Groot
I am Groot! I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot! I am Groot. I am Groot! I am Groot...
I am Groot, I am Groot I AM I am Grooty Groot. Groot I am Groot I am Groot I am Groot I am groot I am, groot am I am Groots, brutes, I am Groot I am in Groot groot Iamgroots than I am groootans, and Groooooot.
Symptoms[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, our naive intern assistant who typed the intro paragraph succumbed to the Groot condition after watching endless TikToks, and we had to put her out of her misery out back. But as you can see, a symptom of Groot condition includes speaking every word as "I am Groot", regardless of the context, and speaking in a rather vulgar manner. We are currently working on a Groot I am Groot I am Groot.... I am.... BLAM!
Sorry about that, we just had to euthanize our head doctor. Hey Jerry! Toss Dr. Sanders and the intern into the pile with the others who started acting Grootish and burn 'em all!
Anyways, Groot, who is infamous for being patient zero of this nasty, nasty syndrome, is famous for his catchphrase: I am Groot
. Though seemingly a friendly greeting, linguists working at the Walt Disney Corporation in the Study Our Creations Division have found that this is in fact a statement that does not contain a period at the end. Infertility aside, this sentence has been seen reproducing asexually, as many non-Groot males have been seen using this phrase, allowing for rapid infection.
Spread[edit | edit source]
Groot, as stated before, is known for being a character in the little-known web-series Guardians of THE Galacock. That's where this whole thing started. Really, it's where all this started! Don't believe me? Well then you'll just have to go to the calm down corner. Groot figures as a central character, while the rest of his crew are just marketable comic relief characters. Among other things, his hot-headedness gets the characters into quite a few tricky situations, such as:
- Getting too many beeches on his dick (Get it? He's a tree? heh).
- Sucking other dicks.
- Eating Taco Bell that wasn't decontaminated beforehand.
- Singing karaoke
- Joining 15 different religions in 15 days, 8 of those being death cults.
- Doin' yo mom.
- And of course, accidentally becoming the ruling class of a small Middle Eastern or Slavic country. We still don't know which one of those two it was.
Sonification[edit | edit source]
In 2022, a musical was composed in honor of the beloved green figure. However, it diverges from the source in many ways similar to how you diverge from having bitches. In the musical, Groot, rather than being a large tree-like creature, becomes a comma in this sentence. Srry, ytpo. My autpcorrect stp[[ed working amd eon\t yurn pn, hrlp. The musical opens with Groot coming outta coma three and a quarter years after the end of the last movie. The plot mostly revolves around him spending time in the hood, family problems and accepting yourself for who you are. The musical features multiple musical numbers, titled in order of appearance as follows:
- Suck my cock
- J&D
- Fuck up
- Two More Times
- Mom
- Out
- I am Groot
A repeated motif in all numbers after the first one is Groot saying the start of his catchphrase, but not saying the last word, which is sung by everyone else on stage(oftentimes including the terrorists who came to ruin the show).
Jerry, we ran out of words that start with S[edit | edit source]
Reviewers hate Groot. A peer-reviewed study found that Groot has horrible effects on over 100% of people exposed to him, including the constant repetition of his catchphrase and following the Baby Groot Twitter account, which is the account he made for his 2-year-old son, John, but which was stolen by the Walt Disney Company to serve for marketing. Groot is now going on a rampage, exposing even more folks to the Groot condition, including even DC Comics fans. The fate of the Universe depends on our efforts, as only we-
What do you mean "I am Groot," Jerry? I told you to handle the other deceased victims as... Wait, why is your skin all scaly and I am Groot... I am Groot!
WE
ARE
GROOT
I am Groot[edit | edit source]
