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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Hello son. Yes, you, my boy. I've seen you knocking on the doors of those people. Why is not important. So you say you've been brutally raping anyone who answers, but God forgives. Sodomy and murder are simply stepping-stones to be overcome. Well, I would like to help you with this. I do not know how to ask this of someone who's actually listening, so I suppose I'll just come out and say it. Do you know that the world is due to end soon? We said that many times, the last time in 1975. We were wrong before but we're sure we're right now.

No, no, my son. I asked if you accepted Jehovah, not the perverted message that has been filtered through thousands of years of pillaging, murder, corruption, and Apocrypha. No, their heretical teachings are a far cry from the true message of God. We Jehovah's Witnesses, unlike our foolish brethren, do not believe in such foolish things as trinity, gun control, and heavy laxative use. Instead, we preach about how we should all follow God through Jesus Christ. Intelligent Design is of course true because the Bible says so. In this, we are entirely separate and distinct from the Catholic Church. In fact, we are entirely different from any other form of Christianity. We believe that Jesus, eternally begotten of the father (God from God, light from light, true God from true God), died not on a cross but a torture stake, built not only from wood but from the sweat and tears of Vietnamese sweatshop workers. We believe that homosexuality is gay, premarital sex is homosexual, and doing or being either will require intense service to God. Please leave your trousers alone son. Premarital wanking is a sin. So is all wanking. However, only by following us can you gain this providence, as we are the true followers. As a side note, we do not accept gays into the Church. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?

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In the news [edit]

Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States

The Kremlin: Vladimir Putin "totally didn't participate in a Pride parade, nothing to see here.."
Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit
Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy
Michael Jackson comes back to life
Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton · The NBA logo guy
Upcoming deaths: Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity

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On this day [edit]

"Mama, what's that in the sky?" "Food, dear boy, food."

June 16: World Hunger Appreciation Day

1586 - Mary, Queen of Scots drinks tea, foregoes crumpet, is thrown into the Tower of London by Elizabeth I.
1858 - Abraham Lincoln famously states that a house divided against itself cannot support itself very well and might very well lean to one side or perhaps fall over.
1897 - The United States, jealous of England's cliff lined beaches, officially annexes Hawaii and oppresses the natives.
1963 - Communism sends first woman into space. Capitalism sends first chicken sandwich into space. (Pictured)
1978 - Newton G. Hardwick of Nantucket steals a box of toothpicks from a local Wal-Mart and goes on a rampage, leaving one person bruised and five more slightly peeved.
1996 - Woman visits local bakery that for some inexplicable reason is still in business.
2002 - The inventor of the Comic Sans font is bludgeoned to death by graphic designers, it's just a font you monsters.

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