Carl Friedrich Gauss

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Johann Carl Friedrich Gauss was a genius, selfish German mathematician and physicist who wanted to discover and invent everything before anyone did and have everything named after him. In a way, he succeeded in achieving it. For instance, he demanded David Attenborough that the palm tree Attenborough discovered while mining in Florida be named after Gauss. After nights of being blackmailed, Attenborough agreed to call it Gaussia maya in exchange for naming Gauss' dragonfly Acisoma attenboroughi (after himself).

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Early life[edit]

At the time Gauss was born, Germany hadn't witnessed a powerful leader like Hitler and a stable and prosperous government like the Third Reich. So, most of Germany was poor, much like the family Gauss was born into. On the same street as Gauss' lived an old mathematician by the name of Johann Friedrich Pfaff. Known for loving co-incidences, knowing Gauss from the same street, and noticing Gauss has the same first and middle names as himself, Pfaff chose to advise him in his academic pursuits. Pfaff is also known for creating the meme, "Co-incidence? I guess not".

Doctoral students[edit]

In addition to being selfish and self-centred, Gauss was extremely lazy. He turned down numerous students seeking advise. He instead chose successful scientists to improve his curriculum vitae. He snatched Joseph Fourier's student, Peter Dirichlet. He also taught Jeffrey Epstein Gotthold Eisenstein. Other famous names he used in his vitae include Gustav Kirchhoff and Bernhard Riemann. Owing to HR policies, to display diversity and to prove that he did not focus only on his fellow German students, he entertained correspondence from Sophie Germain, who surrendered her life in 1831.

Notable achievements[edit]

Gauss was known to rub it in everyone's face. To keep him and his colleagues occupied, his doctoral adviser asked them to compute the sum from 1 to 100 as part of the primitive research of those days. While others obediently simply used a Casio calculator and applied the formula , Gauss had to derive it instead. He showed that if one set , reversed it as , and performed the simple operation , one would end up with—oh wait—the above expression! Noticing this, his doctoral adviser Johann Pfaff unanimously awarded him doctorate in pedantry.

Gauss was extremely cautious about his name. He often associated his name with other greater scientists. Since childhood, he wrote letters to thank Newton for discovering apple. He admired Newton for surviving the avalanche of apples at Cambridge. He even wrote, "Thou, Sir, must sue thine university for thy inconvenience". Of course, Newton never bothered because the NHS addressed the issue forthwith.

"They say, 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'.
I always wondered what this meant. Thanks for discovering the apple.
This proverb makes more sense now"
—A letter from Gauss to Newton

Gauss would translate the works of famous people into German and attach his name to those works. They include, but are not limited to:

  • Gauss-Newton approximation (English to German)
  • Gauss-Bose-Einstein condensate (German to German)
  • Gauss–Jacobi quadrature (French to German)
  • Gauss–Markov process (Russian to German)

Most Germans didn't know apples existed until Gauss translated Newton's discovery into German. Karl Marx was admittedly influenced by these translations, before which he mistakenly understood everything for group theory. "Alas, it's too late! I've already given birth to it", Marx cried. Pfaff thought this was funny because Gauss and Marx had the similar sounding name, Carl.

Trivia[edit]

Gaussian curvature[edit]

When travelling on horseback from Brunswick to Hanover, Gauss would spend a lot of time thinking about curves. He couldn't get over his obsession with curves; also, he wanted to use the letter K thrice in a row. Incidentally, he formulated the concept of Gaussian curvature and came up with the expression , where and are the principal curvatures of the Gaussian curvature .

The Gauss-US Patent[edit]

Gauss also applied for a US Patent (§0.8346268) in 1777AD, the year he was born. Approved by King George 3.0 (who reigned over Imperial US and Hanover at that period), the patent requires anyone to prefix their method/work with 'Gauss', including the patent itself, if their method ever even remotely made use of or referred to his work, like the normal distribution, .

Gaussian nomenclature[edit]

For anyone with a long name, like himself and his own friend Prince Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor, Gauss felt the pain of using all the names. So he came up with an approach: for a name of broken-down nouns, the Gaussian nomenclature is given by where denotes string concatenation. That's how he came to be known as Carl Gauss. The prince, however, said he was fine with just "Charles". And that's how he's know as Prince Charles.

See also[edit]