Amanda Vanstone

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“She makes me look like a supermodel!”

~ Jabba the Hutt on Amanda Vanstone

“She's a man, durr.”

“Fat Ugly Fuck!.”

~ John Daly

Amanda Jabba Vanstone (born 7th December 1952), Australian asylum seeker/refugee and illegal immigrant consumer and fatty woman with testicles, has set a record for biggest Liberal Party of Australia member since being recruited by John Howard in 1998 to eat asylum seekers held in Australia's detention centres and to breathe fresh life into the Department of Immigration and Racial Consumption. In her time in office Amanda has brought unprecedented success and morale to the department's workers through the development of her own delicious and cost-effective recipes for preparing the refugees for the direct consumption of the Australian public. Amanda also takes pride in being the primary instigator of a landmark deal with McDonalds, with Australia's detention centres now supplying refugees and asylum seekers at a rate cheaper than the desiccated llama foetuses previously used by McDonalds.

Amanda doing what she does best.

Childhood[edit | edit source]

Despite the success and career fulfillment she now ejoys Amanda was not always the happy hippo she is today. She had an unhappy childhood, a result of the violent temper of her father,Jabba the Hutt who would frequently take out his anger on Amanda and her mother Kerry Packer. Jabba's violence culminated in a divorce from Packer in 1965, when Amanda was just 13 years old and a mere 2500 kilograms. Growing up with Mr. Packer,Amanda learnt, from looking at the dog-like face her mother that she was, amazingly, not the ugliest assemblage of matter since Alexander Downer. She gained confidence in herself and was finally able to stand up to the schoolchildren that teased her for her weight, size, hairy tits and vagina and slug-like invertebrate body. When confronted with bullying Amanda screamed her warcry "Get in my belly!" and consumed the minute machiavellian concerned. Her use of human consumption (in her case not technically cannibilism) as a means of self-defence eventually culmiated into the professional skill that she now employs in the Australian government.

Mandy attended a school in the Eastern suburbs of Adelaide that people actually pay to attend. The school, Some Random Saint's Collegiate Girls' School, is the second most pretentious girl's only school in the state, second only to See-More.

Policies[edit | edit source]

Amanda has always been a maverick within the Howard government. Not only is she the only female cabinet minister but she is the only one that has a list of policies that all involve her digestive system, directly or indirectly. Below is Amanda's own policy speech made on her appointment to office in 1998:

"#All non-Anglo-Saxon people that enter Australia without going through the proper channels, that is, my intestines, regardless of age or gender, deserve to be marinated, fried and eaten.

  1. Children are to be served doused in chicken salt.
  2. Conditions at detention centres are to be truly awful so that people are driven to suicide, thereby cutting the cost of syringes and chemicals for lethal injections.
  3. If a refugee decides to be a smartarse by going on a hunger strike to shed weight and avoid being eaten they are to be minced up and served in a sauce containing copious amounts of chicken salt which more substantial human portions can be dipped into.
  4. Azn taste pwns.
  5. All detainees are to bathe in a solution of butter and chicken salt.
  6. Eskimos have the highest natural fat content of all races...should an Eskimo ever be detained I will ensure that they are treated as a delicacy by using chocolate on them in addition to butter and chicken salt.

After being in so many different departments within the Federal Government, Amanda earned the prestigious title of Penis Fingers - because everything she touched, she fucked up.

Quotes[edit | edit source]

  1. "This is my kind of skum - fearless and inventive ... and tasty."
  2. "At last we have the mighty Chewy-caramel-bar."

Quotes About[edit | edit source]

  1. Shaun Micallef: "If Amanda Vanstone wants to be taken seriously as a politician I suggest she stop wearing that blouse with the chairs on it".