Warner Bros.
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STUDIO FOLLIES: HOW TO LOSE MONEY AND ALIENATE AUDIENCES, DIRECTORS, ACTORS ... hell, EVERYONE!
Warner Bros. "Entertainment" Inc. (commonly known as Warner Bros. and abbreviated as WB) is a bunch of formerly rich, now broke douchey bureaucrats posing as an American diversified multinational mass media and entertainment conglomerate headquartered at the Warner Bros. Studios complex in Burbank, California, and a subsidiary of blah blah blah, who cares? They are the state mouthpiece of the Warner People's Democratic Republic and they put out whatever they want to put. You don't like it, they fight you.
The company is known for its film studio division the Warner Bros. Pictures Group and as of late, their cheap production values and for meddling with every director that comes their way. In fact, since 2014, the drama that occurs between studio heads and directors are even more entertaining than the movies that come out. So much that Discovery is thinking of buying them and making them a reality TV company only. The studio also owns CNN, Warner "Music" Group and HBO Max where you can stream all the content to your heart's desire. What, you don't like their content or plans? They fight you.
Warners also purportedly owns characters such as Harry Potter, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and DC Comics and its superheroes including Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman. They've been taking such bad care of them that Disney is seriously considering filing a report to Child Protective Services against Warner Bros. for making such bad movies with them so that they themselves can adopt these characters for slavery to the glorious Mouse on Moron Mountain. Quick, someone call Michael Jordan!
The good ol' days[edit | edit source]
The age of actual Warner Brothers[edit | edit source]
Warners was founded in 1923 by brothers Hacko, Yacko, Wacko, and Jacko Warner. Their sister Dot tried to join in the venture but got kicked out of the "Just Us League" by the boys. Furious, she went and started Columbia Pictures down the street with the Cohn brothers a few years later.
Warner Brothers eventually found its niche making R-rated, raunchy films and cartoons, leaking in satanic jokes in their kids cartoons featuring Bugs, Daffy, Wile E. Coyote, and the Loony Tunes gang. They also created the first "talking film" The Jazz Singer, never mind it was about a dude playing a dude disguised as a singing black dude, which is now probably considered racist. Unfortunately, Wacko died while attempting auto-erotic asphyxiation for the first time the night before that film premiered.
Eventually Warner Bros. found stars such as Bette Davis, Frank Sinatra, John Wayne, and Clint Eastwood and made a bunch of films about Tha Thug Life. Dot and Walt Disney didn't like it and eventually decided to be killjoys and told on the brothers to the teachers at the MPAA for making overly raunchy films, and everyone, even the Cohn Brothers at Columbia who were making even raunchier films, had to take a time out and only make G-rated films from the 1930s to the 1960s under the new Hollywood Code.
During these "dark days" of American filmmaking, Jacko Warner took over control of the studio from his surviving brothers.. er, wrested control of it through a shady business deal with the mafia. Hacko and Yacko didn't like it? Too bad! Jacko became dictator over the company and exiled Hacko and Yacko, who died alone and broke. Jacko then developed a mantra to make whatever movies he wanted. Actors and actresses didn't like it? He fought 'em. Fortunately for Jacko, his decisions were actually somewhat reasonable and made Warner Bros. quite a bit of money, so that became the template for the studio's business decisions going forward. Jacko bought a swimming pool full of gold coins with all the money he made, and eventually died from attempting to dive into it Scrooge McDuck style. Hmm, how did Wacko and Jacko die from completely idiotic decisions? Must have been from the drugs they took while making The Jazz Singer. Jacko had also become senile by then.
Warner Bros. in name only[edit | edit source]
After Jacko died, the new management at Warner Bros. decided to finally take the red pill and give directors more control over their films, and the studio eventually came out with some iconic, groundbreaking films such as Bonnie and Clyde, Superman: The Movie, Bladerunner, Full Metal Jacket, the Batman movies with Michael Keaton, Space Jam, The Matrix, 300, and Inception. Pleasantly surprised at their success, the studio heads were like "do it again!" Unfortunately, you can only make so many decent sequels with a "revolutionary" new idea, and after the directors inevitably ran into writers' block, Warners management stepped in and started making idiotic decisions and insisting that films be pushed out despite being half-baked. Directors didn't like it? Too bad, Warners fought them to release them half-baked. The result: duds such as Superman IV: the Quest for Peace, Catwoman, Batman & Robin: Nipple Edition, The Matrix: Resurrections, Jonah Hex, Tenet, Space Jam: Lebron Edition, and whatever the DC Extended Universe turned out as.
The Warner/Disney war[edit | edit source]
On May 27th 1971, The Mickey Mouse League made a surprise attack on Warner Brothers Studios upon receiving information of the death of their lead counsel member Annette. Funicello's death had been an assassination ordered by the original Warner brothers and backed by the Warner sister Dot. Frankie Avalon was allegedly hired to lure Annette to a California beach and play beach blanket bingo with her, but instead assassinated her with a .22 caliber firearm attached to his penis.
Numerous people died in the attack, including Jack Sparrow who was shot at by both sides, the Seven Dwarves who were bitch-slapped to death by Tyrion Lannister, Goofy who was skewered by King Leonidas then lasered to death by Henry Cavill's Superman in slo-mo, but also longtime Warner Bros. Studios psychiatrist Dr. Scratch-N-Sniff, studio actor Chicken Boo while he was wearing a disguise to look human, all of the previous actors who played Batman, Daffy Duck being completely unaware that it was really duck season and not rabbit season, and Warner Bros.' biggest loss, the great Bugs Bunny as Daffy firmly held him preventing his escape while maniacally screaming "If I'm gonna die, I'm taking thitthh goddamn rabbit with me!!" The war has been ongoing for the past 40 years sustaining over 1.3 million casualties and $4 quintillion in property damage so far, but also making for some good views and trillions of $$ on YouTube, Disney+, and HBO Max. What, you don't like this content? Go watch iCarly on Paramount+ or something.
Actually, Warners just realized this "Warner/Disney War" franchise was getting stale and that any gross revenue they made would pale in comparison to all the lawsuits filed by everyone. They decided to reboot everything, bringing back Bugs, Daffy, the imposters pretending to be the Warner bros and sister, and all those folks to try this all over again, as fans were upset by Bugs' and Daffy's deaths. Unfortunately, those fans continue to be upset as the resurrected Bugs and Daffy "just aren't the same".
New "money" strategy[edit | edit source]
After years of risk-taking and growth, Warners management, now led by Ted Turner, decided to take the blue pill and think everything is fine in the late 1990s and 2000s. They ultimately reversed course on their revolutionary accomplishments in film and media and are deploying these unorthodox methods to make money and brainwash the masses:
The Wacko Jacko filmmaking method[edit | edit source]
Named in honor of Warner bros Wacko and Jacko (and totally not this Wacko Jacko), this new patented filmmaking method now allows studio executives to turn into overbearing assholes, meddle with directors' creative visions and overwork everyone involved with the film to the point they have to cope by shooting coke and engaging in auto-erotic asphyxiation, wasting on average $300 million in budgeting per film. Directors and actors don't like these totally reasonable mandates from senile old men? "Too bad, there's the door!" Just ask Richard Donner, that constantly screaming lady from The Shining, Chris Columbus, Zack Snyder, David Ayer, Ray Fisher, Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Johnny Depp, and Christopher Nolan.
Eventually the studio heads like Wile E. Coyote, Kevin Tsujihara and Toby Emmerich wind up directing the films themselves or finding a fraud like Joss Whedon to "fix" the film to their standards. "What, audiences don't like the end result? Let's fight 'em and the directors we fired! It's their fault!"
The WB and the CW: cringey teen shows for dayz[edit | edit source]
At first these channels worked at drawing in teens with soapy drama shows such as Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, 90210 and Green Arrow. Then they started getting cheap and all political with these shows, "gently" prioritizing woke gender identity politics over a good story in every new show like The Flash, Supergirl, and Batwoman because that's what the teen girl masses like, right? Don't like it? "Fine, we'll pump up the reviews with fake good reviews and get even worse screenwriters and special effects. That's what you get for ... Hey, where'd everybody go?"
Owning your cable services[edit | edit source]
Warners/Turner created Time Warner Cable and included WB movies and TV channels with every package to get more folks to watch their stuff. They bought out all the small cable companies to bring the Warner Way to the people's television sets en-masse. This worked until Time Warner got greedy and started hiking up prices when DSL and dial-up died and left Time Warner as the only internet service available. Then Verizon came along and gave a cheaper service. Go figure.
Commie News Network[edit | edit source]
- Further information: CNN
Also included with Turner was CNN, America's premier 24/7 news network. This channel spit out the truths and was a legit news channel until management saw what Fox "News" was doing. Now they've become Fox News left and hired blabbering anchors like Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon to try to spew out the same left lies promoted on the CW. "What, folks don't like us and are switching to Fox News? They want real news? We'll ... We'll ... It's Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon's fault! We'll fight 'em hehehe ..."
Buying your favorite indie studio[edit | edit source]
Warners has another backup plan: if they ever run out of ideas, they'll simply buy out a small, fledgling studio like Rooster Teeth so that they can keep making content such as Red vs Blue and make profits off of it.
"Oh shit, people actually like this content! Let's shut down Rooster Teeth and blame it on inflation and high costs! And we'll force-feed them our shitty CW shows instead! Dweebs and gamers don't like it? Well too bad! ..Wait, why are more people canceling their HBO Max subscriptions?"
Lawsuits[edit | edit source]
Don't like any of these? They sue you for the big bucks!
Results[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately you can't win over the masses and brainwash them if none of these are working.
Fan feedback[edit | edit source]
Since the fallout with longtime directors Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder, fans have kept pushing slogans such as #RestoreTheSnyderVerse. Ha! "You don't like our new direction with DC's characters, you're not real fans," according to Warner Bros. president Ann Sarnoff, taking a note from J.J. Abrams and Kathleen Kennedy at Lucasfilm. In direct response to fans wanting more Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck as Superman and Batman, the studio promptly responded by sending an Amazon "special delivery" to Cavill consisting of nothing more than a package containing literal doodoo from Sarnoff and Walter Hamada and a punch to the dick, then announced its decision to gender-swap Supes as a black woman and resurrect the corpse of Adam West as Batman in the upcoming film The Flash for the sake of "inclusivity". Don't like it? They fight you.
As for Affleck, WB is actually still hiring him ... to dress up like Batman and quell the dissenters. That way he can still be somewhat affiliated with the DC Extended Universe and take out his anger issues, just not on screen. Don't like it? He'll be coming to your house ... to beat you up.
HBO Max[edit | edit source]
Due to coronavirus, Warner Bros. decided to implement a bold new film distribution strategy, putting all their films on the new streaming platform rather than putting them in the theaters where they belonged. Directors besides Christopher Nolan didn't like this? Warners fought them and scared them off from making any more movies unless they did it for free, which at first allowed the studio to save money on production costs. Unfortunately, since 2021, the studio has been hemorrhaging money after deciding to put all its films on HBO Max, unaware that everyone just keeps making new accounts with new emails to bypass paying the actual fee. Essentially, people are watching all of WB's movies for free and outsmarting WB's "smarts".
Warners' management doesn't like this development. They are now fighting reality as Discovery inches towards buying them out and are coping by taking more blue pills and making more and more idiotic decisions. At this rate it seems like they'll wind up in Arkham Asylum rather than in Discovery's hands ...
End credits[edit | edit source]
- Directed by Michael Bay
- Produced by Brett Rapist
- Story written by and practically re-directed and reshot at the last minute by Joss Whedon
- Interfered, meddled with, and butchered by Toby Emmerich, Geoff Johns, Ann Sarnoff, and Walter Hamada
- Left to rot and fester instead of being properly rebooted by the above.
- Rejected by the fans
- Special thanks to the original Warner brothers, who graciously left behind this studio so that the idiots above could run it right into the ground. Now they're all rolling in their graves!
Oh look, a post credits scene![edit | edit source]
David Zaslav, the longtime CEO of the Discovery Channel and newly anointed conqueror of Warner Bros., walks around the decimated remains of the WB studio lot. Shortly after Zaslav spent all his life earnings on this lot, Walter Hamada, Ann Sarnoff and Toby Emmerich burned it straight to the ground after throwing hissy fits to The Hollywood Reporter continuing to insult Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan while calling all their fans "Twitter bots". The only thing remaining is a studio cut of Batgirl, which cost $90 billion to make and is straight trash.
Zaslav doesn't like what he sees. He decides to fight reality by writing off the $90 billion movie as a tax write-off without even releasing it, and starts to write off spending all his money on this studio as a massive tax write-off. Several shows and films were thrown into the fire thanks to Zaslav's fit of hysteria, including the somewhat-underrated Final Space TV show and a planned film about Wile E. Coyote having a legal dispute with the megacorporation Acme (oh, the irony...).
Eventually Zaslav's ass and what remains of this company is set to be bought out by Comcast/Universal or something, once the IRS catches on and arrests him for such idiocy, tossing him in the same cell as Sarnoff, Hamada, and Emmerich once he becomes just like them...
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