed to keep you from going rampant and killing everyone with your superpowers.
Note: Concocting a solid Mission Statement is the most vital step in setting up any kind of corporate bylaws. Mission Statements will draw the public's attention away from the fact that none of your employees are following the rules anyway. Good Mission Statements are:
- Making the World a better place.
- How could you possibly survive without us?
- -Facebook Inc
- Would you like fries with that?
- -Lehman Brothers
- Who left the seat up again and what on earth is that in there?
Hire a lawyer[edit | edit source]
Everyone usually in the corporate world is being sued at any given time, so this will make your company completely bulletproof if you have a good lawyer. In case some brat spills coffee all over himself or herself you are well covered. If you release an unnatural disaster on the world, having political connections and doing so in a poor area of the country, will usually create a problem that will take care of itself with a bit of extra cash flow.
Other uses[edit | edit source]
- Corporation is an act native to Japan, first coined in 1779 by Junichiro Koizumi in a speech to Lower Parliament.
|“||The act of corporation is a rovery way to spend an evening with someone you rove.||”|
- It is a well-known fact that during a call with help-desks of evil corporations, your phone will start to smell like evil. It is a temporary scent that usually wafts away.
- It is important to know that quite often, the looks and feels of products produced by evil corporations are deceiving. Most of the time the products have no evil look and/or feel in them. Beware that this is just a lie which often drives people to using more products of evil corporations.
Prominent corporations[edit | edit source]
Prominent modern-day corporations include:
- Ben & Jerry's
- Blizzard Entertainment
- The Catholic Church
- Cookie Monster Corporation
- Dewey Cheatham and Howe
- Direct Energy
- Frost & Sullivan
- Home Depot
- Home Shopping Network
- Hourman Corps.
- J.P. Morgan
- Kentuckistan Fried Virgin
- Locally Branded Global Food Dynamics
- Shinra, Inc.
- Monza Corp.
- Paradox Interactive
- Poser Mobile
- Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
- Silicon Graphics
- Unlucky Fried Kitten
- Your Mom