# Imaginary numbers

**Imaginary Numbers** are defined in Mathematics as numbers so big, you can't even think about how big they are. However, a parallel school of thought claims that the concept of an imaginary number of based on the ancient Indian war game "I am thinking of a number from one to ten". A fair guess in this case would be seven (7)(VII), as the Indians have had the number placed in their minds for time everlasting, via government-sanctioned casino math. It is currently believed that the smallest imaginary number is approximately **a google**, which happens to be the income of a similarly named, but more capitalized, company.

## History[edit | edit source]

Unwise men in the Ancient Kingdom of Arabia were the first men to dabble in the field of Imaginary Number Theory, having grown tired of Algebra and pork many years earlier, and looking for something to raise them above the common folk. An increase in reality TV shows only heightened awareness of this problem. Thus, the Imaginary Number was born. It was said that only the wisest of the wise could hold these numbers in their head, and later, an entire field of alchemy would be devoted to expanding the mind to hold ever bigger numbers, in order to improve Araby's national export, French Toast. LSD was the final result of this research, allowing limited expansion of the Imaginary Number capability of the human brain, with some side effects. Somewhat perversely, the invented drug increased desire for French Toast and by increasing local consumption destroyed the export economy.

Shortly after their discovery in Araby, it was also discovered that one who had mastered this higher number theory could severely injure the minds of those less capable using number bullets. By the first Crusade, this technique had been mastered to such levels that the Arabic armies were able to utilise it as a weapon against the Christian animators, thus preventing excessive Christian usage of cartoons.

The introduction of the imaginary number to modern calculus was a disaster. Bar brawls between drunken mathematicians were commonplace, and Carl Friedrich Gauss held all real numbers from 45 to 8,472 hostage for 444 days in a vain attempt to repel the imaginaries. Today, it has taken hold in most aspects of mathematics, and all seven people who understand its use agree that its introduction was a mistake.

## An imaginary number[edit | edit source]

**Removed by the Society for the Preservation of Enough Laughing Llamas**

**Imaginary numbers** are numbers that calculus has proven not to exist, despite their common appearance in daily life. Doctors believe that the perception of imaginary numbers is a reliable early warning for brain damage.

If you know of or have perceived any of the following numbers, please seek medical attention immediately.

- 235635467357845e1(.Y.)18/0
- x
- Twiddly-two
- Twentington
- Ump
- Oodle
- 8
- Eleventeen
- 17
- 29
- Thirty-twelve
- -0
- +0
- Benjamin Franklin
- e
- 1337
- 666
- 1024
- Any number between 1936 and 1944, if you're in Germany
- 1945
- 1984
- 1987
- 1989, if you're a citizen of People's Republic of China
- Flub ( = 0 / 0), as represented in the Theory of Flubbitivity.
- this red number 7734
- That funny symbol Prince uses
- Shinty-six
- Eleventy
- Numberwang

These numbers should really never have existed, but it is because mathematicians have far too much time on their hands, that they made these up. Most mathematicians fantasize far too much, and it would be better for them to learn practical skills like novel writing and gardening and getting girlfriends for their nerdy selves, as that would limit the damage that is done to their brains. Well, unless their girlfriends (boyfriends?) are blonde, which may cause them to catch Severe Stupidity Syndrome.

## The Unit Formerly Known As <latex>\sqrt{-1}</latex>[edit | edit source]

Like some sort of psychic, the imaginetician Sir Isaac Newton invented Calculus because of a dare he made with his archnemesis Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz. However, Leibniz PWND Newton, promptly embraced and extended Newton's invention, and licensed it bundled with his binary system. Leibniz's harsh business practices forced mathematicians everywhere to seek a new system of numbers that would be free of the constraints of reality. These attempts cumulated in The Imaginary Unix, also known as The Unix for The Desktop, but this was perceived as an oxymoron and abandoned. Later, in the 18th century, German massuer Euler discovered an ancient Egyptian papyrus. Since he couldn't read hiroglyphics, he tossed the papyrus into his fireplace and went to sleep. He dreamt of the forumula <latex>e^{\pi i}+1=0</latex>. He didn't know what it meant. All of this was getting tedious, so Jebus intervened and handed Euler a thesis on the square root of minus one. It said, in so many words and graphs and elaborate formulas, that numbers don't have to be natural, or rational, or even stupid. Numbers could be completely made up, sometimes part real and part made up. This ushered the age of post-modern mathematics, "lateral" thinking, and "interpreted" views of reality. It made calculations in many areas of mathematics much easier, because they didn't have to make sense anymore. Euler became famous for this, thanks to Jesus, and even today German massuers use his invention to overprice their services. But you wouldn't know that, since you've never been to Germanistan.

## Relation between the imaginary unit and drinking[edit | edit source]

It has been proved^{[citation needed]} that there is a relation between the imaginary unit <latex>i = \sqrt{-1}</latex> and drinking alcohol. The connection wasn't known until the late 20th century, when Russian mathematicians were studying the effect of vodka on woodchucks, and discovered what will later be known as "the theorem of the drunk woodchuck".

The theorem states that, given a sufficiently large quantity of alcohol, drinking it is equivalent to multiplying your perception of reality by the number <latex>i</latex>. That briefly explained means that you stop perceiving the objects around you as real, and conversely, begin to believe that the products of your imagination are actually real. Unfortunately, you would discover that everything in your new reality is not exactly as you imagined it, and the things are rather upside-down and your experience is exactly the opposite as it should have been.

Stated mathematically, this means that, if <latex>x</latex> is the reality, and <latex>y</latex> is the immense world of your imagination, than your perception of it when you're sober will be <latex>z = x+iy</latex> and when drunk it would get distorted as <latex>iz = ix - y</latex>. The transformation <latex>C_2H_5OH(z) = iz</latex> is known as excessive drinking function or ethanol transformation, and studying it as an analytic function has resulted in huge advances in the study of the effects of alcohol on people.

You can also notice the ethanol transformation describes a simple rotation of the perception of reality plane by <latex>\pi</latex>. Due to the irrational value of the perception rotation, it can cause a buffer overflow of reality to occur, which can lead to various unpleasant effects, ranging from security compromises and exploitation of the person experiencing the transformation to a major crash and complete destruction of his life.

Because of the difficulties of understanding the real value of the irrational figure, there are a few schools of thought, which utilize non-standard values for <latex>\pi</latex>. Notable example of this is the value <latex>3</latex> used in the Bible. The use of non-standard values leads to even less understanding of the complexity of the ethanol transformation and to even more unexplained effects for those who try to experience the transformation with the non-standard values hard-coded. That's the reason why the excessive drinking function is not much popular there. It's also the reason why alcohol is rarely served on 22 July, the Pi Approximation Day.

The first derivative of the Ethanol Transformation, which is also incorrectly known as the Vinegar Function, is constant, meaning that the effect of the alcohol is distributed evenly along the plane of all perceptions of reality. The fact that the Vinegar Function has a value <latex>i</latex> for any perception of reality <latex>z</latex>, is the reason for the imaginary unit to be also sometimes called "the alcohol effect".

## Imaginary apples[edit | edit source]

Imaginary numbers are very simple. Let's say that you have one imaginary tree, with one imaginary apple. If this imaginary apple falls on your head, you have been hitting the imaginary vodka too hard and you're imagining gravity which is mathematically equal to <latex>-9.81</latex>m/s^2 Simple.

## Controversy surrounding imaginary numbers[edit | edit source]

Starting in mid-1999, various religious groups gained notoriety by lobbying to prevent the teaching of imaginary numbers. As a school of thought, they are especially prevalent in the Bible belt, and adherents claim the movement grew out of a smaller, more liberal group which simply rejected strongly inaccessible cardinals.

These pious protests have caused much confusion amongst the general population, which had become accustomed to religious groups endorsing the teaching of imaginary things. Below is an excerpt from the very first article to mention the debate in a major news outlet. It ran in a September 1999 edition of the *Daily Groin*.

**Education watchdog group wants atheism out of mathematics**

*Wichita, Kansas, September 5, 1999*

The Citizens Committee for American Education (CCAE), a Wichita-based public education watchdog group, filed a petition yesterday with the Kansas Board of Education, demanding that imaginary numbers be removed from public high school mathematics curricula.

The petition was filed in the wake of the Kansas board’s controversial decision to make teaching of biological evolution optional in public schools. It claims that imaginary numbers are taught as a part of "complex number theory" and insists that only facts, not theories, should be taught in public schools.

Imaginary numbers are usually taught in high school algebra, and students learn to manipulate quantities that are square roots of negative numbers. Detractors hold these to be in contradiction of chapter 19 of the book of Numbers in the Bible, specifically verses 2 through 14:

And lo, if thou multipliest a number by itself again, yea, even in the joining of two copies of the same number in holy Multiplication, verily shalt thou obtain a nonnegative number; not below zero, nor even below minus one, but above them in the usual ordering of the integers, and righteously shalt thou put the plus sign in front of thy result, unless it be zero, in which case abstain thee of writing either the plus or minus sign, but leave it plainly zero. So sayeth the Lord.

Traditional mathematicians point out that this section denies the existence of any numbers besides the integers, and that the world's economy depends on rational numbers to account for cents. This turned out to be another sensitive issue with the faithful, and in a telephone interview CCAE spokesman Bo Jangles angrily replied that "the term *rational number* is insulting to Christians of all denominations. There is nothing *irrational* in looking to the Bible for mathematical guidance. What is irrational is burning in hell forever just because of so-called fractions."

Jangles's main concern however, was complex numbers, and he declared CCAE to be worried.

"Numbers that are imaginary or make-believe show just how far secular-humanist new-age thinking has corrupted the education of our young people. If children are taught that it's OK to make up numbers with convenient properties when you need them, doesn't this send a message that it's OK to make up a God with convenient characteristics as well? Would you like your child to say that they has just defined a God that approves of drugs and orgies?"

Kansas State University Mathematics Department chairman, Hrundi V Bakshi commented on the petition saying "[These people] are kooks who know nothing about mathematics and want to pass laws to make sure no one else knows anything. Complex number theory is the basis of science and that won't change even if Kansas decides to return to the Stone Age." The Board of Education declined official comment on the petition, however Dennis Clapp, a past board member, said "It's important to clean up our schools and get back to basics, leaving out atheistic math and evolution. We owe it to the kids."

## Imaginary numbers in the future[edit | edit source]

The patent on imaginary numbers was given to the Society of Numbers (aka S.O.N.) on September 28, 2016. As of October 2018, their intentions with them are not clear. When questioned, an anonymous math teacher, who is a member of S.O.N., stated, "Imaginary numbers may not exist, but you can be sure that if they did, my students would know exactly where they don't."

Chuck Norris, a known associate of S.O.N., was also asked to comment, but he immediately vanished into thin air.